Pouring Out My Insides

Just a Note

2011-11-11T09:00:00.001-06:00

Dear Angel,

We were supposed to meet you today. I know your entrance would have been an awesome event. I know you would have been a rock star from the first moment you were here. Its amazing how much I miss you, even though we never got to meet face to face. Every day I think about you. Every day I'm sad that we lost you so soon, but at the same time, I'm so thankful that you were with me, even for just a little bit. You taught me what real joy feels like. For a little while, my life was perfect, because of you. Thank you.

Its been a long and hard time since you've been gone, but I know that I'm getting stronger every day. I know that you're up there with God. He knows that I'm not mad at Him for bringing you to him so soon, He needed you more than we did. And your daddy and I hope to give you a little brother or sister sometime, and I know that you'll watch out over us all every day.

I think your purpose was to save me. You saved me from the dispair and failing faith I had. And now that I know that, I won't let my faith fail again. It would let you and God down.

I love you.

Mommy

The Post In Which I Apologize

2011-11-06T15:34:00.000-06:00

As I get closer to what was my estimated due date, I can't help but think about what I should be doing right now.. What I should be feeling. Today, November 6th, I should be 39 weeks and 2 days. Almost to the end of the forty week journey. My cookie should almost be done.

I'm sure I'd be on the wrong side of comfortable. I'd be wondering if every twitch and twang was the "it". I'd have my bag packed and plan of attacked written and posted. Maybe I'd be making any finishing touches on the nursery. And probably refolding blankets and stuff.

But I'm not.

For the most part, I've made peace with the situation. It sucks, bad. But it is what it is.. Sure, I have moments of weakness, and I still have some "why" moments, but who wouldn't?

I see all the casino and car sales commercials boasting how 11/11/11 will be a great day for a sale and the luckiest day of the year. For me, its the date that should have been the happiest day of my life. Now its just a constant reminder of what I don't have to look forward to.

My feelings and emotions have hurt others in the past, so I do try my hardest to keep them in check. I'm taking this time to apologize in advance. This week could be hard on me, and while I'll try my best to keep myself under control, I can't make any promises. It'd be awesome if no one held my feelings and reactions against me. Just bear with me, I won't always be this way.

The Post Where I Sound Really Whiney and Selfish..

2011-10-11T11:35:00.000-05:00

So you're forewarned, no bitching about it later.

Apparently, at some point, I did something to really piss the universe off. Maybe I called its mom a whore, maybe I cut it off in morning traffic. I'm not sure of the action, but I'm damn sure of the result.

The universe is shitting on me. Since April, its just felt like a non-stop shit storm.

Sounds pleasant, huh?

First we lost our baby. It took a toll. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Add on daily severe migraines, which leads to not having any money. Always worrying when I get sick if its going to keep us from being able to pay our bills just makes things worse. And its a constant worry.

I rescheduled my sinus surgery to get rid of the chronic staph infection. The surgery went well, it hurt, a lot, but things were looking good.

Until the third, and what was supposed to be final, post-op visit. They were going to go in, make sure it was a clean and shiny in there. And it was.. And then she says to the PA student shadowing her "Come over here and take a look at this. See that right there? That shouldn't be there." Cue the panic. Turns out, that in the two weeks since my previous visit, I've managed to grow a cyst/polyp almost the size of a golf ball in my sphenoid sinus cavity. The very same cavity that they just surgeried.

What. The. Frick.

Seriously. How does something grow from nothing to a golf ball in two weeks? And WHY is anything growing in there, they JUST cleaned it all out, scraped and drilled and cleaned!

Treatment for now: MORE antibiotics and MORE steroids. I have to get an allergy scratch test done in a couple weeks. Its a long shot, but theres a chance that even though I don't get allergy symptoms like runny nose and sneezing, maybe I have a lot of allergies, causing more mucus and inflammation way up in there. Maybe. Then I will see the doctor and hope that its gone down in size (or away!). Who knows.

So I've been dealing with that. And the mega non-migraine headaches that go along with it. Just waiting.

Waiting for things to get better, or to get worse.

And then they got worse.

I was in a car wreck, while driving my mom's car back to her house. It wasn't my fault, the other guy hit me in the side. He's okay. I'm okay. Physically. I'm in a LOT of pain, where my seat belt held me in my seat. And my neck hurts.

Mentally and emotionally, I'm a mess. I feel beaten down and broken. I don't know how to pull myself up out of this hole I'm in. I need a break from the bad. I need the universe to pick on someone else for a while.

Please?

Life Part 2: Who I Want to Be

2011-09-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about who I want to be. Sometimes, I'm so tired of being me that it brings me to tears. And then I'm mad at myself for crying over something so silly, ya know?

I want to be strong. Emotionally, Mentally, and Physically.

I want to be smarter. I want to be smart enough to know what people mean, instead of just what they say.

I want to be a mom. So bad, it hurts. Daily.

I want to have thicker skin. I don't want to feel every single wound, whether it was done purposely or not.

I want to be able to express myself accurately, without so much emotion. I want people to understand why I feel the way I feel, then maybe they would think twice in the future.

I want to be able to use my creativity in everything I do.

I want to be motivated, and have the determination to finish everything that I start.

Mostly, I want to be the best wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, grand-daughter, friend, co-worker and mom that I can be.

Life Part 1: Who I Am

2011-09-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up, after having a semi-broken heart for the past few days. I didn't get out of bed right away, I just laid there. Thinking about life. Thats not really new to me, I think all the time. I think too much. I'm inside my head too much.

Life Part 1: Who I Am

I'm a wife, a daughter, a big sister, an aunt, a cousin, a niece, a grand-daughter, a best friend, a co-worker, an almost mom.

I'm a migraine warrior.

I have a lack of fertility.

I'm a feeler. I feel things too deeply sometimes. I take things too much to heart. But that happens because I put my all into everything that I do.

I'm thoughtful. Sometimes to my own detriment, as most people are not as thoughtful towards me as I am. I end up with hurt feelings most of the time.

I'm an artist.

I'm a music lover. Music speaks directly to my heart and soul. Music can perfectly match my mood, it can bring me out of a funk, it can help me relax.

I'm a dweller. I dwell on the past. Whether its ancient history, or a hurt I felt yesterday. I have a hard time healing from wounds.

I'm friendly. To a fault. I don't always remember that not everyone is like me. So I've picked the wrong people to befriend more than a few times, and I've ended up burned.

I'm funny, a good cook, an awesome laugher, and I'm great at hanging out.

These are all the things that I know that I am.

But, I've recently learned that I am something that I never wanted to be. I'm apparently such a mess, that everyone has to walk on eggshells around me. People are afraid to say things, either to me, or where I might see them, because of how I might react. I don't recall ever going completely insane over something that someone said. Sure, I've had hurt feelings, but doesn't everybody? I've never wanted anyone to have to censor themselves because of me, and to find out that they all have to.. well. It hurts.

I don't think that they should have to do that. I never asked them to. In fact, I've said it more than a few times that I don't want that. They do it on their own, and then blame me for it. Say what you want to say. I want you to be you. I want you to be able to say anything. And if I do get upset, let me get upset. I'll be over it soon. Have respect for my feelings, let me feel them for as long as I need to. And just as I want you to express your opinion, I want you to want me to express mine. Just because they might differ doens't mean we can't still be friends.

Save the Boobies

2011-09-03T09:07:00.001-05:00

Yes, I know you all know my opinion on the latest so-called Breast Cancer Awareness status game. Honestly, I don't think it was started as any kind of awareness. I think they tagged it as Breast Cancer Awareness after the fact. Because I know that I'm not the only one who was hurt by these fake pregnancy posts. Someone wanted to justify this little game, and why not pick a hot topic that everyone cares about, to try to make them feel better.

I'm not holding a grudge against anyone who did do that post, nor have I berated anyone for having their opinion on the matter. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I encourage people expressing theirs. I want everyone to be who they are, not to just follow blindly. I'd hope that people had the same respect for me, and my opinion, even if its different. But I haven't found that to be the case. But that is neither here, nor there. This post is really about what that game pretends to be about. Breast Cancer Awareness.

If you are truly wanting to raise awareness on this disease, I implore you to find another way. Find a way that actually mentions it or links to it in some way. There are so many places you can go to find info, and to share that info is what will really help this disease.

Maybe you can have a trivia status to bring awareness. Like "Guess what your chances are of getting breast cancer in your life?" The answer is 1 in 8. That is about 12%.

If you prefer a funny status, how about something like "Go ahead, cop a feel, on yourself. And do it regularly!", because we all know that self examination is a must. Who knows your boobies better than you? Not even your husband. So check those ta-ta's ladies!

Perhaps you like a vague status, ya know, to keep people guessing. Maybe just put a type of breast cancer as your status. We all know that a status simply saying "Invasive Ductal Carcinoma" is probably going to get a few comments.
And don't forget the men! All these Facebook games going around seem to say "Keep this a secret from the men", and that I truly don't understand. Why are we trying to keep breast cancer awareness away from dudes? Dudes get breast cancer too! And with all the hype around this particular cancer, very little of it is geared at getting men involved too.

If you're trying to support your friends and family dealing with breast cancer, I don't a fake pregnancy status is really doing the trick. Give them a call, see what you can do for them. Make them a meal or two so they have one less thing to worry about. Go visit them. Listen to them. Pray with them. Participate in fund raisers for cancer research, like the Relay For Life.

There are SO many things that we could all do that would really make a difference, but it does involve more than playing tricks on all your Facebook friends.

For more info on Breast Cancer:
http://www.breastcancer.org/
http://www.cancer.org/index
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/breast-cancer/DS00328
http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001911/

Ewwe

2011-08-25T11:17:00.000-05:00

In two weeks I'm having surgery.

Again.

On my sinuses.

Again.

If the first doctor had done it right the first time, I wouldn't have to go through it again. All I can really remember from my first sinus surgery is throwing up blood, bleeding from my tear ducts (My friend Angela's favorite story..) and the pain.

Oh, the pain.

This new doctor is really nice. He says that he doesn't pack noses. I'm SO thankful for that, because I remember the packing, two huge Teflon coated gauze ropes in each side of my nose. I don't even know how they both fit up there. I just remember him ripping them out, and I was sure he pulled some of my brain out with them. I have asked my doctor specifically about the packing, several times. So, if I wake up with a packed nose, I will not be a happy patient.

I'm hopeful.

But, I'm trying to not put all my hopes on this surgery. Right now, I'm running around with a chronic sinus infection. Chronic staph infection. BY MY BRAIN. This cannot be a good thing. We are hoping that getting rid of that infection, and opening up the sinus cavity so it won't get infected again will help with my migraines. At this point, a 1% improvement would be welcome.

He also has to saw out a bone up there. Did you know that when bones are exposed to chronic infection, they get thicker? I was not aware. I have a bone somewhere up there that is like 10-15% thicker than it should be, and he has to saw that out. He is also going to straighten my septum, which is crooked like a Z.

This does not sound like fun.

But, it will be worth it in the long run.

And after this surgery? We are back to trying to make a baby..

My Brilliant Business Idea

2011-08-11T13:37:00.001-05:00

We need a new phone system.. I’m not one for automated answering, but I think that the circumstances would call for one. What do you think?

“Thank you for calling _________. To ensure we connect you to the correct agent, please listen to the options and press the corresponding number at any time.

“Press 1 if you have all the information needed to place an order, like account number, part numbers, PO numbers, etc.” – This prompt would lead the customer to a phone agent ready to help.

“Press 2 if you do not know your account number.” – This prompt would lead to a response “Please locate your account number and call back” and would end the call.

“Press 3 if you do not know the part numbers of what you need.” – This prompt would lead to a response “Please locate a catalog or log into our website www._____.com to find the parts you need and call back” and would end the call.

“Press 4 if you do not know if your company uses a PO.” – This prompt would lead to a response “Please contact your purchasing and/or accounting department” and would end the call.

“Press 5 if you are having a bad day.” – This prompt would lead to a response “Please take some Prozac, and call back tomorrow” and would end the call.

“Press 6 if you do not speak fluent and clear English.” – This prompt would lead to a “special” agent that does not speak clearly in whatever language they are speaking.

“Press 7 if you’re unsure of any of these instructions.” – This prompt would lead to a response “Please hang up, find a competent adult, and call back” and would end the call.

And anyone who presses 0 to skip the prompts would receive a response “We’re sorry, we have to assume that since you can’t follow simple instructions, it would not be worthwhile for our agents to spend their time with you. Please hang up and try again at your convenience.”

I like it. Its like a mini IQ test to weed out the idiots.

Today

2011-07-08T10:18:00.001-05:00

Sometimes it takes me by surprise how suddenly the grief and sadness pops back into the forefront of my mind. Its always in the background, the little twinge that threatens to send me into tears. I've managed to keep them hanging back there most days.

Today is apparently not one of those days.

Today the tears are very much at the edge of my tear ducts ready to fall. I wish I could say what triggered them, but I'm not really sure. I woke up this way.

Today, I should be 22 weeks pregnant. Maybe I should forget that, but I can't. I'm sad about all the stuff I am missing out on. I'm sad about all the stuff I didn't get to see, hear, feel. I'm sad that this is such a common occurrence for people.

Today, I just hurt.

Back in the Saddle

2011-06-30T13:18:00.000-05:00

And I'm holdin' the reigns..

Well, those are song lyrics. An old country song I used to listen to. Good ole Blackhawk. They had this one song about a "big red goodbye in lipstick on the wall", that was my favorite growing up. Anyway, I got sidetracked..

I miss blogging.

I used to be good at it, ya know. Well, good in my opinion. Hopefully I will get good at it again, start writing stuff that people actually want to read. Maybe increase my readers. Become a famous blogger (Dooce style!). Be a guest on a talk show. Get my own sit-com. Be this generation's Lucille Ball..

Oh, to dream..

But for real, I do want to blog more. So what am I going to do about it? I'm going to get my Google on. I'm going to find one of those 30 days of blog topic thingies. Maybe just getting in the habit of doing it daily will help. And I'm going to find my 101 in 1001 goal list, and see what I can do, write about, and cross off.

Basically, I'm going to get my ass in gear and get to blogging. Because, I've missed ya'll!

What Have I Been Up To?

2011-06-03T15:02:00.000-05:00

Well, since I've had a couple months off from temping and checking CM (if don't know, don't ask, cuz you don't want to know), you might think I've just been hanging out, doing nothing. But you'd be wrong. I've kept myself really busy with various projects. Mostly to keep my mind occupied, so I can avoid those not fun thoughts of recent events.

I've started couponing. I wouldn't dare say I am "extreme" but, I'm so far I like it. I saved $16 off my last grocery trip with coupons! I'm still learning and building up my coupon stock piles and organization system. I'm going to go to a coupon class this month too. Its been a good distraction, and it saves me money!

But what I've reeeeeeally been up to the past month or so, is making jewelry. I've always thought it would be fun, and my mom is still finding Lisa Frank beads around from when I make necklaces and bracelets as a kid (gals, you know what I'm talkin about..). This time around, its real beads and wire and designs. I'm completely in love with it. I've already had my first commissioned designs, my friend bought all the beads she wanted and left me to create her some treasures. These are what I've made so far:

These ones were made for my friend Jennifer.

I made two of these, a matching set for my friend Tami and her daughter.

I think that it would be awesome to eventually be able to sell them.. Some extra pocket money :)

Two Months

2011-06-01T11:07:00.000-05:00

Two months ago, I got the call. The call that I’m pretty sure stopped my heart for a few minutes. The call that I was terrified I would get. I’m not going to go on about what happened and how it happened because I’ve already done that. It was a sucky day that lead to a sucky weekend that’s lead me through a sucky two months.

Two months and a day ago, I was so filled with joy and hope. I was looking forward to my future as a mom, to our future as parents. My husband picked me up from work that Thursday, we went to the compound pharmacy to pick up some progesterone. My sister called it “Vag Candy”, my husband and I laughed about it while we were waiting. Then we went to dinner. I was telling him that I was excited about my shirt, because the way it fit, I’d be able to wear it pretty far into the pregnancy. We were trying to think of relatives that had blue eyes, to see if maybe there was a chance we’d have a blue eyed angel. On the drive home I told him how happy I was that I would get to celebrate Mother’s Day this year, and that he’d get to do the same for Father’s Day. We talked about how we liked the bigger two bedroom apartments, even though the pantry was smaller. He said his brother would help us move so that I didn’t have to do any lifting, I could just direct. I was thinking of holiday traditions we’d get to continue on and start new this year.

I was planning ahead, planning our future.

And then the next day, none of that mattered.

I spent the next two months looking at the past. The contrast in my train of thoughts is so different, it scares me. I still worry that I won’t be able to get back to who I was. Yes, I’ve been getting better slowly, day by day. But I would be lying if I told you that I was as okay and happy as I act. I’m not. I don’t want to be confronted about how I feel. I don’t want to be told that someone is worried or thinks that I am too depressed. I don’t want people to worry about me; people have enough things to worry about without adding me to their list. So I fake it, sometimes I can fake it so well I think that I might be that okay. But I’m not.

I am still a mess. A mess that no quicker picker upper can clean up.

The past haunts me, and the future escapes me.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T19:28:00.000-05:00

Its been a rough week for me, I'm sure its because its been leading up to Mother's Day. When I found out I was pregnant, I was so excited to be able to celebrate this specific holiday. Like I'd been waiting in line to get awesome concert tickets but never made it to the ticket window, and then finally, I was there. And I got front row tickets.

And then those tickets were stolen.

My blood work on Thursday showed that my hcg numbers were down to zero. There are no more pregnancy hormones. My first pregnancy lasted less than two months from beginning to very end. Sad.

A friend of mine sent me a poem that describes so perfectly how I've been feeling. When I read it yesterday, I couldn't stop the tears, which turned into sobs. Here is the poem..

People don't understand...

why I miss you so much...

they've never had a baby...

they could not touch.

I never got to hear you cry...

dry the tears from your face...

or watch mommy dress you up...

in clothes made from lace.

To hold you once...

on my chest while you sleep...

I long for that moment...

it's hard not to weep.

To hear your giggle...

count your fingers and toes...

do up your hair...

with ribbons and bows.

Oh the longing at times...

is selfish I know...

people wonder about me...

when there is nothing to show.

But we know you're there...

awaiting the day...

when God brings us home...

forever we'll stay.

We miss you...you see...

the reason for this...

just thought you should know...

we send up a kiss.

Until then God promised to keep you...

safe and warm in his lap...

then it's forever...

on my chest you will nap...

Music In My Soul

2011-05-04T15:12:00.000-05:00

Thanks to a lovely woman, friend and co-worker, I have the new Bowling For Soup album (Fishin' For Woos). I've been a huge fan for a long time, I love their music.. This song took me by surprise. It hit me and then I was in tears. It applies so directly to my life, its so beautiful it hurts.

"Turbulence"

It's so hard to figure out

Which way to turn

There's no going back now

All your bridges burned

The stars are gonna shine on you

If you can get through the day

Storm clouds all around you

But a blue skies on the way.

And we're all just passengers tonight

And we're all just traveling through our lives

We will reach our destination

So just hang on for the ride

Say a prayer and close your eyes

It's just a little turbulence.

Take a look around you

Look how far you've come

Your whole life in front of you

You've only just begun

We've all got our problems

But they're just bumps in the road

If you only keep on fighting

There's no where you can't go.

And we're all just passengers tonight

And we're all just traveling through our lives

We will reach our destination

So just hang on for the ride

So say a prayer and close your eyes

Its just a little turbulence.

This life can be so crazy

Can spin out of control

But I hope that all your dreams come true

Cause you know that you're amazing

And no matter where you go

I'll be there for you

We can make it through.

And we're all just passengers tonight

And we're all just traveling through our lives

We will reach our destination

So just hang on for the ride

Say a prayer and close your eyes

Its just a little turbulence.

And we're all just passengers tonight

And we're all just traveling through our lives

We will reach our destination

So just hang on for the ride

Say a prayer and close your eyes

Its just a little turbulence.

Weeks

2011-04-23T09:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday afternoon was the three week mark from the phone call from the nurse. Who was just so calm in telling me that my pregnancy wasn't viable and I needed to go to the hospital immediately. There was a millisecond when I thought (or hoped) that it was an April Fool's joke. But nobody is that cruel. Ya know, I didn't even really tell anyone that day because I thought they might think for a minute that I was joking.

It feels like its been months, not a few weeks. I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last three weeks. My heart doesn't ache any less than it did that afternoon. The physical pain is mostly gone, and I am thankful for that.

I get the feeling that some people think that I should be over it by now. No one has really said it, but I can tell by some of their looks. Not from any of the people that matter. My people are awesome. My people don't expect me to be back to my happy bubbly self all the time already. My people let me feel how I am feeling. My people don't pretend to know or pretend to care how I feel. My people know that while Baby Angel wasn't technically a baby in the medical terms, in my terms it was my child. And my people wouldn't expect anyone who has lost a child to be over it in just three weeks.

I've had a hard time not being able to be there for my people lately. I'm usually there to listen to them when they are upset, or to offer suggestions, maybe even just a hug. And my people are sad about this too, this wasn't just my baby, this was their grandbaby, their niece/nephew, etc. and they are mourning as well. But I don't have the capacity to be there for them. I wish I did, I'm good at that. I can't help them feel better about this, because I still feel broken. I can look at the bright sides all day long, but compared to the black hole of sadness and anger I feel, the brights seem really dim. To my people - I'm sorry I wasn't able, and am not able, to help you all through this. I do know that you're mourning too.

Emotionally I'm a little better. I don't break down nearly as often has I was. I still cry daily, but I can usually keep it together until I'm at home or at least not in the middle of a conversation. Mentally I'm a mess. I feel like I'm always a mess mentally, and this has really just added to the anxiety, stress, and fear that goes on in my head on a daily basis. What if I'm not strong enough to try again? What if I find the strength to try again, and this happens again? What if I find the strength to try again only to find out that this was my only time to be pregnant, I was only meant to experience it once? What if I can't come back from this and be ME again? I know that its useless to play "what if". I just feel like I have no control. No control over whats going on, no control over how I feel, no control over what I want to do.

Physically, I'm playing the waiting game. I prayed so hard that my hcg numbers would double and they didn't. Now it seems like I'm praying they will go back down to zero so I can be done making trips to the doctor every week. The pain in my arm from needle sticks is a constant reminder that I'm in the middle of a nightmare. I'm sleeping a little better, but my dreams are still bad. I'm pretty sure that my hair and skin can feel the effects of how I feel, because they are blah as well.

Beautiful

2011-04-11T12:55:00.000-05:00

My amazing mother-in-law sent me the most beautiful card. It has the picture of a night sky and printed on the front it says:

I have this feeling

there's one more star

up in the sky tonight.

And even though

it's far away,

its brightness and warmth

still reach us here

to make the night

a little less dark.

And on the inside she wrote:

Twinkle twinkle little star

We never chanced to know who you are

Up above the world so high

You'll always be the twinkle in our eye.

You're wrapped in His arms in that Heavenly place

Till together we can sing and dance forever face to face

Twinkle twinkle little star..

It touched my heart so much. Its such a beautiful card to remember Baby Angel.

Lost

2011-04-10T09:39:00.000-05:00

I want to apologize for any woman I've known who has gone through a miscarriage. Whether it was a sudden surprise miscarriage, or an induced miscarriage like mine. I have felt so bad for my friends who have gone through it, but I don't think I felt bad enough. There was no way I could have felt bad enough without knowing the pain that they were going through. And no one should ever have to go through this pain.

The physical pain is excruciating. It doesn't let up. My doctor gave me some pain meds, and that helps somewhat, but at the end of the day, I can barely walk to bed it hurts so bad. And this is where I sort of contradict myself.. In a way, the physical pain, as horrible as it is, is kind of comforting. It lets me focus on something other than my broken heart. It lets me know that there was actually something living and trying to grow inside me. There was a life in there. I know, that's kind of weird.

The emotional pain is not describable. I haven't felt this sad and depressed since my Poppy died. My Poppy was the most important man in my life and when he left, I was lost. Today I feel lost.

Lost.
Mad.
Confused.
Sad.
Hurt.
Broken.

I don't blame God. I don't hate God. I'm not even mad at God. I'm confused by God. I know He has a plan, and for whatever reason, this is part of it. I just wish I knew why. I know that in the long run, this will make me a stronger person. But honestly, I feel like I've gone through more than enough obstacles in my life, I don't need to be stronger.

Through this whole nightmare that has been the past 9 days or so, my friends and family have been so supportive. Checking on me, making sure I am okay, taking me to the doctor when I need to go, picking up medicine for me when I can't. Even just letting me be upset and cry and whine and even not talk to them. And I know that they are hurting too, and I feel bad that I can't be there to support them.

I love them.

Letter to Baby C

2011-04-05T08:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Angel Baby,

You were our first miracle. You showed up at just the right time, my hope was on its last leg. We tried for 2 1/2 years to bring you to life.

You were conceived around mid to late February with the help of Femara. On a whim, I came home and took a pregnancy test on March 10th. I was almost a week late but didn't think there was a wonderful reason behind it. Then I saw the second pink line, your first picture. I took five more tests at home over the next few days, all of them telling me the same thing: you, our miracle, were here. I visited my family doctor and he confirmed it. You were real. I was overjoyed.

I called your Daddy, and he was thrilled. Your aunts and uncles and grandparents were all so excited and happy. Your Grandmommy bought you your first toy, a wooden ring stacker made by FAO Schwarz. She knew you'd have my sense of style and appreciation for old fashioned things.

Your Daddy and I started making plans. We were going to move to a bigger place where you'd have enough room to grow and play, I started researching schools, picking out suitable names. We told all our friends that you were finally here. Everyone was so happy and excited to get to know you. I was floating on air.

We went to the doctor on March 29th hoping to get a little picture of you. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see you hanging out in there. We saw your home, the little gestational sac, but the doctor said it was probably just a little too early to see you.

I wish that was true, my miracle. Sadly, after some blood work, we learned that it just wasn't your time to be with us. You belonged back in heaven with God. It seems very fitting since I know without a doubt that is where you came from. My Angel, I want you to know that the 22 days that I got to spend with you were pure joy. I'm heartbroken that I only got 22 days, but I know how blessed I was to get any days at all. I want you to know that you have changed me for the better. I am mad that our time was cut short, but I don't blame anyone. You are the best gift I have ever received, you gave me so much. You brought back my hope, you taught me what real joy is, and you made me a mom.

Thank you, and I love you always.

Mommy

The Best Story EVER

2011-03-15T12:34:00.000-05:00

It all started Thursday after work..

Then I had a heart attack, and called my sister. A mad rush to the pharmacy and a trip to my mom's house, and this happened..

Then I went home, told my darling husband with this:

And then Friday and Saturday we had these:

On Sunday we had this one:

And yesterday this showed up:

And today, I went to the doctor, and from his own mouth..

"Sharon, your test came back very much positive."

And now I'm bursting.

Just A Little Crush

2011-03-11T09:00:00.001-06:00

I don't know this guy from PS I Love You (I've never seen the movie..). I know him from The Losers. And I don't care what you say, The Losers is an awesome movie. I LOVE far-fetch comedy action flicks, and this one is just that. Jeffrey Dean Morgan (hubba hubba) plays Clay. He's the one in charge. And he's the hot one. Like sizzling hot. The scruffy face, the way his shirt is always unbuttoned almost half way down, the suit he's always wearing. Just effing hot.

Euphemisms

2011-03-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

For pooping. Courtesy of my husband.

Dropping a deuce.

Unloading some timber.

Plop some goodies.

Feed the toilet.

Dropping dirty bombs.

Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl.

Dropping the kids off at the pool.

And his pride and joy.. his most favorite..

Take a Gary Deucy.

You're welcome.

The Essay That Didn't Win

2011-03-05T14:32:00.001-06:00

Last year, I wrote an essay for a contest for Real Simple magazine. I asked a bunch of people for help with the proofing and opinions, and am forever grateful for them. Six months later, I've found out I didn't win. While it would have been nice to be published, win a trip to NYC, and get paid, its not the most important thing. As cheesy as it sounds, pouring my heart out onto paper, putting my feelings into a coherent essay really feels like winning. And because I know you all can't wait.. Here is that non-winning essay..

The Never-ending Road to Parenthood

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.” That’s the end of the nursery rhyme we all chanted as kids. Our whole young life we believed that it happens that easily. We find our soul mate, we get married, and then we’ll be blessed with a child. There are story books with babies delivered by storks, movies with babies dropped off on door steps, and baby dolls that grow in a garden. Sure, we have “the talk”, so we know where babies come from, and everyone talks about how wonderful it is. No one mentions that before it’s wonderful, it might break your heart into a million pieces. No one tells you that you’re risking your heart and sanity when you start trying to conceive. I never thought I’d even have to try, I thought it would just be a wonderful surprise.

After having my left ovary and fallopian tube and part of my right ovary removed when I was 17, my child bearing future was unknown. Being that young, I wasn’t worried about it. I had years before I needed to worry about diapers, spit-up, and car pools. At that age, I didn’t even know if I wanted to have kids, so I didn’t know how to process all the information thrown at me. When I met my husband some years later, I knew immediately that I wanted to have a child with him. After we got married, we tried to conceive for about six months before we told anyone. Even then we only told a few of our closest friends and family members. I’d done all kinds of research online, read many books, and asked my friends who already had kids. I was prepared; I knew what to do, and what not to do, but fifteen months after starting our journey to parenthood, we were still just a twosome. I think that I was in some form of denial; I couldn’t let in the thought that something might be wrong. Admitting to myself that this wasn't normal was a hard task. As a woman, my body is designed to bear children. My body was failing me, making me feel like I was failing everyone. I was failing to make my husband a dad, my mother a grandma, and myself a mom. Being the over prepared person that I am, I headed to my doctor with all my information and research, and a list of questions. I left with a diagnosis, some medication, and a plan.

That’s when the universe started taunting me. It seemed everywhere I went, pregnant bellies were staring at me, and newborns were cooing in my ear. My sister and her husband conceived in their first month trying. It was like a dagger to my heart. I was thrilled for her of course, but at the same time, I was devastated for me. The hardest day for me was the day that my niece was born. My emotions on that day were divided into four equal parts: Happiness, Sadness, Fear, and Guilt. They are all pretty strong emotions on their own, but together, it really turned me into a water faucet.

Happiness. Of course I was happy! My little sister was about to make me an Aunt! I have an Aunt Sharon myself; I know how awesome I get to be. My little sister, the one I used to play house with, the one who shares all of my childhood memories, the one who I used to take care of like she was my own when she was born (even though I was just a year and a half), was bringing a life into this world. She was bringing a gorgeous baby girl into a world where there were already so many people who loved her. It was an awe-inspiring moment.

Sadness. Anyone who has been through even one month of trying to conceive knows how sad it can make you when someone else has your dream come true. It doesn't matter how much you love them, or how happy you are, part of you is sad. And when you've been trying for a while, it just adds another degree to that sadness.

Fear. Oh, the fear! It’s almost indescribable. The fear is like a black hole sucking in everything else around it. It goes so deep that you can't even feel all of it, and that's a good thing, because if you did, you'd be committed to an institution. The fear that I will never have this moment of excitement, this moment of my whole family waiting with me to meet the newest addition to our lives, this moment of joy when he/she finally makes their entrance into the world. Sure, there is always adoption, and that would be great too, but it won't be THIS moment. The fear is so scary, and so easy to get lost in if you let yourself.

Guilt. I had tremendous guilt for feeling anything other than happiness. It wasn't fair to my sister, or to my family for me to feel the way I did. They shouldn't have had to give a second thought to how I was doing. I should have been the last thing on their mind, but I wasn't. They all made sure I was okay. That's absurd, I was not the one admitted to the hospital in labor. I was just the poor sister who wishes she was. I don't think that I will be able to forgive myself for a while, I felt selfish. It was unintentional, of course. I can't control how I feel.

But I did control how I acted. I got a handle on myself before I went to the hospital, and when I felt that my tears were going to come, I made sure I was out of the room. I'm proud of myself for that. I will forever remember holding my sister’s hand, telling her she was going to do great, and her telling me the same thing. I don't know if she remembers it, but it meant the world to me. She shouldn't have had to give me a mini pep talk, but she did. And I love her for that.

In a way, writing this essay is one of the biggest risks I’ve taken. Putting my feelings on paper and letting strangers read it is such a vulnerable position. On the other hand, the chance that my words might help another person out there dealing with infertility feel less alone makes this a risk worth taking. Every month I put my heart out there, and every month it comes back with another piece missing. It’s a struggle, but I keep my hopes high that I will be a mom someday.

Peace Out 27

2011-03-04T09:41:00.001-06:00

Well, as of today, 27 is in the history books. Twenty-eight is laid out before me. Hopefully its like the yellow brick road that will lead me to the Wizard who will grant my deepest wishes. It better not be like the red brick road, I'm pretty sure that leads to the witch's castle with all the flying monkey/men with furry hats. and I'm not down with that.

I'm not gonna lie, 27 kinda sucked. It was a year of heartache for me. But its not like me to only focus on the bad, I am naturally an optimistic person. So here I am going to be a little glass half full.

Reasons Why 27 DIDN'T Blow:

1. I made it through alive. Sure, you may take this for granted, but there are times when I don't think I'll physically survive the day.

2. I got back in touch with some old friends (I'm talkin' about you Julie (both), Matt, Shanna, Amber, Noni, and so many more!).

3. My two oldest friends had babies (Cheers to you Diana and Melissa!).

4. I became an aunt to possibly the coolest baby ever (for now anyway..).

5. Everyone else had babies (Yay Tami and Chrissy!).

6. I got cool stuff: Kindle, the penguin night light from my grandparents, DVR, my new Evo.

7. I had the constant love and support of my husband, family, and friends, for all the yucko things I was dealing with. Best part of it all.

Zero Progress

2011-02-27T10:13:00.000-06:00

I'll be 28 in less than a week.

And honestly, it feels like I might as well 30.

Last year at this time, I was so filled with hope that by the time my next birthday came, I'd be a mom. Or I'd be pregnant. But I'd be there in some way.

And this birthday is hurtling at me, and I'm no closer than I was a year ago. My body is exhausted, my heart is broken, and it feels like my head is spinning out of control.

How is it possible that in one whole year, we've made no progress on this front? How is it possible that in 2 1/2 years, in 30 months, I'm not closer than I used to be.

At what point do I have to accept the fact that maybe this isn't going to work for us. Maybe we are going to have to go an alternate route.

Perhaps losing my left ovary and part of my right ovary ten years ago was a sign.

Eh.

The end of my Two Week Wait is Friday, but I won't test that day. I never test that day. I wait and wait. Starting my period hurts less than seeing a negative pregnancy test. Meanwhile, I'm praying for guidance and peace, because right now I feel like I'm about to fizzle out.

Just A Little Crush

2011-02-25T08:17:00.000-06:00

Honestly, I can't believe that I haven't listed this gorgeous man sooner, he's in my top 5 boyfriends. His accent, he dry humor, his abs.. His ability to kick ass with nothing but his button up shirt (Hello, Transporter 3!). I first met him as Handsome Rob on The Italian Job, and my hearts been throbbing for him since.

I would totally make out with him.

I Know A Keeper When I Meet One

2011-02-17T11:06:00.000-06:00

I don't have the longest or most sordid dating past. I was shy and the chubby girl, not a great combo together. That didn't stop me from telling the few people I liked that I had a crush on them. And as any shy girl knows, that's not an easy task. Not that all my efforts lead to anything but a few tears. It was really after high school that I started to date. While I may not have dated THAT many people, the few that I did go out with were, well, special. Not in a good way. I seemed to have the knack of picking the complete wrong kind of guy, or the exact right kind of guy but it wasn't mutual.

Dude 1. Called me by the wrong name most of the date.

Dude 2. He was a nice guy, a friend of the guy I was pretty sure I was gonna marry (pretty impressive for being 18 LOL). He brought me flowers, and we went to dinner and a movie. I shouldn't have gone out with him since I was so hung up on the other guy.. but he knew I was (I was totally called out at Denny's the night before). I didn't kiss him and he didn't call back.

Dude 3. By far my worst choice. I had to meet him at restaurant called Pickles so I could follow him to his house. Then I had to meet his parents. After dinner, we went back to his house and watched something on TV. I did kiss him. And right after that he said "I've been told I'm a good kisser." No, for real. He said that. He walked me out to my car and I was saying good night and then he got in my car. Surprised me. After a little more kissing, he said the strangest thing anyone has every been said to me. Ever. He goes (and I'm embarrassed writing this!), "How about a foot job?" Um, what? "You just put your bare feet together like this, and then I'll.." OH! A FOOT JOB! WTF! I politely declined saying I had to get home, it was work night after all. And then the next day he called and told me he met someone else and they were now a couple.

Dude 4. Typical date, dinner and then just driving around. I kissed him (that really makes me feel like slooty!), and seriously, after just a few minutes, he penis was out of his pants. He was so quick I didn't even see it happen, all of a sudden it was BAM! PENIS! How do you politely react to that? I'm sure I stammered and was like, oh look its time for me to go!

Luckily, my first date with Dallas was MUCH better. We met at the movie theater, we watched Hollywoodland, which if you've seen it, you know its pretty long. About five minutes before the movie ended, he asked if he could hold my hand. So sweet right? Then I went to his house, he lived with his dad at the time. On our way, he goes "I'm not going to introduce you to my dad yet, I don't want to make things weird" and wouldn't ya know, when we pulled up to his house, his dad was standing outside, so I had to meet his dad. Then we watched Ice Age. It was late when I got home, he called me about half an hour after I left to make sure I made it home alright. He's a keeper.

February 2011 Headache & Migraine Blog Carnival

2011-02-10T14:29:00.001-06:00

The theme for this month's carnival is "Romantic Relationships & Migraines: How are they affected? Is is possible to build a new one? Does anything about living with a chronic condition bring you closer?." I've actually thought a LOT about this in my life. I'm lucky enough to be married to the most understanding man I have ever met. Before him, any guy I was even kind of serious about would blow me off when I had a migraine. And when you get migraines as often as I do, that's a lot of being ignored. I don't blame them for it, if I could ignore me when my head hurts, I would.

I remember when I first started dating my husband, it hadn't even occurred to me to tell him about my headaches. My sister called me the day after our first date and asked me, "Did you tell him that you get really bad migraines?"

What? Why would I tell him that? Nothing says "blossoming romance" like "Hey, by the way, I get debilitating migraines that make me puke a WHOLE bunch!".

I did have to tell him eventually, after I was sure this would be someone worth explaining it to. Trying to describe the pain and complete ickiness of severe migraines to someone who's never experienced them is not an easy task. I tried to prepare him, but when the first one of our relationship hit, I could see the shock in his face. I could feel the disappointment that I had to cancel plans and go to bed. I could see the worry in his eyes about whether or not this is normal.

It was hard building a new relationship with this disease, having to cancel fun plans, having to worry about when the next one will hit, having to worry about doing something that would trigger one. I could tell that he was a keeper when he started worrying about all this stuff with me, instead of just going on without me.

We've been married about 2 1/2 years, migraines seems to be getting worse, not better, but we're stronger than we were. He gets on to me when I don't take immediate care of myself when I should. Now, before him, I never really gave a thought to the sexy time aspect of my migraines. Now, its like a constant battle between the two. When I don't have a headache, I want sexy time and I want it now. And when I do have a migraine, he wants sexy time. The timing is never perfect. Letting go of the control I need to have long enough to have a good time is hard for me. I'm afraid that if I have too good a sexy time, it'll trigger a headache (been there, done that!). Added on to that is the fact that we've been actively trying to get pregnant, the pressure to get it on is enormous. I think "if I don't do it now, will I miss my chance for this month?!", he thinks "Mmm, ta-tas".. Okay, I'm sure he has deeper thoughts than that, but those are the ones he vocalizes.

The most important thing I've learned trying to juggle life, my marriage, and my life is to communicate. This disease forces us to talk more, because sometimes that's all I'm able to do. Just because I can't physically show him how much I love and want him doesn't mean I can't tell him how much I do. It takes a special person to commit to taking care of someone chronically ill, and to be able to keep the romance, lust and desire as strong as the love. And I know that in the long run, our love will keep growing stronger because we are in it together. I count my blessings daily that I found such a special person who doesn't leave me behind just because I'm sick.

Fix Me, Doctor, Please!

2011-01-18T10:38:00.000-06:00

First neurologist appointment of the new year. And I'm having some anxiety about it. I feel like I am letting him down. Like he's doing his job, but my body isn't doing it's job. I should be better by now, but I'm not. Well, I guess I'm kind of better and kind of worse. To make things worse, I lost my migraine calendar. Lost it! How does that happen?! So since right after Christmas, I've been using Google Calendar to document my headaches and migraines. It works really well, but I'm missing a couple months of documentation. That makes me feel like a bad patient. On today's discussion agenda:

1. Since about the beginning of December, most days I have a non-migraine headache. Very intense, lasts all day long. Usually the back of my head right above my neck all the way to right about my ear. Advil, Tylenol, etc don't help them at all.

2. Triptans (I take Treximet and Imitrex Injections) work really well on the migraines I get during the day. They don't help with the migraines that I wake up with. I'm thinking its because I miss the beginning of the, because I'm asleep.

3. Urgent Care/ER recommends having some sort of rescue plan, something to try after the triptans don't work, before going somewhere.

4. I'm having sinus surgery hopefully sometime in February, I have chronic staph infection in my sphenoid sinuses, which could be contributing to sinus headaches that maybe flip to migraines.

I am hoping that this doesn't sound like I am seeking drugs, because I want to be high all the time, or because I want to be drugged up every day, because I don't. I just don't want to be in pain every single day of my life. I don't want to have to run up to the Urgent Care because my basic meds never had a chance to work. I don't want to worry all the time about my pain, will my meds work, will I end up having to go somewhere, where I'll worry they think I am faking, or treat me like a drug seeker. I don't want to have to spend more money (25-100 bucks a pop) every time I do have to go somewhere.

Maybe I'm too demanding.

The Months, They Don't Matter, Its the Days I Can't Take

2011-01-05T10:30:00.000-06:00

Day 5 of 2011.

Day 3 of this headache.

Day 1 of this cycle.

Could this Wednesday suck any more? Jeez.

The good news about all this? Since its cycle day 1, I can take whatever medicine I need to help with the migraine without worrying. Bring on the Advil, too late for triptans though..

And this afternoon, I have to go get pictures of my nose. Seems strange? Yah, I thought so too. I'm supposed to have surgery on my sinuses this month. The doctor is going to go in and open up my sphenoid cavity completely. There's a bone in there that is like 10 times the size it should be due to chronic infection. Gross. Want to know something even more gross? (Too bad, I'm telling you anyway.) I have a constant river of puss in that cavity. Gag much. And staph infection. Double gag. So we had the surgery all scheduled, and then I get a call from my health insurance saying that it needs to be predetermined. My doctor has to send up the CT pictures, his report, and then actual pictures of my nose (hopefully just outside) to the insurance company. They have to make sure the surgery is based on cosmetic ground.

My nose isn't crooked.

So this shouldn't be a problem.

But you know me, I will worry until they say its all good. Because I can't afford the surgery without it being covered, and I need the surgery, because I can't run around with a staph infection all the time. Especially so close to my brain.

And maybe getting all this fixed will help with some of my migraines.

New Year

2010-12-31T16:33:00.001-06:00

Well, in a little less than eight hours, 2010 will be in the history books. Honestly, I'm glad to be through with it, and am trying to keep my hope that 2011 will be much better. Filled with much less heartbreak, and a lot more peace.

Really, I don't know if I am strong enough for 2011, because 2010 almost broke me. I pray for guidance and strength as we welcome in the new year, I pray that I can be as strong as my friends and family think I am. But I just don't know. If they were with me all the time, and knew how often I just sit and cry, I think their perception of my strength would change a little bit. If they knew how afraid I am inside, how much I want to run and hide from everyone and everything, I doubt strong would be a word used to describe me.

I worry that my heart is so broken, that it will never be whole again.

With mixed emotions I've read facebook updates and pictures of "Baby's first Christmas". I'm thrilled that my friends and family are getting to experience these exciting moments, and getting to have these gorgeous memories forever. I want those experiences and memories for myself. So bad that it hurts my already hurting heart.

I wish I could say that through this year, I've come out stronger and happier. What I can say this year has given me is the knowledge that I have a great family and friends. And as much as they can support me, they do.

I know everyone wants to tell me to just be thankful for what I do have, but please don't. I am thankful for every blessing given to me.

Are You There, Sharon? It's me.. Sharon

2010-12-04T14:20:00.000-06:00

Another day, another breakdown.

Not that that's particuarly surpising, or new. It just always seems to hit when I'm not expecting it. And it will pass, its just part of the emotional state I'm in. It's been a long and emotional week, in many aspects, so I'm sure that helped in part..

I've been thinking of different things that I want to do, to help myself feel more like myself. I've been painting, and writing, and reading.. It seems silly that at 27, I'm trying to find myself again.

The Plan

2010-11-30T11:20:00.000-06:00

When I say this out loud, it makes me want to lift my shirt and show my ta-tas to someone. And if you get that reference, then I heart you forever and lets be BFFs. I've been a slacking blogger the past week, but in my defense, there was a crazy holiday that took a lot of physical and mental preparation. The good news is that WE DID NOT RUN OUT OF MASHED POTATOES! Me: 1, Mashed Potatoes: 0!

Okay, now, to The Plan. I've put off writing this, honestly I think it was because I was still making sure that this was, in fact, THE Plan. And I feel pretty confident (today, at least), that it is.

The Plan

Even though I haven't had a positive OPK, my doctor and I feel that theres a good chance I am ovulating, since my cycles have been scarily regular. He told me not to use the OPKs that we buy at the store, that they aren't sensitive enough (for me, anyway). I have to order the OPKs online. He said that he thought they were only about 20-30 dollars, so not that much more expensive.

I'm continuing the Femara 5mg for another four cycles. Great news, I adore hot flashes and weepiness!

He recommended that my husband get a semen analysis. He's not too keen on the idea, but we talked about it, and we'll try for two months, and if we're still not pregnant, he'll make an appointment. His words: "They better have good porn."

If after four cycles we're still not harboring a teacup human, we'll move on to the HSG test to make sure everything is good. And then........

We'll go from there.

I told Jeffrey Tambor that four more months like this was the very longest I could go, because my sanity and well being was at stake. He told me that at any point in this, I could ask for the HSG and we can do it, that its in my hands. For right now, we'll wait it out. I'm afraid to move on, because then it's like okay, there really is a problem. My OB/Gyn can't handle it, I have to go to the RE. That seems so.. final. Does that make sense? Right now, I can still feel like yah, its frustrating, and sucks hard core, but its still in the normal range, because I'm still my regular doctor.

And I worry that I won't find another doctor as awesome as Jeffrey Tambor. I want him to be my doctor for everything.

TTC Monday

2010-11-22T09:52:00.000-06:00

Its no secret that lately I've been having a hard time finding my happy through all this seemingly never-ending heart break. This journey to parenthood has taken more out of me that I thought it ever could. I didn't know that even though I am happy with my life, love my husband, I have a home and a job and a family that cares, that part of me would feel so empty. I love my family, and their support and encouragement means the world to me (I count all my best friends as family too).

-Side Note- Sister, please don't read this if there's a chance that you're going to get hurt feelings because its not my intention.

Its also no secret that I am nervous about this upcoming holiday season. I don't know how I'll be able to handle the mix of emotions that will be bubbling inside of me. My grandparents are coming out to visit for Thanksgiving, and I am excited to see them, but nervous how I'm going to handle all the "oohs" and "ahs" and the "oh she's so perfect" and the "our first great grandchild from this side of the family". That is hard for me. I will be the only adult family member at my mom's house without a child. Its like a club that I'm not going to be a member of. Stop - Please don't think that I am wanting a child just to be part of a club, its just a comparison. Thanks. I'm excited for my sister for it being her first Thanksgiving as a mom, and for my niece's first Thanksgiving as a person, and my mom's first Thanksgiving as a grandmother, and my first Thanksgiving an aunt. But at the same time, I am mad. I'm mad that I don't get to have this experience this year. And that I don't know WHEN I'll get to have this experience. Mad, Sad, Excited, Tired, blah.

I saw a therapist. And he told me that all of these feelings are normal. And that yes, it sucks, and its uncomfortable to feel this way, but its completely normal.

I'm worried that I'm going to come across rude or stand-offish when all I'm really trying to do is avoid bawling like a baby in front of my extended family. Maybe I should hand out a little pamphlet on how to deal with me this holiday. I think the most important thing for everyone to understand is that just because I say "no", doesn't mean I'm mad at you, or that I don't love my niece, or whatever else awful it can be construed as. It just means that I don't want to right then. And yes, I know that its not my niece's fault that I'm struggling, and maybe not holding her right then, or feeding her right then makes her feel like I am blaming her, but I'm not. And she's 3 months, so she doesn't think its her fault. And yes, I know that its not my sister's fault that I'm struggling, and maybe not holding her daughter right then, or feeding her right then makes her feel like its her fault. But thats' NOT what its about.

Its about self preservation.

Its about not having a breakdown.

Its about survival.

Just A Little Crush

2010-11-19T15:27:00.000-06:00

Oh today's crush is a mega movie star. MEGA. And I heart him. A lot. I watched The Super Mario Brothers for the first time the other day. I know, only like 20 years too late. But also I LOVE him in Mermaids, and Who Framed Roger Rabbit. And Bob Hoskins in Hook is just awesome as Mr. Smee. No one could have played that roll better.

A Through Z

2010-11-18T09:27:00.000-06:00

This morning, I was thinking about Finding Nemo, probably because my sister was telling me that she just got that movie in the mail, and I was saying how I don't like to watch it because the beginning is SO TRAUMATIC. But I was thinking this morning that if I was a fish, and I had 26 little baby fish eggs, I'd have one name for every letter of the alphabet.

A- Anne Marie
B- Brent
C- Carrie
D- Devon
E- Eilfie
F- Ford
G- Ginger
H- Henrie
I- Isabell
J- Jonny
K- Kylie
L- Lucas
M- Myra
N- Nate
O- Octavia
P- Pete (I always wanted a friend named Pete..)
Q- Quinn
R- Reggie
S- Shane
T- Thom
U- Ursula
V- Vic
W- Winnie
X- Xander
Y- Yabel
Z- Zachariah
-Note- None of these are my future child's names.

The Statement My Undies Make

2010-11-16T14:07:00.000-06:00

I've been attempting to shop for new clothes, because it has been 3 years since I've bought any new clothes..

Him: "How come none of your undies are normal colored?"

Me: "Normal colored? Like what?"

Him: "Ya know, like white, that beige color. Normal."

Me: "My underwear makes a statement."

Him: "And what statement is that?"

Me: "That I am fun. And if I get in an accident and the EMTs have to cut my clothes off, I want them to see a hot pink bra and polka dotted panties. They'll think to themselves what an awesome person I must be."

Him: "Um."

Me: "And, they'll wonder what other colors and designs I have at home, and they'll want to party with me when I get all better. Which of course I won't, because I'm married to you. But they'll want to."

Where I Am

2010-11-12T15:31:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry that I can't be as happy and as enthusiastic about your pregnancy/baby as I want to be, and as you think I should be. You see, my heart is broken. Try to think back to a time when you're heart was broken for whatever reason, were you able to be happy all the time? If you were, then I envy you, and you're obviously stronger than I am.

I wish I was able to turn off the sad emotions and just feel the happy ones, but it doesn't work that way. For now, I am going to focus on me. Selfish, I know. But I've pushed myself for so long to make everyone else happy, or to keep everyone else from having hurt feelings, at my own expense. Right now, my insides are one big knot, and it has me unable to function normally. Its a sucky feeling, and I don't like it. I guess the good news in this is that I've had someone trained to know tell me that I'm normal. It's normal for me to be miserable right now, because everything I'm going through is just that. Its miserable.

My plan of action right now is to make a plan of action. To take back control of my life. To sit down with my husband and talk about our goals, the options, a time frame, and know that in the end, no matter how we get there, we will be parents (damn good ones, too). I've been told that I am strong. And at times, I feel anything but strong, I know that they are right. I just have to have more faith in myself. I've been through a lot in my life, and I know that I will eventually get past this, and add it to my "I conquered that" list. But I'm not there yet.

Right now, I'm sad and angry. This will be the last month that we try to conceive on the road that we're on right now. I won't put myself or my husband, or my family through another month of this. I will talk to the doctor about what the next steps are, what reasonable time frames are for them, and how to get to there from here.

What this means is that I am NOT giving up. I'm just changing directions a little bit. I am past the point of "stop trying and it will happen", and I'm way past the point of "just don't think about it" and "don't worry". I zipped by those points a long time ago. I'm going to take the time with Dallas to get us centered again, release some of the tension I know we're both feeling, and find my zest for life again. I really, really, REALLY, appreciate everyone's support and love, I may not express the gratitude often, but it does mean a lot.

I just want to be myself again.

TTC Monday

2010-11-08T09:52:00.000-06:00

No emotional outbursts. No crying in my pillow. No "why me"s or "its not fair"s.

Just calm positive vibes.

I take my last Femara for this cycle tonight. I'll start using the OPKs tomorrow.

Keeping my hope and faith as high as I can.

Like Otis Sang, I've Got Dreams..

2010-11-07T10:40:00.000-06:00

I've always had vivid dreams. As long as I can remember. Most of the time, they are scary dreams, I dream a lot about being stabbed. Lately thought, I've had dreams about trying to get pregnant. They're so real that I have those few moments of confusion when I wake up.

A couple times, Ive had a dream that its either Christmas or my birthday, and my whole dining table is covered in wrapped presents for me. Like a mountain of boxes and bows. I start to open them, and they are all Ovulation Predictor Kits. All of them.

Last night I dreamt that I was at my doctors office, telling him about my puppy, and he stopped me and says "Sharon, I need you to pee on this."

Um, okay.

So I went and peed on this stick, and set it on the counter and waited. In my dream my eyes wouldn't focus on the words that were coming up in the display window, so I was panicking. When I was finally able to read it, it said "Sharon, you're pregnant. But you can't tell anyone out loud. You can only write it on use sign language." I left the bathroom and showed it to my doctor, and he said that the stick was true. And I could leave. So in my dream I spent the rest of it trying to decide who I was going to write a note to and tell them I was pregnant.

It was strange, but so real.

Last night, when Dallas came home from work, he asked me if I was okay. I thought it was a strange question, because usually when I don't feel good, I tell him. But I felt fine yesterday, I deep cleaned our whole apartment, and put make up on. He said that he didn't mean physically, he meant emotionally. I told him that I was fine for the moment, not that it wouldn't change tomorrow, or later in the evening, or the next minute. He was bothered by my reaction to my sister showing pictures of my niece on Friday night at my company's annual party. I told him, and I've tried to explain to anyone close to me, that if I don't want to see them right then, it doesn't mean that I'm not happy, that I don't love her more than words, or that I'm mad. It just means that at that exact moment, my emotions aren't up the task.

Had I been at home, or at her house, or it was just us four out doing something, it would have been no big deal. But being in a room full of all my co-workers and their spouses, losing my cool and bawling wasn't the way I wanted to spend the evening. Add the Femara into my mix of emotions, and I can lose it at just about anything.

I hope that my sister understands, I've tried my best to explain.

Dallas suggested last night that maybe I need to talk to someone professionally, so that I don't let all this build up inside and change who I am as a person. He was talking about the fertility struggle. He said, "Now I don't think you're crazy or anything. I just think you might need someone other than me to talk to about it!" Honestly, I've thought about seeing a therapist or councilor, or someone. Not just because of this struggle, but my anxiety and frustration in general. More days than not, I feel like my insides are about to explode.

My work has a really good mental health benefit, and I've talked to one of my co-workers before about it. She's noticed my constant worrying and anxiety, and has also suggested that I talk to someone. So I think that I am going to look into what exactly the benefits are and go from there.

If two separate people tell me I need help.. Maybe I do.

Just A Little Crush

2010-11-05T09:00:00.002-05:00

I heart Jeff Bridges. Seriously. Ever since I saw The Big Lebowski. There's just something so smooth about him. He always plays an interesting role in every movie. I just saw The Door in the Floor last weekend, and I was surprised by how much I liked him in it. And don't forget his awesomeness in Stick It (LOVE!)

Another Post on the Same Topic

2010-11-04T10:01:00.000-05:00

I know, my blog the past couple of weeks has been mostly about TTC, sorry. I usually try to keep up some sort of variety with it. But we're in the homestretch. I'm not sure what the expression means..

Anyway.

Tonight I will start taking Femara for the last time. Its my last chance to do this with minimal interference. That scares me. A lot. I'm trying to build myself back up so that I can be positive for this cycle. But in the back of my head I just remember the heart breaks of the last two years. Each one progressively got worse. The last one was so bad, I had a hard time getting out of the depressing spiral, I did nothing but cry for 3 days. I'm feeling better now, I'm working on getting my hope back. Because in all this mess, if I don't have hope, then I have no reason to try.

Lately, I've been remembering how I felt when we first decided to start trying. I was excited. Before the wear and tear of constant worrying and mega let downs took over. Before I started spending tons of money on things I was just going to pee on. Before my heart looked like it got caught in a gun fight. Before all that, I was just excited and hopeful.

I want to get back to that.

Silly Me

2010-11-02T12:02:00.000-05:00

I honestly thought that I'd be pregnant by now.

In my worst nightmares I never thought that it would take this long. Or that I'd be faced with the possibility that it really might not happen. I know that deep down, I didn't do anything to cause this. But part of me can't help but wonder. Maybe if I'd told people about my pain when I was in high school, I wouldn't have had to have an ovary removed. Maybe if I had known my whole life that I wanted to be a mom, I would be already. Maybe I'm being taught a lesson in patience.

I'm getting to the point where I have to accept that this may not happen for me without far more intensive treatments. Treatments that I'm not sure we'd be able to afford. Treatments that are going to involve more time off work than I already take, more medicines that I'm already taking, and be more intrusive than things already are. Or I can skip the treatments and move ahead to adoption. Also something that I'm not sure we could afford. And is it selfish to not want to have to adopt?

There is always the option of Fostering To Adopt. But that scares me, you don't always get to keep the first baby you're given, and there's a higher chance of getting babies who are sick, and I know that this is selfish, but why would I choose a sick baby?

I'm overwhelmed by my feelings about this. I don't know who to talk to, or what to do, or how I'm expected to be able to handle this.

Just A Little Crush

2010-10-29T13:04:00.000-05:00

First, Shut the love up! It finally happened. I don't know if you noticed or not.. But I have FIFTY followers on my blog.

50!

That is effing awesome. I get to mark it off of my Goal List now too! I'm thinking about upping me.. Maybe my next goal is 75? What do you think?

Second, its crush time. Today, its a girl crush. Because I don't discriminate. And Drew Barrymore has been my girl crush for a long time. She's so cute and quirky. Who doesn't love quirky?

I Effed Up

2010-10-28T23:00:00.000-05:00

I did. And I know that I did. I confessed it yesterday. I was getting on the computer yesterday when I got home, and I got a pop-up. From Windows Defender. It said that my computer had stuff on it (spyware, adware, underwear, I don't remember), and that I should click "yes" to scan.

I clicked yes.

The some Secure Net (I think, maybe) program asked for permission to run the program, I clicked yes. Because it started with Windows Defender. It seemed legit. So it scans, and tells me that I have trojans, and worms, and all kinds of other scary sounding stuff. And then there was a button that said "remove all". Well, hell yes I wanted to get rid of all this stuff. I hit the button.

And then it asked me for credit card info because it cost $75.

Wait, what?

We have a security thing that automatically scans for viruses and scary stuff, so I wasn't going to pay for it! I tried to exit, and it wouldn't go away. Every time I X'd it out, another pop-up would tell me I was running my computer unprotected. And then I opened my McAfee Security Suite and started a scan. Know what it found? Exactly nothing.

I was duped.

And now? The Secure Net thing won't let me do anything on my computer! Dallas is trying to fix it, get that program removed. Which I appreciate. But he's acted like he's annoyed at me all night. It wasn't totally my fault! He says he'll probably have to take it up somewhere and have them fix it and it'll cost us a hundred bucks. I already felt bad. And now I feel worse. I wish I could beat up whoever started this whole "secure net" nonsense. Gah.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Wordless Wednesday

2010-10-27T14:50:00.000-05:00

TTC Monday

2010-10-25T08:26:00.002-05:00

Well. Today isn't really a trying to conceive day. It's more like a waiting to try to conceive again day. And I'm okay with that. Sure, it took me a few days.. A few days of crying and being so unbelievably sad that I could barely function at work. But today, I'm okay.. I was even able to look on the brighter side of things yesterday. We have a work annual function on November 5th at a race track where there will be drink tickets. Since I won't be possibly pregnant, I can take advantage of my two drink tickets.

That's a brighter side, don't you think?

And then this morning, I got a comment on my blog that just brought me to tears. In a good way. It was a wonderful way start off this ho-hum Monday.

"Miss Nikki Ann said...

Sharon, Friday I had a Thermal Balloon Ablation to burn out my uterus, which means no more children for me (I'm 35yo-never-married-single mom with a 5yo son). My pregnancy was high-risk and I birthed him a month early. and due to my Chronic Illnesses, I was told it would be dangerous to have anymore. Anyway, after my surgery on Friday, a peace overcame me. And believe it or not, I thought of YOU. I thought of you and your struggle, your tears and your strength and reminded myself that I was still a woman. That if you had the strength to continue on, then so did I. We are women. And no surgeries or disappointments can take that away. We will be victorious. And you will be a mom, that I am sure of. Thank you for being so open with your story. It inspired me in a most uncertain moment. No. Matter. What. We. ARE. Women. Givers. Of. Life. In. All. Sorts. Of. Ways. That. Cannot. Be. Taken. From. Us. XOXOXO… YOUR TWITTER PAL, MissNikkiAnn

October 25, 2010 6:53 AM"

I can't even describe the warming feeling that I got hearing this. I'm in awe of MissNikkiAnn, she handles everything thrown at her with such grace and never lets her sense of humor falter.

Today is going to be a good day.

Just A Little Crush

2010-10-22T09:00:00.001-05:00

Honestly, I don't know how this crush hasn't been mention sooner! It started back in the day during Friends, when Monica was dating Pete. Ah yes, Jon Favreau. I love love love love him. He is so funny. And adorable. Then I saw Swingers (a few years late, by the way.. I know!), and that sealed the deal. I love how he spells his name, for some reason Jon is sexier than John. I love how he pops up in small roles in the movies that he directs, and I love his chin. If you haven't seen Love & Sex, you should, because its amazing. I will tell you that there is a miscarriage scene, just so you're aware before hand.

Let Down, Take Two

2010-10-21T10:41:00.000-05:00

I guess I should clarify.. I'm not giving up. Dallas and I aren't giving up. I just took yesterday's disappointment so hard. Every cycle that I don't get pregnant on is one closer to being told that I can't get pregnant at all. And to have the chance at it taken away this month just breaks my heart.

We're not giving up. And even if we get the news that its just not possible for me, we're already talking about adoption and looking into a couple options.

So thank you all tremendously for your love and support and cheering. Love you! : )

Let Down

2010-10-20T22:05:00.000-05:00

I had such high hopes for this cycle. Everything was going good, I started doing the OPKs a few days ago. I started seeing the line darken, but never got as dark as the test line. Maybe half as dark. That was yesterday. I was so excited! It was getting darker, so I just knew that today it would be there and I'd have a positive OPK!

Wrong.

Today, there was a line so faint I almost couldn't see it.

That has to mean that we're on the downhill slide of whatever LH mountain I was on. And it never peaked. Its like I missed the ski lift taking me to the top.

I'm so disappointed. Maybe I should be glad that this disappointment happened now instead of in a couple weeks. Maybe I should be glad that I've only been trying for two years, when I know there are people who've been trying way longer. Maybe I should count my blessings, because I know that there are people out there with real problems. Life threatening problems. Maybe I'm being a big baby.

Maybe.

But I don't care. I hurt. Right now, my heart hurts so bad that I can't feel anything else but hurt and anger. I didn't even get a chance this time. I'm mad.

How do I, and anyone else on this long struggle with fertility, go on?

Tonight hurts too much.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-10-20T13:55:00.002-05:00

My Little Glow Worm

2010-10-19T09:53:00.000-05:00

Sunday, was a good day. My Little Glow Worm came over to play! Okay, maaaaybe she came over to eat and sleep and pee on my bed. But she got so much more than that!

Today, she is two months old! I KNOW! Before we know it she'll be hitting us up for campaign funds so she can run for President. SLOW DOWN BAILEY! Enjoy your youth! I had big plans when she came over on Sunday, at almost two months, it was time that she was introduced to the finer things in life.

And by the finer things, I of course mean Empire Records and Bowling For Soup.

First, we listed to Bowling For Soup's album Rock On Honorable Ones. GREAT album. Of course, I love all their albums, even the one that my Starbucks Boyfriend gave me.

Then, we watched Empire Records. You all know that its my favorite movie ever. EVER. And if you've seen this cinematic masterpiece, then you know why. Its simply awesome. Sure, we all have a crush on AJ, and cry when Corey and Gina have their fight over Gina being a little on the slooty side. (If you haven't seen it, don't worry, they make up!) And we can't hear the name Rex without singing "Oh Rexy, You're so sexy!". I could tell by the look on Bailey's face that she was ready to experience this kind of Joy. And I'm not gonna lie, she loved it.

Then, we started on Bailey's first art project. Hand prints and footprints in Parisian Pink to match her bedroom. The footprints were really easy, we did them while she was asleep. The hand prints... Not so much. She was none too happy with me trying to unclench her hands to put paint on them, and then even more unhappy when me trying to take that hand and put it flat on some paper. But the final turn out wasn't too bad. I added some really cute quotes to them for her mom. She can frame it and hang the up.

So, I'll say it again.. Sunday was a good day : )

IMG00604.jpg

2010-10-19T09:47:00.001-05:00

Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Some Updates

2010-10-16T11:00:00.001-05:00

Oh! I just remembered that I forgot to update you as to what is growing in my nose!

Ready? Its not what you think it is..

THEY DON'T KNOW! Good news is that no mold or fungus showed up, he says its probably some really really old blood, but they don't know for sure.

He said that I can have surgery if I want. Um, who wants surgery? He did tell me that he doesn't pack noses anymore, he says he hasn't in 20 years! I wish the last doctor had that same history, because nose packing HURTS. He said that now they have like a spray and foams up and expands and then dissolves on its own. He would open up the opening to my sphenoid sinus cavity, and also straighten my septum while he's in there.

For now, the plan is to wait a couple months, get a new CT scan, and see him again. If theres an infection, he really wants to go ahead with surgery. If not, then we can wait. It'll be beneficial for me to have the surgery in long run, because then I won't have to worry about infections in that cavity and have very few symptoms. The main one is headaches. And since I get headaches almost daily, I can't go by that!

So, I have a little bit to think about..

Also, they upgraded our earthquake to a 5.1. The 2nd strongest earthquake to hit Oklahoma. I'll say it again.. It was scary!

Just A Little Crush

2010-10-15T09:30:00.000-05:00

I love Confessions of a Shopaholic, the movie is so cute! And, Hugh Dancy is more than adorable. I have a thing for British guys. Even when they are being rude, they sound so damn charming, I wouldn't care if they were calling me horrible names. I could get lost in his eyes, and if I do, please don't send a search party!

I Hate Dreaming of People From My Past

2010-10-14T18:14:00.002-05:00

I know that I'm not the only one that has things in my past that I regret. Right?.... RIGHT? Whew! Okay, good! I had a dream last night about someone from my past.. and my past is not all that busy. It reminded me of our whole non-relationship, and how I never got real closure.. This could get long..

In high school, I had a crush. Crush, future husband, obsession, call it what you want, just so long as you know what I'm talking about. I was very used to having crushes on guys who had no clue that I even breathed the same air they did. This crush was different. Somehow, and I only vaguely remember how it happened, we became friends. Pretty good friends. Thinking back, wow, I was such a.. well.. loser is probably the only word. I'm the same person I used to be, but I've learned to own it and make it my own.

I was new to the school, moving after 9th grade to a brand new town where I knew exactly zero people. He was dating a new "friend" of mine, I put it in " because it turns out she wasn't my friend at all, and its probably a good thing I learned it in high school instead of really investing in the friendship. She was cheating on him. As much as you can cheat on a high school boyfriend. I don't know the particulars of their relationship, and I don't care to. Since I was more her friend at the time, and he was just an acquaintance, I didn't tell him about it. It wasn't my place, yada yada yada.

After they broke up, and then she and I "broke up", he and I were friends. Kind of. I'm not sure how it happened. He wasn't like, super popular, he wasn't the football star, or anything like that. He was a normal guy, funny, and insanely good looking. I mean, in-fricking-sanely good looking. Classic good looks, he didn't try to be trendy, he was just himself. And his-self was awesome. We talked and hung out at school, all that jazz.

Our senior year, we got closer. We had a class together, and we sat next to each other. He teased me about the music I liked, he smiled at me. You know, all the normal signs that we were meant to be together. When I got sick my senior year, and had to have my whole stomach sliced open, I wasn't allowed to carry anything over 5 lbs for a month or so after I got back to school. And he offered to carry my books to my classes for me. Sure, he probably only did it because it meant we got to get out of our other classes 5 minutes early so that I wouldn't be bumped by anyone else. (Seriously, all my stomach muscles were sliced through, I had layers of internal stitches to worry about.)

And then I told him I liked him one night. And he said something to the effect of "You know I have a girlfriend." I knew he did. I don't even know why I told him. I was not an outgoing person like that. I kept my crushes secret! Then he and his girlfriend broke up a while later. I asked him if he wanted to go to prom with me, as friends, just so we'd have dates, ya know? He said that prom wasn't really his thing. So I went, alone. Well, with friends. But its never the same with friends who all have dates. I was like, the 7th wheel. We hung out at graduation rehearsal, and the all night function after graduation, he even let me win some games I played against him. After graduation, he invited me to hang out with him and his friends and play pool, where he basically set me up with his friend. His friend and I went on one date, and he called me as I was getting ready to leave, and said "How come you never go on dates with me?" SERIOUSLY. THAT HAPPENED! I hope I said it because he never asked, but I don't remember what my reply was.

A few years went by, we stayed friends, hanging out, talking and whatnot. Then, while I was with my best friend at her brothers graduation, I texted him to ask a question that I really didn't need to ask, I just wanted an excuse to text him. (Remember those days? ::sigh::) Somehow, this text conversation turned into a "why don't you come over and we can hook up" conversation. I don't even know how it happened. And then I did the thing was so much unlike me, and said yes. So, I did. Not that night or anything, one day after work. At the time, I was like, excited. This was the guy that I had spent the last 6 years in serious like with. And there I was, at his apartment, watching Pardon The Interruption on ESPN, nervous as hell, fixin' to get it on with this hunk, who was also one of my closest friends.

I'm sure you can all see where I went wrong here.

It wasn't just one time, there were plenty of others. And then it was like he didn't call or text or anything unless he wanted me to "hang out". I remember texting him at some point and telling him that I loved hanging out, but I'd love it even more if there was more to it. That never happened. I know now that I liked him too much, I couldn't get comfortable enough to really be myself, so of course there was no way that anything more than a semi-case of "friends with a couple benefits" would happen.

And then, he broke my heart for the final time. I called my friend, sobbing, knowing that I was a fool and this was really all my fault. I went to her house, we drank something with gin in it, and burned pictures of him and the first note that he wrote me (of course I kept it all those years!). Then, I moved on. Slowly. He had some new girlfriend and their cutesy pictures were all over Myspace.

I never told him exactly how I felt, and exactly how he made me feel. I felt crushed. Smashed to smitherines, broken. I was angry! During all those years, I would start to pull away from him, I would date someone else, and he would do something to reel me back in. And I just let it happen. I can't put all the blame on him, because I didn't have enough self esteem to stop it, but he knew how I felt. He had to know that every time he said something like "I wish I would have gone to prom with you", which he did, or "we should go on a date", which he did, it made me think that maybe there was a chance that something would spark between us. Unless he was stupid. Which is possible, I guess.

I'm not mad at him, we talk on occasion now, our lives took separate paths obviously. I do regret sleeping with him. But I can't regret it too much, because the whole situation helped me get to a place where I could move on. It helped me realize that we were never going to be an us. It helped me become who I am now, and thats a good thing. I know now that I would never let anything like that happen again, I would never allow myself to be so easy to sway, so easy to fool.

Or just so easy.

Let's Play a Game..

2010-10-13T11:47:00.001-05:00

Two games actually, aren't you excited?!

First game is called "What is growing in my sinus cavity?".

About a month ago, I went to the dreaded ENT. I'll start by saying that I am the biggest NONfan of having anything put up my nose. Ever. And if you've gone to the ENT for any kind of sinus issue, you know thats the first thing they do. Spray some numby stuff and stick a probe up your nose. And the probe is like a foot long. A FOOT LONG. It seems like they are knuckles deep up your nose, and my thought is "Um, where did that go? There is not 12 inches between the tip of my nose to the back of my head!". Its like a magic trick! Except this trick hurts me. As in OW.

Now, I know why it hurts. Back when I was in high school, I had sinus surgery to remove a cyst filling up my sphenoid sinus cavity. And it was horrible. The doctor didn't tell me then that I have a crooked septum. Mine is crooked like a Z. So that keeps the numby stuff from getting up into my sinus cavities, so it hurt. So last month, they took a culture of the "stuff" that was up in my sphenoid cavity, and when he did, (brace yourself, cuz this is gross) there was like black stuff in there. Like floating around in the other "stuff". And then the doctor says the three words you don't want to her.. "What is that?!". Um, YOU'RE the doctor, YOU should know. The culture came back and told us that I have(had) a staph infection up there. I asked if that was the black stuff, and the nurse said, it was probably mold.

Um, wait, what?

MOLD? She said the culture for mold and fungus takes 28 days to grow. WHO THE EFF GROWS MOLD IN THEIR HEAD?! Possibly, me. I go back to the ENT today. And the anxiety is already high from knowing that he's going to go back up my nose with his probe (sounds dirty, doesn't it? Pervs.), and I know that its going to hurt. I have my mom going with me, to ask questions I may not think of. And because she thinks I'll probably have to have surgery again. Eeek!

And I'll let you know whats growing up there in my head, don't worry!

The next game is called "What the frick was that?!"

The scenario.. I'm sitting at my desk, reading some email (or facebook, depending who I'm telling the story too ::wink wink::), and my computer monitor starts shaking. Strange. Then I realize that the floor is shaking, the walls are shaking, the trees outside are shaking. We could hear the building shaking. It didn't last very long, 20 seconds maybe.

It felt the same as when the bombing in downtown Oklahoma City happened. And I thought that something like that had happened, or a plane had crashed (we're just a few miles from the airport). It was scary. Scary scary.

If you answered "Earthquake", then you won the game. A 4.5 magnitude earthquake. About 20 miles away from where I'm at. Sure, some of you are like, what a 4.5? That's nothing. Well in Oklahoma city, THAT'S SOMETHING. If I never have to survive another one, I'll be totally okay with that!

So yes, this has been my Wednesday (so far), how has your day been?

TTC Monday

2010-10-11T09:00:00.002-05:00

I'm on my third cycle with the higher dose of Femara. I'm praying every day that this will be my cycle. Tomorrow I'm going to buy the First Response brand OPK, and say another prayer that everything works like it should.
I think my husband is starting to worry that maybe this might not happen. He's brought up the subject more the last month or so. Before, he didn't want to know when I was ovulating, he didn't know if he'd be able to perform knowing that the goal at the end was more than just an out of breath smile. He's the calm one about things, so seeing him act differently kind of freaks me out. But, I'm keeping calm.

I only have one more month after this on the Femara, after that its off to the Reproductive Endocrinologist. And that gets us into things not covered even a little bit by my insurance.

Honestly, I never thought I'd be 27 and have to worry that I might not be able to have kids. I knew it was a possibility, but I never really thought I'd have an issue.

I guess I was naive.

Letter to the Universe

2010-10-10T10:47:00.001-05:00

Dear Universe,

Hey! Its me, Sharon. The girl with the migraines and fertility issues. And possibly mold growing in my sinus cavity. Remember me? Good. Now, lets get down to business.

I have a few requests, and maybe some suggestions.

First, can we limit the amount of pregnancy announcements via facebook, family, friends, friends of family and friends, to maybe like one every two weeks. Lately, I've been ambushed by several announcements all at once, leaving me feeling like I am the only one on the planet who is not pregnant. Of course, I know that's not true, but tell that to my Femara laced hormones.

Second, what is up with the migraines? Was I a serial killer or a car salesman in my past life? Have I done something I'm not aware of to cause this migraine disease? I'm just asking, because it hardly seems fair that I spend every day in some amount of pain. I know, I know. Life's not fair. But shouldn't it be? Work on that Universe, will ya?

Third, just a suggestion, but maybe you could find a "pause" button for life. Ya know, sometimes we need to take a break, without it effecting the rest of our day. If I'm having a mental breakdown, I think it'd be very helpful to just hit "pause", deal with my issue, "un-pause", and go on with my day. I'd bet that most people out there would appreciate this button as well. Maybe you could take a look, see what needs to be done for that. If you need help, let me know, I'd be happy to try and lend a hand.

Fourth, and finally, the old black and white shows like The Dick Van Dyke Show, Donna Reed, I Love Lucy, Dobey Gillis, you know, the classics. I think they should be back on TV. Now, I know you can do this, so use whatever power was invested in you, Universe, and in the words of Tim Gunn, "make it work!". I'm sick of Nick at Nite playing George Lopez. Nick at Nite started out being amazing, with the old shows fully of comedic performances and touching lessons. George Lopez is certainly NOT a classic.

Well Universe, that's all for right now, I really appreciate you taking the time to take a look at these small but important issues. Please let me know if you need any more input, or have any questions. You know where I am. Thanks again!

Sincerely,

TTC Monday, on a Tuesday

2010-10-05T22:12:00.000-05:00

This was supposed to be written yesterday, but I was so not in the mood. So you get it today.

Yesterday was CD1.

The dreaded sign that I am, again, not pregnant. And it seems like everyone on the planet is pregnant and I missed the boat. The boat that leads to Baby Bump Rd and Newborn Way. That damn ferry boat captain just wouldn't wait for me.

This month is mine. I'm getting my hopes up. Yesterday, my husband said "I need to know when you're ovulating, so I can shoot you!".. Tacky and awesome. That's why I love him.

Honestly, I always feel bad spending money on Ovulation Predictor Kits when I'm just going to pee on them and then toss them. My doctor recommended to me that I use the OvuQuick predictor, but after kind of ordering them online, and then searching for about an hour, I find out that they are like, 50 bucks. For a maximum of 9 test. FIFTY DOLLARS! Luckily, my doctor also recommended the First Response brand, so that's what I'll be trying this time around.

I've spent most of nights in the past few weeks crying myself to sleep, which we all know gets us nowhere. I've decided that no matter how much it hurts to find out that, again, this month was not my month, I can't just lay around and feel sorry for myself. I have to get back to being the positive and optimistic me. Sure, it results in a bigger heart break, but it might just result in an ecstatic joy towards the end of the month.

I don't usually ask for other's prayers, as I know that we all have more than enough stuff to pray about, and I know that God has a lot on His plate and it might be selfish for me to want what I want when I want it, when I know that its not going to happen until He's ready for me to get it.. But, I could use some prayers, some good vibes, some kind thoughts, whatever you believe in and want to share, I'll take them.

I know that I wouldn't be able to get through ANY of this if it weren't for Dallas. His understanding, and quiet support, and humor make it possible for me to bear the pain of heart break month after month. And my mom and sisters and best friends keep my spirits up, even if its just letting me cry and complain to them. They are the rocks that keep me from floating away in this ocean of emotion (ha, that so rhymed!), they keep me where I need to be. And I love them.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-29T07:48:00.000-05:00

Love.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Doctors Are Bitches

2010-09-27T11:55:00.000-05:00

So everyone knows that I get migraines. Severe, debilitating, makes me want to die migraines. Its not new to anyone who knows me. For the past two plus years I've had FMLA for them, because I miss more work than is allowed by my company's attendance policy. But that's the ONLY reason I ever miss work. And when I am at work, I work my ass off to make sure that I get everything I need done.

Its also not new that I've had my fair share of neurologists, because I felt they weren't doing enough to help me, or they told me they couldn't help me, or they were just a dick that left me in tears every time I went to see him. I finally found a neurologist that has promise. He's already had some tests run to try to rule out a reason or trigger for my migraines. I've been seeing him since April or May I guess. Every visit I bring my color coded calendar, so he can see how my migraines have been behaving, we saw some improvement the last time, so I graduated from going every month, to going every two months. That's huge! But its still a significant problem for me.

So time came for me to recertify my FMLA paperwork. I faxed over the forms, and an explanation, and all my info about time missed the past few months so he would have something to go by. His nurse called me to tell me that he would like me to have my primary care physician fill out the paperwork.

Wait, what?

Why would my primary care physician fill out FMLA paperwork about a condition he doesn't treat?

And that's basically what he told me in his letter he mailed to me. He said have your neurologist fill this out, I've only ever seen you twice for migraines, and those were for referrals.

I called the neuro's office this morning, spoke to his nurse, told her that my primary care physician wouldn't fill it out. She said that she would leave a note for my doctor, but if he didn't think that I was at the point where I needed to miss work because of them, he wouldn't fill them out. And if he does fill them out, its a $25 charge.

Why does he get to say whether or not I can miss work because of MY pain? He's seen my calendar and knows how often I get the really bad ones that make me unable to function. Why would he even question my need to miss work when they are like that?

Why do doctor's think its okay to make our lives more stressful than they already are? If it wasn't for us being sick and having to go see them, they wouldn't be able to drive around in their fancy cars or live in their fancy houses. I said before, and I'll say it again, THEY work for US. Yet we're the ones who have to do all the hard work and stress about everything.
I want to fucking scream.

Just A Little Crush

2010-09-24T14:47:00.000-05:00

Today's crush is more than a crush. Its the love of my life. My smokin' hot husband, Dallas. Sure, sometimes he's a grumpass. But we all are. He works so hard, and he's half the reason we have a good place to live. He's part of the reason that I'm able to get the help I need for my headaches. Sure, sometimes he gritches about it when we have to go back to the Urgent Care or ER for a shot, but he's allowed. I hate going there too, but at least I get a shot when I'm there so then I don't care.

He's the silent sufferer of my migraines. He spends many nights by himself while I'm writhing in pain in the bedroom, or sleeping off some meds. He takes care of me. He's my hero.

When I casually mention something that I like, or something I want, a few days later he'll come home with it. Without me asking for it. Just to surprise me. Just to make me happy. He's amazing.

And he's hot.

The Day I Broke the Rules

2010-09-21T11:22:00.000-05:00

When I say that I was a great kid, I'm not lying. I was like an angel. Mostly it was for fear of getting in trouble. We had some strange rules growing up, that now I kind of question (sorry Mom)..

We weren't allowed to watch The Simpsons. To this day, I've only seen maybe two episodes of The Simpsons, because when I was old enough to make up my own mind what I could watch, I hadn't seen it, so it wasn't something I thought about. We were, however, allowed to watch Roseanne and Married With Children. I know, I don't get it either.

A more common rule was that we weren't allowed to watch MTV. I'm sure there were a lot of kids that weren't allowed to watch it. It didn't really bother me, because I grew up listening to country music (I used to want to be Trisha Yearwood.. seriously.) If I was over at a friend's house, and they turned on MTV, I would go sit in the other room until they changed it. Because I wasn't allowed to watch it. See what I mean? Angel. Freak Angel.

Then one day, I was at my friend Kristi's house, in her room, and she flipped it to MTV. I thought about leaving, but I stayed. Green Day's video for Basket Case came on. (Theres the link to it, since they won't let me embed it.)

And I watched it.

And loved it.

I wouldn't say that this moment was the start of my rebellion, because honestly I never really rebelled. I just formed my own opinions and then stated them, even though they were much different than most of my family's. But it was the moment that I started questioning some of my Mom's rules. There wasn't anything wrong with MTV. Back then it was mostly videos! It was blocked at home, but from then on, I didn't leave the room if a friend put it on the forbidden channel.

I did, however, leave the room if The Simpsons was on.

TTC Monday

2010-09-20T15:07:00.001-05:00

My heart is aching today.

Sometimes, I get the overwhelming feeling that all this struggling is in vain, and the only thing I'll have to show for the two years spent is surgery scars, a shattered heart, tons of empty pill bottles and a jillion pee strips. See whats missing there? A baby.

Sometimes, the feeling that I will never get a chance to be the awesome mom that I know I will be. I'll have to use my mothering skills on pets and dolls or something. I'm going to be the person you hear about on TLC or Discovery, the people with strange obsessions stemming form a traumatic experience in their life. My family will be embarrassed by me, and my emotional breakdowns over seeing a tiny shoe on the ground. My husband will wonder what he got himself into. "When I married her, she was totally normal!"

Sometimes, I feel okay about the possibility of nothing having kids. You know, I'll get to sleep in when I want. I'll get to just get up and go when I want. I won't have to worry about college funds. And then I remember that none of that matters to me. The chance to have a child with my nose and feet and Dallas's sense of humor and ears is what matters to me. Molding a little person into a productive big person is what I want. Someone to pass the traditions of our family on to theirs. The chance to have grandchildren. That is whats important.

Today, I feel broken.

Just A Little Crush

2010-09-17T16:06:00.000-05:00

Because I love yall.. here's a new crush. Well, he's certainly not new. I know I've had a crush on him since Angels in the Outfield (its not dirty, we're like the same age!). And then when Joseph Gordon Levitt was in 10 Things I Hate About You, I was thrilled. Such a cute movie! Recently, I finally got around to seeing (500) Days of Summer. And I loved it. I more than loved it. It was so good, and he was so good in it. I heart him.

The Post Where I Quote Popeye

2010-09-17T09:16:00.000-05:00

I know. I usually do Just A Little Crush on Fridays, to keep things light and fluffy on this wonderful last day of the work week. Change of plans.

Over the last several months, I've been struggling with hurt feelings. I'm not going to get into details, because they don't matter. I've been carrying around these hurt feelings, letting them dictate my life. I've always been a worrier. The incident that caused these hurt feelings put me into a super state of worry and anxiety. Every day. It was exhausting.

And then, last Friday, in my feverish state, surrounded by a ton of use tissues, I had an epiphany. Carrying around this hurt was doing nothing but hurting me. Why would I choose to let someone have this much power over me when they don't even matter. They are not an important person in my life. Changing who I am because of what they said isn't going to work for me anymore. I'm not going to make myself miserable to avoid the chance of making someone else upset. To quote Popeye, "I yam what I yam."

My head will never have a chance to get better if I walk around so stressed out that I want scream. I will never have a chance to get pregnant if my body is constantly wound this tight. I have to let go of this for me. And for Dallas, its not fair to him to have to listen to me cry and be upset of things that shouldn't matter.

And I know, everyone has told me that I need to not worry about what other people do, I shouldn't let things get to me so bad, and I should just ignore it and go on with my life in the knowledge that I am a great person, and there are plenty of people who love me. When I told Dallas my thoughts, he said "It's about time." And that's true. But I say that it doesn't matter how long it took me to get there, as long as I got there.

And maybe because I love you all so much, I'll get a new crush up here. : )

Self Reflection Sucks

2010-09-08T11:33:00.000-05:00

"This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals." - The Used, from the song I'm A Fake

I have a very unflattering habit of not letting things go. At least I know this about myself, right? If something hurts my feelings, I let it keep hurting me for a long time. I become like an abused puppy, skiddish around other people, always afraid that I'll be blindsided. In the past I have let people walk all over me, or say hateful stuff to me and I never came back with anything. I didn't want to participate in some childish argument where we just say mean petty stuff to each other. Mature, right?

Yah, until months and months later, and I'm walking on egg shells to make sure I don't do anything that could lead anyone to misunderstand what I'm doing or saying, and then I'm back in an argument, forced to listen to mean stuff about me, or defend myself and fight back.

None of that even makes sense, does it? Oh well.

I know that I cannot control how anyone else feels, acts, or reacts. I can only control how I act and react, and how I choose to move on from bad situations.

From now on:

I will not censor myself because I'm worried someone else will misconstrue what I mean.
I will be polite, cordial, and professional when needed.
I will not be fake.
I won't pretend that my feelings weren't shattered by other's harsh words or actions.
I won't pretend to be friends with someone who treats me that way, even if they pretend to be mind.
I will try to move on, and not focus on the past.

Just A Little Crush

2010-08-27T15:46:00.002-05:00

Oh Adam Brody.

Sharon and Adam sitting in a tree...

Okay, maybe not. I am married after all. But that doesn't mean I'm not totally crunching on him (like from Never Been Kissed! haha). He's my favorite character in the movie Grind. If you haven't seen Grind, I demand that you go watch it now. You won't regret it.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-25T16:52:00.000-05:00

TTC Monday

2010-08-23T14:59:00.001-05:00

The hardest day in my journey to have a teacup human was Thursday. That was also the day that my sister had her baby, my niece Bailey (my little glow-worm!). She's amazing. Heather and Bailey are amazing. And I'll tell you this, I LOVE my sister.

I know you're thinking, jeez Sharon, everyone loves their sister, but no, I really love my sister. Sure, theres times that I want to wring her neck or accidently kick her in the shins, she is my sister after all. But as we get older, those times are few and far between.

My emotions on Thursday were divided into four equal parts: Happiness, Sadness, Fear, and Guilt. Those are all pretty strong emotions on their own, but together, it really turned me into a water faucet.

Happiness: Of course I was happy! My little sister was about to make me an Aunt, and since I have an Aunt Sharon myself, I know how awesome I get to be. My little sister, the one I used to play house with, of course I was usually the mom, but sometimes we were neighbors and had our dolls as children, the one who shares all of my childhood memories, the one who I used to take care of like she was my own when she was born (I was a year and a half.. lol.), was bringing a life into this world. Bringing miss Bailey into this world where there was already SO many people who loved her. It was an awe-inspiring moment. This doesn't happen every day people!

Sadness: Anyone who has been through even one month of trying to conceive knows how sad it can make you when someone else has your dream come true. It doesn't matter how much you love them, or how happy you are, part of you is sad. And when you've been trying for a while, it just adds another degree to that sadness.

Fear: Oh, the fear. Its almost indescribable. The fear is like a black hole sucking in everything else around it. It goes so deep that you can't even feel all of it, and that's a good thing, because if you did, you'd be committed. The fear that that I will never have this moment. This moment of excitement, this moment of my whole family waiting with me to meet the newest addition to our lives, this moment of joy when he/she finally makes their entrance into the world. Sure, there is always adoption, and that will be great too, but it won't be THIS moment. The fear is so scary, and so easy to get lost in if you let yourself.

And Guilt: The tremendous guilt for feeling anything OTHER than happiness. It wasn't fair to Heather, to Jenny, to my mom for me to feel the way I did. They shouldn't have had to give a second thought to how I was doing. I should have been the LAST thing on their mind. But I wasn't. They all made sure I was okay. That's absurd, I was not the one admitted to the hospital in labor. I was just the poor sister who wishes she was. I don't think that I will be able to forgive myself for a while, I felt selfish. It was unintentional, of course. I can't control how I feel.

But I did control how I acted. I got a handle on myself before I went to the hospital, and when I felt that my tears were going to come, I made sure I was out of the room. I'm proud of myself for that.

I will forever remember holding Heather's hand, telling her she was going to do great, and her telling me the same thing. I don't know if she remembers it. But it meant the world to me. She shouldn't have had to give me a mini pep talk, but she did. And I love her for that.

And I love her for the talk we had on Saturday, while her husband slept in the chair, and Bailey radiated cuteness from her bed, or in our arms. She doesn't expect me to be happy all the time, she lets me be sad when I need to be sad, or to vent my frustrations. She understands that I'm not upset with her, or at her for getting there before me. I guess its because she's my sister. She gets me.

And, here she is with my little glow-worm.

A Little Rambling Anyone?

2010-08-14T01:21:00.000-05:00

I'm up late. Later than usual. Well, not really. But usually when I'm up this late I'm laying in bed wishing I was asleep. But I've been in bed all evening, not really sleeping, just resting, my head has been killing me all day long. I finally broke down and took a couple pain pills. Its helped ease the pain, or at least make it where I don't care so much anymore.

Have you read Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist? Its a short book, but so good. Better than the movie. I'm watching the movie right now, in the living room so my husband can sleep (he doesn't get weekends off). It reminds me of when I was younger, going to see rock shows at small clubs all the time. Not high school young like in Nick and Norah, but 20-24ish. Mostly I'd go with my two best girlfriends, and we had a blast. My favorite club venue was The Green Door, I saw Fall Out Boy, The Academy Is, Midtown, The Rocket Summer, and tons of local bands. It was such an intimate setting, so it was great for seeing rock shows. There was another club just a few buildings down from that one where we saw Straylight Run, and that was a nice little venue too.

My favorite big concert venue is The Diamond Ballroom. Its big enough to get bigger shows, but small enough for it to still have an intimate feel to it. That's where I saw my first "non 'NSync" concert. Bowling For Soup headlined, Simple Plan and GOB opened. I went with a friend from high school, and we fought and pushed our way to the front before Bowling For Soup started, and it was amazing. We were smashed up against the bar, burning up, sweating, and having a blast. We paid the security guys 5 bucks to go get us a 2 dollar bottle of water. We were NOT leaving our spot once we made it up there. That night was a life changing experience for me. It opened my eyes to a whole new world for me. Before that I was like Kool-aid and animal crackers, and after I was more like a Martini and sushi. It just broadened my views. It was the start of many rock shows for me, Bowling For Soup being the band I've seen the most, because they are my most favorite.

Its strange. I'm totally in love with the life that I have now, however boring some people might think it is. I love coming home every night to my husband, and just hanging out, goofing off, being together. I get excited when we have nothing planned and can just "be". But I miss part of the life that I had before. I miss the excitement of going to the shows, the fun of waiting in line to get into shows or to buy tickets, the road trips to see them. But what I miss the most was how close I felt to my friends. I know that its part of growing up, some friends grow in different directions. Some people change, I can't even say for the better or for the worse, they just change. And some people don't. Some of my friends are still in the party scene, some of my friends are wives and moms taking care of their family.

Sometimes I wonder if they miss the past times we had as much as I do.

And, I don't want anyone to misinterpret what I am saying, I LOVE where I am at right now, my life, with all the struggles, is better than I ever imagined it could be. So no lectures about how I should be happy with what I have.

This has just been a bunch of late night pain medicine rambling. But oh well.

Just A Little Crush

2010-08-13T10:37:00.001-05:00

I've had a crush on Shia LaBeouf since Even Stevens. I know, I'm sick, and I should probably be locked away. I'm like 3 years older than him. He was so cute back then, and man, he grew up to be H-O-T, and he has a great comedic presence. I kind of want to make out with him. A lot.

Tattoo?

2010-08-12T09:00:00.002-05:00

Lately, I've been thinking a LOT about getting my tattoo. I've always known that I wanted a poppy flower (in memory of my Poppy), somewhere on my foot. Just a small one. And over the past few years I've seen some really cute ones on the inner wrist. Sometimes just stars, sometimes a word or phrase. I like the words and phrases, like a mantra always there to remind you. I'd like someone who's a pretty good artist to draw on my wrist kinda what I'm wanting in a Sharpie or something so I can see if I do like it. I'm throwing around different options in my head..

"Strength" "Faith" and "Hope" - probably pretty cliche, but in the past year or so, all three have been tested, and its taken a lot of work to keep them as strong as they are. I think it'd be nice to have it always there reminding me that I've been through a lot, and made it.

"Breathe" - I hate Lindsay Lohan for getting this on her wrist, I don't want people to think that I am copying her.. But its such good advice that I rarely remember when I need it.

"You're never gonna be like anyone.. And thats okay." - my favorite Bowling For Soup song lyrics, and it makes me smile. Like getting permission to be myself. I don't have to be as skinny as this person, or as hot as that person, I can be me. And people still love me.

"To her own reflection she said, " I will be strong." - some more of my favorite lyrics, by Finch (you might notice them at the top of my blog page!), its just another reminder of keeping myself strong.

I'm still going over my thoughts in my head, so I don't think I'll be rushing to the tattoo parlor any time in the near future..

Do you have a wrist tattoo? What is it? Pictures by chance?

Kinda Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-11T09:43:00.000-05:00

This is my theme song as of lately, I want to runaway. And hello, when did country singers get so damn hot?!

I Have No Speech Prepared

2010-08-10T09:00:00.001-05:00

Hold the phone ya'll. I have TWO blog awards. Yes, you read that right. Not one, but two. I know that I've been a blog slacker lately, so it really means and extra lot that these two ladies awarded me. Part of these blog awards is picking other bloggers to give them to. One of them has me pick 12, the other has me pick 7. I'm just going to combine my picks and they can pick one or both awards if they want them. (Is that cheating? Probably, but you know me, R-E-B-E-L. Muahahaha!)

Jen over at What Would Jen Do passed this lovely award to me back on July 12th (blog slacker, I KNOW!), and its means a lot. When it seems like all I've written lately is sad and gloomy, getting a Sunshine Award just makes me smile. She really is a neat blogger, and yesterday she told me to rest because I could vacuum anytime. You HAVE to love a person that gives you permission to rest! Thanks so much!

The Rules for the Sunshine Award:

Display the award on your blog, thank and link back to the person that gave it to you and pass it on to 12 other deserving bloggers. (I'm doing it at the end, remember!)

Holly over at Ready To Be A Mom gave this one to me, along with a really touching blurb. Holly has been so brave in keeping us all in the know about her journey with IVF, letting us be there to support her through the anxiety, and the miscarriage after her first attempt. She's pregnant again and we're all so full of hope for her and her husband this time around. With all that is going on with her, she is ALWAYS there with words of encouragement, and asks how I'm doing. She is such a special individual that I feel blessed to have come to know.

Here is how the Versatile Blogger Award works:

1. Thank and talk about whoever gave you the award.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself.
3. Give this award to 7 other bloggers who you think rock!

Seven Facts About Me???

1. I hate cats. Hate with a passion, will never have one. Sometimes the evil beings get around my defenses in the form of kittens, but I do eventually realize they grow into cats, and I snap out of it.
2. I submit poems into contests. Most of them are old ones from when I was really sad and angry. Very emo. LOL.
3. I have an obsession with notebooks and planners. Seriously. This year I've had 4 different planners. I write big, so most planners just get on my nerves. I think I finally found one that will work for me. It has one page for each day. So I can write as big as I want, and not run out of room.
4. I color my hair a lot. My natural hair color is like seeing hair in a black and white movie. Its not gray, there's just not any color. Right now its Foxy Brown, but its been almost every color.
5. I feel like a poser when I listen to all my favorite music. I love the emo/pump/screamo music, Taking Back Sunday, The Used, Fall Out Boy, etc. I could really relate to the songs when I younger and everything sucked, but now that I am happily married, I can't really relate. But I love them still just the same.
6. I'm addicted to song lyrics. For realz. When I hear a song lyric that I like, especially ones that are snarky, I will write them down and use them in my daily life, my tweets, my fb updates, everything. It kind of drives people nuts, lol.
7. I won Geography Bee when I was in 5th grade. Yes, I am THAT awesome.

And now to pass along these beautiful awards!

1. Jenny @ Among the Blossoms - She is so cute, and so fun. And she's starting back to work after her summer vacation!
2. Tillie @ A Nuttier Life - She's so caring and full of encouragement!
3. Kate @ Busted Plumbing - She routinely blogs about farting, and that's just awesome. AND she's having a baby boy, exciting!
4. Jenny @ Road to Happily Ever After - She JUST found out she's pregnant, and there isn't anyone out there who deserves it more.
5. Kaitlyn @ Ah.. My Married Life - She's adorable, and has awesome pics on her blog.
6. Mrs. Graves @ Family Plots - She's hysterical, and fun, and she gets to use a spooky theme for her blog, that's so cool!
7. Heidi @ Migraine-Free Cooking - If you suffer from migraines, you should be following her blog and her tweets, she is a river of useful info! And super sweet as well!
8. Tiffany @ PCOS Success - She's a cute seven months pregnant!
9. Parin @ Sparkling with Crystals - One of my most favorite people. She is always there when I am feeling down, or being dumb. She lets me vent and offers amazing insight.
10. Roxanne @ Quest for Baby Hang - She is such a strong person. She's struggling through many of her own health issues, and her husband's deployment.
11. Becca @ Liberal Granola Girl - She's just amazing. No other words. Too awesome : )
12. Fertility Chick @ Fertility Chick - Going through her own struggles, she still keeps a pretty good sense of humor. I think I'm still chuckling at some stuff she's said.

There ya go! Thank you all once again for all your love and support, means more than I can ever say!

TTC Monday

2010-08-09T11:26:00.001-05:00

Ah, Monday again. I wish it was still the weekend, sometimes you need a little more than two days to recuperate before you're thrust into a new week and all its nonsense.

But, c'est la vie.

My doctor's appointment on Thursday went better than expected. Kind of. Doctors and nurses are so good at freaking you out for no reason. Telling me there's a polyp anywhere in my girlie region, especially close to my ONE partial ovary when I've been trying to get pregnant for almost two years is a good way to have me in panic mode. I was prepared for the worst, somehow this polyp was going to cause the lower half of my body to die and they'd have to amputate it, and I'd have my own TLC special about being half a person. And what was I going to do with all my funky nail polish that's too bright for my fingernails?! It was traumatic.

Then, I get there, and they tell me that there is a cyst on my ovary (duh.), and what they thought was a polyp was actually a blood clot.

Wait, blood clot? Um, people die from blood clots, right?

Oh, its not THAT kind of blood clot. Its the kind that my husband forbids me to even refer to. Whew! Crisis averted! We talked about why I might have the severe pain going on in my ovary area, the cyst maybe, more adhesions, stress? He told me that it was up to me, if I want him to, he'll get me into surgery, poke about and see whats going on, AND he'll blow out my fallopian tube while he's in there, just to make sure its clear. If the pain doesn't get better he wants to do surgery anyway. Leaving the surgery option up to me is horrible. Of course I NEVER want to opt for surgery, I've had my fair share of being gutted like a fish, and I'm good without it never happening again. But it was an enticing offer to check on my tube while he's in there. That's a fertility thing, and my insurance wouldn't over it as its own procedure.

Decisions.

He also informed me that they don't do wedge resections on ovaries anymore if they can help it, because doing that, they do take a good chuck of eggs with it, and they have no way of knowing how many they take. Awesome, so not only does my ovary not work right, but I might not even have enough eggs.. Bleh.

For now, I'm waiting it out. He increased my dosage of the Femara in hopes that I will ovulate this cycle. If I don't, I'll be shipped off to the fertility specialist. If I'm not pregnant in a few months on the higher dosage, I'll be shipped off to the fertility specialist. And I don't mind telling you, I'm scare of a higher dosage of Femara, the lower dosage had me feeling all sortsa crazy, and the hot flashes, ooh-wee, they were not friendly. I went back and forth on whether or not I was going to sit this cycle out. Give myself a break. Sure, I could take the time to try to reset myself in a way. But since I didn't ovulate on the Femara last cycle, It took 9 weeks for a new cycle, I don't want to waste that time. If my ovary is going to go kaput on me, I want to get in every chance for my own little tea-cup human as I can. I will hate myself later if something does happen, and I wasted a month.

So where am I know? I'm in pain, stressed, worried, and excited. And so if you should see me walking by, and the tears fill up my eyes, look away.. baby look away.. Wait, no. Sorry, this is the karaoke bar (Oh Peter Cetera, how I love you..)! If you see me with tears in my eyes, don't worry about it. I have all these emotions filling me up, and since every emotion I have pretty much ends in tears, I have no shot at dry eyes.

And I heart you all.

Just A Little Crush

2010-08-06T16:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not gonna lie. I'm one of the zillion gals who have a crush on Christian Bale. Mine started back with Newsies. Oh Cowboy (or Jack Kelly, or Francis Sullivan, whatever you called him..), so cute! And he was a strike leader, making the world fair again for the news boys. And he wore a cute little cowboy hat. Ooowee! Anyway. I've seen him in a lot of things that I've liked, and some that I haven't (you can shoot me, but I'm not a big Bat Man fan.). My favorites are American Psycho, he plays that role so well! And Equilibrium. That's an outstanding movie if you get to a chance to see it. And let's not forget Little Women as beautiful Laurie.

TTC Monday

2010-08-02T22:24:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm at the lowest point I've been at in my whole baby making journey. It seems like the stork is against me. Every time I feel like I'm on a path that might actually lead me to being the awesome mom I know that I'll be, I get derailed.

I finally ovulate and have 2 normal 28 day cycles, only to not have one at all the next month. Two weeks of taking more hormones that an already emotional girl should be taking has produced nothing more than more tears and a face resembling a map of the planet's active volcanoes. What it hasn't produced was a period. That makes this cycle day 180,452. No really, its cycle day 62.

Um, I know that I'm not really happy when I get my period, because it means that I'm not pregnant, and the cramps, moodiness, all that jazz. But since I'm NOT pregnant, I kinda need the period so I can try again. I can't do anything until it decides to make an appearance.

I always have pain in my ovary area, I just figure it comes with the territory, its had a lot of trauma in the past. I'm always acutely aware of what things feel like, and when the pain is worse that normal, or different, I know something is up. Somethings been up. I called my doctor last week, explained the pain, my history of large cysts that don't want to go away on their own. He scheduled me for an ultrasound last Thursday, which I wasn't excited about, but I know that its how I have to roll. I felt like the tech took a lot more pictures than usual, but when I asked him if he saw anything, he told me he couldn't tell me. I know the techs aren't supposed to tell you, but still, a yes or no head nod would have sufficed. I went all weekend not knowing if there was something there, or if I was just crazy.. Torture.

Then today, the nurse calls me and says that the doctor needs me to come into to see him to discuss my ultrasound results. I was like, um, was there something there? Then my doctor got on the phone and told me that he was pretty sure its a polyp, and I needed to come in so he could explain what he thinks needs to be done about it. But it not cancer.

Cancer? Who invited the thought of cancer into this conversation? It never even crossed my mind. Ever.

So. That's where I'm at. In pain. I have no idea what a polyp even is, or if it can cause damage, or what has to be done about it. I'm back to waiting. I go into his office this Thursday afternoon, hopefully my mom can go with me. A less emotional brain would probably be a good thing.

Always getting knocked down. Should I be taking these as signs that maybe I should just try to adopt? Maybe I'm not meant to have my own baby.

Or maybe I should just wait and see what the plan is.

*sigh*

Again?

2010-07-28T14:33:00.000-05:00

It think my ovary might be involved in some terrorism. It's target? Me.

Why?

I can feel something growing on my ovary. I can feel it when I walk or roll over on to my right side. Its an invader, and unwelcome alien visitor. Hey alien visitor, I do NOT come in peace so you should just go now. The pain is just a constant ache. Its like a dull ache, but gets sharp when I do something that pisses it off. Like its just down there waiting for me to screw up so it can stab me. It hurts more when I am sitting up and when I am laying down.. Yah. Whats that about?! I haven't slept much in the past few days, every time I doze off, it wakes me up.

I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning. I'm sure its just the same old nonsense. Another large cyst, but they want to make sure its not hemorrhaging into my ovary. I just want it gone. And I don't want it to come back. I just want everything to go right for a little while. Jeez.

Notes On A Break Down

2010-07-25T14:10:00.000-05:00

If you were around Twitter or Facebook on Friday, you know I had a rough night. I am actually finding it helpful to keep up my journal, because I can go back and see how I was feeling. Helps give me some perspective on myself. This is taken word for word from my journal..

July 23, 2010 - Minor break down tonight. Okay, maybe a major break down. Its been coming for a while now. I've felt it building up the past week. The anxiety has been so high, I was feeling it all the way up to my throat. It feels like the past few weeks have just been so full of different emotions, and I haven't had a chance to sit and deal with them. Its all been like back to back to back. The tension inside me is just turning me into one big knot.

I was laying down and Dallas came into the room and asked me what was wrong. I was only kind of crying before, but it seems like when someone asks me whats wrong, or if I'm okay, it turns my emotions higher because then I started sobbing. He's so sweet, he just hugged me for a while and let me cry. He told me that I didn't have to keep it all in, I didn't have to be strong all the time. And I could cry on his shoulder anytime. And I know that I can, but sometimes, crying by myself is okay with me.

Mostly, right now, I'm tired of struggling for everything. EVERYTHING. I struggle just to be normal, and it doesn't even work. And I know that everyone has their problems, and mine are small compared to a lot of other people. I feel guilty for being upset. I do know how lucky I am to have what I have. But every day is a constant struggle for me. I struggle with my head, always in fear of doing something, or doing nothing, to make it explode. Almost every day I am in moderate to severe pain. The every day pain, worry, fear, tension of it all wears me down. Its mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I can't take it another day.

On top of that, the fertility (or lack there of) issue weighs on me. Twenty-one months we've been trying to get pregnant. And I try to smile and be optimistic, because I know that no matter what we do, it all happens on God's time, not mine. But I feel like a failure. I've failed at making Dallas a dad, I've failed at making my mom, Celia, and Steve grandparents. I've failed at making myself a mom. Thank goodness that Heather is making Jenny an aunt, so I'm not failing so much at that.

I'm a big emotional, stressed out, exhausted, sick of myself failure. Go me.

Song For The Day

2010-07-21T16:00:00.001-05:00

Fear in me so deep it gets the best of me,

In the fear I fall, here it comes face to face with me,

Here I stand hold back so no one can see,

I feel these wounds, step down, step down,

step down.

(am I) Breaking Down

Can I break away

Push me away, make me fall,

Just to see, another side of me,

Push me away, you can see,

what I see, the other side of me.

Fall back on me, and I’ll be the strength I need,

to save me now, just come face to face with me,

stay in place you'll be the first to see, me heal these wounds,

step down, step down, step down, down

I’m not breaking, down

can I break away

push me away, make me fall,

just to see another side of me,

push me away you can see,

what I see, the other side of me

Go!

Fall, can I break away

push me away, make me fall,

just to see another side of me,

push me away you can see,

what I see, the other side of me

No one can see anything on the other side of me

I walk, I crawl, loosing everything and waiting for the downfall

No one can see everything on the other side of me

I walk, I crawl loosing everything on the downfall.

Downfall, Fall.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-07-14T14:16:00.002-05:00

Stuff My Husband Says

2010-07-13T12:43:00.000-05:00

WTF Guys! I lost a blog follower. I'm so sad now. Whyyyyyyy? Why did you leave? Was I too strange? What? I'll change!

Wait. No I won't. Like Popeye says, "I am what I am and that's all I am."

So, Sunday and yesterday were really awful days for me. I was traumatized, for real, not just me being dramatic. And then I was sick.

Him: I hope you're hungry tomorrow.

Me: Well, I usually am hungry on a daily basis.

Him: Well, I thought I'd take you out to dinner, since your last two days have been pretty bad.

Me: Oh, that's so sweet!

Him: Now, don't go thinking that just because you have a bad day, I'm going to take you out.

TTC Monday

2010-07-12T13:48:00.000-05:00

Dang. Monday again already? Well actually, I'm writing this Sunday, but posting it Monday. Aren't you glad I'm so on top of things? Getting a post written a whole day early!

Monday.. AKA CD 42.. AKA 14 days late.. Hell.

One call into my doctor. Two whole weeks late. Three negative pregnancy tests. Four re-counting of the calendar (like I could suddenly two weeks of my life!).

The last two months that I've taken the Femara, I've been exactly 28 days. So when I realized that I was like a week late, my hopes jumped up. I mean, jumped. Like trampoline jumped. What if this was really the month?! What if this time, it ends up happy?! What if I finally get to reveal to my family and friends (and the awesome way I plan on telling them) I'm pregnant?!

And you know when you think there might be a chance that you are pregnant, you start to have symptoms, whether they are real or imaginary, they are there. What? I have heartburn? I must be pregnant! I've peed how many times today? That's a sign! Are these just regular cramps, or is my uterus preparing to grow a child?! I've pretty much driven myself insane the past week. I thought about it more than my husband things about sex. Seriously.

And then a negative test.

Oh well, okay. I'll take another one in a few days if I need to.

And then a negative test.

Okay...

So I took another test on Saturday morning. Negative. NEGATIVE? WTF?

And the few people that I've really confided in are so sweet. They are trying to keep my spirits up with stories of people who never ever test positive on a home pregnancy test. And as much as I want to believe that, its insane to think that I'm the exception to the rule. I'm just the rule. If three pregnancy tests have told me that I'm not, I'm probably not.

So today is Monday. Cycle day 42, 14 whole days late.

And I'm just ready to get whatever is going to happen to happen. Lets do this already!!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-07-07T15:55:00.004-05:00

Stuff My Husband Says

2010-07-06T08:28:00.001-05:00

I know its been a little bit since I've told you something my husband says. Its not that he doesn't say funny things anymore, I've just been not documenting very well LOL.

This weekend, Dallas and I went to dinner at Carino's, and I ordered the Chicken Fettucini (yummo!). Its so delicious, the sauce isn't that heavy, and their chicken is sliced so thin, its amazing.

Me: I wonder how they get their chicken so thin!

Him: They probably make them run on a treadmill.

The Award For Best Baby Shower Ever..

2010-07-02T23:11:00.004-05:00

Of course goes to me! Why? Because I kinda rock at baby showers.

And a little side note.. This is my 200th post!

As you all know, I was kind of last minute told I was already supposed to have been helping with my sister's baby shower. Not a big deal, it was just that it was like 3 weeks before the shower, and nothing had been done. And I tend to stress myself out, because I want everything to be perfect. This was my sister's first baby shower, she doesn't get that back if I mess it up.

I was in charge of the games, the favors and the prizes.

The Games

We started with a baby related Madlib. As people were doing their introductions, we asked them for whatever we needed, the adjective, verb, location, etc. Then while we were doing other stuff, we got it all filled out, to read it later towards the end of the shower.

(1)_______________ stopped everything she was doing when she felt a sudden

painful contraction in her (2)_______________. Of course, the first thing she did

was go to the (3)_______________ and (4) ______________, to keep her mind off of

the discomfort. When the contractions became more frequent,

(5) _______________ suggested that she (6)_________________, till she knew for

sure if she was in labor. She 7)______________________ declined. She was sure it

was time to go to the 8)__________________ and give birth to her

(9)_______________ baby.

Before leaving she called the (10)_______________ and said she would be leaving

right after she (11)_______________. Within (12)_____ minutes of hanging up the

phone, she was to the point where she could not even

(13)_______________________ during a contraction.

When (5)_______________ walked into the (14)_______________ and saw

her on her hands and knees (15)_______________, he said “we are going NOW!”

and quickly packed up the (16)_______________ and got everything ready.

The drive to the (8)__________________ was (17)__________________. When

(1)_______________ arrived, the (10)_______________ examined her. She was

(18)_____ cms dilated and the baby's (19)_______________ was right there. The

(10)_______________ suggested she try (20)_______________ through a few

contractions. It worked! Her (21)_______________ broke. (22)_____ more pushes

and a loud (23)_______________ later, the baby was born.

Baby (24)_________________ was so perfect, with a (25)________________

(26)_______________, and (27)_____ fingers and toes. Everyone noticed

immediately that the baby had her father's (28) __________ and her mother's

(29)_______________.

She weighed (30)_____ pounds, (31)_____ ounces and was (32)_____ inches long.

01. _______________ (new mother/mother-to-be)

02. _______________ (body part)

03. _______________ (location)

04. _______________ (present tense verb)

05. _______________ (new father/father-to-be/birthing coach)

06. _______________ (present tense verb)

07. _______________ (adverb)

08. _______________ (location)

09. _______________ (adjective)

10. _______________ (professional)

11. _______________ (past tense verb)

12. _______________ (number)

13. _______________ (present tense verb)

14. _______________ (room)

15. _______________ (verb ending in 'ing')

16. _______________ (vehicle)

17. _______________ (adjective)

18. _______________ (number)

19. _______________ (body part)

20. _______________ (verb ending in 'ing')

21. _______________ (thing)

22. _______________ (number)

23. _______________ (exclamation)

24. _______________ (baby('s) name)

25. _______________ (adjective)

26. _______________ (body part)

27. _______________ (number)

28. _______________ (body part)

29. _______________ (body part)

30. _______________ (number)

31. _______________ (number)

32. _______________ (number)

We also played Who Knows The Mommy-To-Be the Best. I got about twenty questions together, and got the answers from my sister. We asked all the guests to answer, and whoever go the most won a prize.

1. When is Heather’s birthday?

2. What is Heather’s favorite color (specific)?

3. What is Heather’s middle name?

4. When Heather was in 2nd grade, what did she change her first name to?

5. What is Heather’s favorite TV show?

6. How big was Heather when she was born?

7. What colors did she pick for Bailey’s nursery?

8. Where did Heather and Jake meet?

9. How many aunts and uncles will Bailey have?

10. What was Heather’s first car?

11. How many pairs of maternity undies does Heather have?

12. What is Heather’s favorite food?

13. What date did Heather find out she was pregnant?

14. How many kids does Heather want to have?

15. What is Heather’s favorite movie of all time?

16. What strange cravings has Heather had?

17. Where does Heather work?

18. How many pairs of flip flops does Heather have?

19. What is Heather’s dog’s full name?

20. Who is Heather’s favorite singer?

Next was the purse scavenger hunt, I put the list of items on the tables, so the guests could go through their purses as the shower went on. And whoever had the most on the list won the prize.

1. Dental Floss

2. Grocery Store Receipt

3. Form of Birth Control

4. Cassette Tape

5. Shopping List

6. Piece of Candy

7. Colored Paper Clip

8. Family Picture

9. Single Earring

10. Bobby Pin

11. Gum Wrapper

12. Business Card

13. Nail Polish

14. iPod/MP3 Player

15. Pen with colored ink

16. Post-It

17. Tissue

18. Toy

19. Flier

20. Invitation To This Shower

Other games were Guess How Many.. I put 196 Sugar Babies (ha, get it? Sugar BABIES!) in a baby bottle, and whoever guessed the closest won the bottle and all the candy in it. We were going to do a sock matching game that I played at my best friend's shower, but we ran out of time.

The Favors

I made a CD to give out as favors, along with a poem. And some flower pens that my husband made for me while I was at work.

Track List

1. Baby Baby – Amy Grant

2. Hey Baby – Bruce Channel

3. Forever Young – Rod Stewart

4. Baby Love – Diana Ross & The Supremes

5. Be My Baby – The Ronettes

6. Can’t Take My Eyes Off You – Frankie Valli

7. Isn’t She Lovely – Stevie Wonder

8. Can’t Get Enough of You Baby – Smashmouth

9. Hey Baby – No Doubt

10. Always Be My Baby – Mariah Carey

11. Sweet Child of Mine – Guns n’ Roses

The Poem

I'm really glad that you could come

And help surprise my mother

Sit down, relax, enjoy yourselves

And chat with one another

Sorry I can't be with you

To join in Mommy's shower

But I'm very busy you see

I'm growing more each hour

Though I'm not there to thank you

For the lovely gifts you've brought

My family is grateful

We appreciate the thought

I'll be arriving shortly

And I'm as happy as can be

So, after I've been home awhile

Please come and visit me.
- Love Bailey (my neice's name)

And finally, just for my sister, I made a DVD. Pictures of Heather and Jake growing up, pictures of them as a couple, baby bump pics, and some ultrasound pictures. For the label of the DVD, I took Bailey's profile picture, tinted it hot pink, and titled it.

I put the video I made on YouTube, so I could show it to some people, since only a few people were getting the DVD, like Heather, The Grandparents, Best friends, ya know. I'm taking the video down in a couple of weeks, but if you want to see it, here it is.. I worked so hard on it, and there's music, so turn your speakers on!

We thought about getting some picture matting to have everyone sign and give their well-wishes, but I thought that having a children's book where people signed the inside covers instead. I got her a Mother Goose book with allllllll the nursery rhymes. It was an awesome book, and we passed it around for everyone to sign. It was an awesome idea I think, lol. All in all, it was a good shower. And I really think that she enjoyed it. I hope she did. I may have set the bar too high, but my shower better be this freakin awesome when I finally have one : )

Just A Little Crush

2010-07-02T15:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Bradly Cooper,

I'd like you to carry my child. While wearing the black suit from The Hangover. Thanks! Heart you!

Why I'm Not Sleeping

2010-07-02T00:19:00.002-05:00

You know when you get into an argument with one of your best friends, it seems to weigh on your mind and your heart until its resolved. My heart and mind have been so heavy since Sunday evening. And I don't even know if my friend and I are in an argument. The weight of the unknown and the possibility of things not being right is eating away at my insides.

For the past few years, I've gone with one of my closest friends to watch our city's fireworks show. The place is big field behind a church. Last year I went with my mom, and met my friend and her family there. On Saturday, my friend wasn't going to be able to make it, but she said her family would be there. Well, my mom decided to go early, to have a little picnic with her foster kids, and to let them run around for a while before the show. My husband and I showed up right after my friend's family got there. We said hey, and went to go sit on the blanket with my mom. After the show, we went over and talked to my friend's family, joked around like we always have. Said goodnight.. No big deal.

I guess I was wrong.

Sunday, after I got home from my sister's shower, I was already extra emotional and crying. I logged onto Facebook and see my friend's status was something along the lines of "After hearing about some shit that went down its left a bad taste in my mouth.. I'll have to decide what I want this outcome to be.". Naturally, I was curious, who wouldn't be. Some people asked what was going on, and her sister told everyone that her family's been going to the same place to watch the fireworks show for 10 years, and this year one of her sister's friend and family stole their spot, and it upset them.

Oh.

Oh! I was that friend, and it was my family.

Honestly, it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I couldn't breathe, and I was sobbing. I've been around this family since I was in 11th grade. Ten years! It killed me to think that my good good friend and her awesome family were mad at me. Did they think that we deliberately went and "stole their spot" to ruin their holiday? I hoped they knew me better than that. We were literally taking up a spot in the grass that was the size of a twin size comforter. There was plenty of room.

My mom apologized to my friend in the comments. Her sister said that she wasn't trying to be rude, and it was that every year the crowd gets bigger and they always make room. Well, except for this year I guess. No one came over to the grassy area. And even if it wasn't meant rudely, it hurt my feelings so bad. I was devastated. I was inconsolable all night long.

My mom sent my friend's parents an apology note, trying to make things right. My friend deleted her facebook account, which honestly I don't think was her trying to get away from me or anything. She just didn't want to deal with silly drama. TOTALLY understandable. Her phone is messed up, she can't get texts, she can't see her screen. I've called her a few times, but got no answer. In my over thinking head, I worry that she's ignoring my calls, that she's mad at me, for something so silly, for something she wasn't even there for.

So now, at 12:15am on Friday morning, I'm up, worrying. I don't know if she's mad at me. I don't know if her family is mad at me and my family. I just don't know, and that's probably one of the worst feelings ever.

TTC Monday

2010-06-28T15:38:00.000-05:00

Another weekends come and gone. I wish I had something positive to write, but I just can't get the positive out today. I'm in week two of my 2WW, but I'm not as hopeful as I was last time around. Some of my symptoms were wishy-washy, so I wasn't sure what to think. Oh well. Not a lot that I can do about it now right?

Yesterday was my sister's baby shower, and I'm not going to lie, I put on a good shower. You guys can expect a post about it shortly. The day was filled with equal parts of super happiness and super sadness. I didn't cry 'til I got home, and I think most of that was just me being tired and the coming down from the stress. And then some facebook drama that really didn't need to take place.

People keep telling me that it'll be my time soon, and while I appreciate it, I can't help but think what if its never my time. What if my time isn't supposed to happen and I just missed the memo? What if I've wasted 21 months worth of tears, heartaches, frustrations, time, and money?

Just A Little Crush

2010-06-25T09:23:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago my husband bought me My So-Called Life on DVD. And I LOVE it. I'm 27 now, and I still know the feelings in that show. It moves me so much, its the closest depiction of how things really were in high school, not how your parents thought they were.

As strong as my love is for MSCL, my love for Jordan Catalano might be a tad big stronger. He's soft spoken and always seems lost. It feels like he is torn between who he is and who he wants to be. In my mind, Jordan and Angela date for a while, then go their separate ways, but ultimately end up together after high school.

Its important for you to know, this week's crush is Jordan Catalano, not Jared Leto (though he is a crush of mine as well..).

What To Do..

2010-06-24T13:32:00.001-05:00

I'm doing some blog thinking the past few days, as another blog post of mine might have possibly contained something that could be construed as a threat of physical violence to someone who I don't even work with. (The person I was referring to in that post isn't someone I work with.)

The fact is that I don't write about work. I have in the past, but when drama went on (that had nothing to do with my blog), I went through and deleted them. I used to be at wordpress, because I could password protect individual posts. After I moved to blogspot, I deleted all the posts that had anything to do with work. I just don't need that added drama in my life. I don't write about work, or anyone at work, to protect myself.

But now, I am having to self-edit every time I write. Editing myself! Can you imagine?! I'm always worried now about what I write. Who will end up with hurt feelings? Who's going to take something the wrong way and cause problems? Who is so immature and vain that they will always think I'm talking about them when in fact it probably has zero to do with them (channelling my inner Carly Simon!)? Honestly, it makes me want to not write anymore.

I'm proud of my blog, I'm proud of the thought that I put into writing, the way that I am able to show some true emotion on it. And the thought of not writing makes me sad, but the thought of so much drama coming from what I write.

Its not effing necessary! I don't write about work, I don't use names unless I have asked them and they said it was okay, I don't use obscene language (maybe just some obscene letters), and I don't make fun of people. I write about me, my life, and what I am feeling about things.

Short of deleting this blog, I'm not sure what to do.

**This is not a post about how I'm mad at anyone in particular. I'm glad when things get brought to my attention, because I honestly hate hurting or upsetting anyone. Its just a post about being frustrated.**

Father's Day

2010-06-20T12:42:00.002-05:00

Hi! I know, I've been a blog slacker lately, but I've been working on my sister's baby shower, and its taken up all my time and creativity right now. Her shower is next Sunday, so after that I should be good. And expect a blog post including the video I made for her.

Today, obviously, its Father's Day. I've never really been a fan of this day. Yah, when I lived with my grandparents, I got to celebrate it with my Poppy, but it just wasn't quite the same. My Poppy was the most important male figure in my life. My father hasn't been around since I was like, a year and a half I think. I've met him exactly 3 times that I can remember. I can count the amount of letters and cards (combined) he's sent me (and my sister) on both hands. He always ALWAYS writes something along the lines of "Sorry I haven't written, I'm really bad at procrastinating." At 27, I get it. He doesn't write. I don't need excuses. At some point, he made a choice that I was very low on his priority list. And while I'm not okay with that, I have to deal with it. I can't change who he is.

I do want to say Happy Father's Day to all of the fathers who are acting participants in their kid's life. Its hard work, and even harder if theres a separation involved. I commend you fathers who are getting it done. Who aren't taking the easy way out. Who realize that whether it was an accident or not, you have this awesome responsibility, and even greater privilege. Your kids will grow into the person they are based on what you or do not do. So take pride in yourselves knowing that you are doing it. You are amazing, and you rock hard. Don't forget that.

And don't screw it up.

On a lighter note, if you're not a father, and you wondering how to become one.. Grease 2 can give you the basics. Enjoy : )

TTC Monday

2010-06-14T18:57:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow or Wednesday should be O Day. This month I don't have as high hopes as I did last month. Is this normal? I'm generally a pretty hopeful person. Maybe its all the stress I've been trying to deal with the past few weeks.

How do you handle it when someone you know, but aren't friends with by any stretch of the word asks you something along the lines of "When are you going to get pregnant?". When they asked, I skipped most details, and just told them we were going to have to have a little help, but it would happen when it was time. This person asked "You mean like fertility drugs?". I said well, yah. Kinda. And the they went on and on about how I was going to end up with 7 or 8 babies, and don't I know that babies are expensive.

What the effing eff.

I was at a loss for words. Where do people get off. I know this is a well covered complaint among the TTC neighborhood, but it doesn't make it any less annoying.

And I'm pretty sure this person was trying to be a big effing citag.

I'm Lucky To Be Alive

2010-06-03T21:57:00.000-05:00

This afternoon, I had a near death experience. For real, Internet, it was serious. I will try to recall the events to the best of my ability, but it was traumatic, I think my mind may have blocked some of the more gruesome details.

I was walking, barefoot, in my kitchen to get a Diet Coke from the fridge. Just minding my own business, be-bopping along. My phone was in the living room, and it started making noise, so I set the Diet Coke down on the counter, and went to get my phone. I took care of my texting and facebooking, then headed back to the kitchen. And then I saw it.

A spider.

On my kitchen floor.

So many things went through my head.. Did it see me? Of course it did, they have EIGHT eyes! Was this a poisonous spider? I choose to live like all spiders are poisonous, and they are all out to get me. Was it plotting its attack on me? I could see in its creepy eight eyes, it was definitely plotting my death.

Who did this spider think it was coming into MY kitchen and trying to attack me?! I was not going to stand for this. Well, actually, I was going to stand for this. On the chair, in the other room. I watched it for about 5 minutes, it watched me for about 40 minutes. That's 5 minutes for each eye.

How was I going to defeat this hideous monster in on my kitchen floor? I didn't want to step on it, because they run so fast. What if it ran up my leg?! I didn't want to ruin my shoes by squashing him anyway. Then, I spotted my weapon of choice. Clorox Clean-Up. Bleach in a spray bottle. I nonchalantly walked to the kitchen where the bottle was on the counter, I didn't want him to know I had a plan. And then in one swift movement I grabbed the bottle, aimed it at the intruder, and sprayed. Several times. He shrivelled up and didn't move. I sprayed him a few more times, just in case he was trying to lull me into a sense of false security.

Victory was mine.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-02T17:08:00.004-05:00

TTC Monday

2010-05-31T21:03:00.000-05:00

So, I've set a date. Friday, June 4th, 2010. Maybe. Sunday, June 6th. Definitely by Wednesday June 9th.

You all know the date I'm talking about. That will be my pee on a stick day. If my "monthly gift" (don't yall just love those commercials with that lady in the green always trying to spoil things? They crack me up!) doesn't show up. And I'll probably push that date back. I always do. Seeing a nasty ole negative is just heartbreaking. As long as I don't take it, and still don't have a period, there's hope. If that makes sense.

And if it is a no, I will not cry. I will not be sad. I will not curse the universe for letting every other screwed up girl who has no business being a mother of a dog have a baby.

Well, maybe I will a little bit.

Yum Yum, Eat 'Em Up

2010-05-27T10:58:00.000-05:00

I told you all yesterday that I was thinking about giving you the recipe to my most favorite meal.. And you'll be glad to know that I've decided to go ahead and do that! There's not really a name for this recipe, I just call it Chicken and Rice and Mushrooms (real creative, I know!).. On some of the ingredients, I don't know the measurements, because I've just been making it for such a long time, I can eye ball it.

Chicken and Rice and Mushrooms

Ingredients:

1 pkg Chicken Breasts
1 pkg Sliced Mushrooms (or you can slice them yourself)
32 oz Chicken Broth
Rice (I like brown rice, but my husband doesn't, so we use white rice, either works)
Soy Sauce
Ground Ginger

Dice the chicken into bit size squares, and put in a large skillet. Add a little chicken broth and soy sauce, just enough to saute the chicken with.

Saute until the chicken is done. Add the rest of the chicken broth and some soy sauce (add the soy sauce to taste, but remember that you're going to put it over rice, which will make it taste more bland). Cover and simmer on medium low.

In another pot, boil water. (haha, here's a picture, in case you're confused.) Made your rice according to the directions on the package.

While your rice is cooking, add your sliced mushrooms to the skillet. I usually wait til theres about 5-7 minutes left on the rice, so the mushrooms will stay kind of firm. Sprinkle some ground ginger in as well, again, just to taste.

After your rice is done, and your mushrooms are how you like them, its ready to eat! Put some rice in a bowl, and put the chicken and mushrooms on top of it. I add a lot of the broth juice, so its like soup.

Its so good. Its also very hot. I always burn my tongue when I make this. And theres usually plenty for leftovers. Delish!

Life

2010-05-26T17:58:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder how to go to where I am in my life. I'm not disappointed in my life, its just not the path I had always planned on. I don't think that I am doing anything that I always wanted to do. Well, except for writing this blog I guess, I always wanted to write something that other people read. I always hoped it would be a novel of some sort, but hey there's still time for that.

Growing up, I wanted to be a teacher. I mean I REALLY wanted to be a teacher. I was teacher's pet in 5th grade, I helped her clean the class room, I made copies for her, I'm pretty sure I asked for extra homework! At the end of the year, she was getting rid of a whole bunch of her stuff, like, old teachers books, and those border things that go around the bulletin boards. What kind of nerd was I you ask? I asked her for them, and I took them home, and played school with my sisters and friends. Yah. Nerd. I know. I wanted to be a teacher for a long time. There was a brief time where I changed my mind and wanted to be an interior decorator.

In high school, I decided that I wanted to be a hair stylist. I have always loved doing hair. My sister's hair always looked cute, because I would basically force myself on their hair! I still do my mother's and my baby sister's hair often. When I told my mom that I wanted to be a stylist, she told me that was a job for stupid people. I don't think she meant it like it sounded. I think she meant because I am so smart, I could do anything, why just do hair. I think. I hope. Either way, it discouraged me from doing that.

I'm pretty sure I could have gotten any scholarship that I applied for in high school, I was smart, I had extracurricular activities (seriously, I was Miss Congeniality for the whole state of Oklahoma. Kind of LOL.) But when I got sick my senior year, that screwed everything up. I had teachers fail me. I got incompletes. They disenrolled me from school. Even though we went to my principal and told him I would be gone for however long, and I would do my homework and send it with my sister. My counselor was absolutely zero help. When I graduated, like physically walked across the stage, she said to me "I didn't think you'd make it".

After high school, I decided I wanted to be on the radio. So I went to broadcasting school. I shelled out a lot of money. I'm still paying student loans for it. And do I work in the radio industry? Nope. When I graduated, with stellar grades and an amazing air check, the only jobs available were stations that wanted me to work part time, or worse, intern. For free. That wasn't an option. I wasn't born into a rich family, my single mother had 3 kids to take care of, and from the day I graduated, I worked for everything I have.

So all of this is a long drawn out explanation of where my life COULD be, and where it is. I could be a teacher. I'd be an amazing teacher. I could be a hair stylist. And damn, I could be a great hair stylist. I could be on the radio right now. I totally have the personality for radio.

But I'm not.

And I know, I could go back to school, I could be anything I want to be. I'm only 27.

I want to do it all. Is that too much?

TTC Monday

2010-05-24T17:10:00.000-05:00

I'm officially in my 2ww. What if right at this very minute, the beautiful mixture of my smile and ears and Dallas's sense of humor and brown hair is coming to life. What if in a few weeks, I get to have my own facebook pregnancy announcement. What if when we sign the lease on our apartment, we get to ask for a two bedroom. What if the letters to Baby C. now actually have a future reader.

I'm in awe of what could be.

I'm terrified of what might not be.

I'm trying to keep an "Oh, it'll happen whenever" attitude. Its so not easy.

Pouring Out My Insides

Just a Note

The Post In Which I Apologize

The Post Where I Sound Really Whiney and Selfish..

Life Part 2: Who I Want to Be

Life Part 1: Who I Am

Save the Boobies

Ewwe

My Brilliant Business Idea

Today

Back in the Saddle

What Have I Been Up To?

Two Months

Mother's Day

Music In My Soul

Weeks

Beautiful

Lost

Letter to Baby C

The Best Story EVER

Just A Little Crush

Euphemisms

The Essay That Didn't Win

Peace Out 27

Zero Progress

Just A Little Crush

I Know A Keeper When I Meet One

February 2011 Headache & Migraine Blog Carnival

Fix Me, Doctor, Please!

The Months, They Don't Matter, Its the Days I Can't Take

New Year

Are You There, Sharon? It's me.. Sharon

The Plan

TTC Monday

Just A Little Crush

A Through Z

The Statement My Undies Make

Where I Am

TTC Monday

Like Otis Sang, I've Got Dreams..

Just A Little Crush

Another Post on the Same Topic

Silly Me

Just A Little Crush

I Effed Up

Wordless Wednesday

TTC Monday

Just A Little Crush

Let Down, Take Two

Let Down

Wordless Wednesday

My Little Glow Worm

IMG00604.jpg

Some Updates

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I Hate Dreaming of People From My Past

Let's Play a Game..

TTC Monday

Letter to the Universe

TTC Monday, on a Tuesday

Wordless Wednesday

Doctors Are Bitches

Just A Little Crush

The Day I Broke the Rules

TTC Monday

Just A Little Crush

The Post Where I Quote Popeye

Self Reflection Sucks

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Wordless Wednesday

TTC Monday

A Little Rambling Anyone?

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Tattoo?

*Kinda* Wordless Wednesday

I Have No Speech Prepared

TTC Monday

Just A Little Crush

TTC Monday

Again?

Kinda Wordless Wednesday