If you were around Twitter or Facebook on Friday, you know I had a rough night. I am actually finding it helpful to keep up my journal, because I can go back and see how I was feeling. Helps give me some perspective on myself. This is taken word for word from my journal..
July 23, 2010 - Minor break down tonight. Okay, maybe a major break down. Its been coming for a while now. I've felt it building up the past week. The anxiety has been so high, I was feeling it all the way up to my throat. It feels like the past few weeks have just been so full of different emotions, and I haven't had a chance to sit and deal with them. Its all been like back to back to back. The tension inside me is just turning me into one big knot.
I was laying down and Dallas came into the room and asked me what was wrong. I was only kind of crying before, but it seems like when someone asks me whats wrong, or if I'm okay, it turns my emotions higher because then I started sobbing. He's so sweet, he just hugged me for a while and let me cry. He told me that I didn't have to keep it all in, I didn't have to be strong all the time. And I could cry on his shoulder anytime. And I know that I can, but sometimes, crying by myself is okay with me.
Mostly, right now, I'm tired of struggling for everything. EVERYTHING. I struggle just to be normal, and it doesn't even work. And I know that everyone has their problems, and mine are small compared to a lot of other people. I feel guilty for being upset. I do know how lucky I am to have what I have. But every day is a constant struggle for me. I struggle with my head, always in fear of doing something, or doing nothing, to make it explode. Almost every day I am in moderate to severe pain. The every day pain, worry, fear, tension of it all wears me down. Its mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I can't take it another day.
On top of that, the fertility (or lack there of) issue weighs on me. Twenty-one months we've been trying to get pregnant. And I try to smile and be optimistic, because I know that no matter what we do, it all happens on God's time, not mine. But I feel like a failure. I've failed at making Dallas a dad, I've failed at making my mom, Celia, and Steve grandparents. I've failed at making myself a mom. Thank goodness that Heather is making Jenny an aunt, so I'm not failing so much at that.
I'm a big emotional, stressed out, exhausted, sick of myself failure. Go me.
