They Say It's Your Birthday..

It's my birthday too! Well, in a little over a week it's my birthday. The big 29. My final age. I'll always be only 29. If you're looking to buy me a gift.. I have a few suggestions of what I'm really wanting the most right now..

Some Nights by FUN.

Urban Decay Naked2 Pallet

Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion (Full Size)

Van's Slip Ons (Size 9)

Daria - The Complete Series

Freaks and Geeks - The Complete Series

Flip UltraHD Video Camera 4 GB (Magenta)

And of course, gift cards to Amazon, Target, Ulta, etc. :)

<3 you all!

One Step Forward..

Two steps back.

Most of last year, I was broken. So deep that I wasn't sure I'd ever feel normal again. I know thats common after loss. It took some time, but I did eventually pull myself out of the hole I was in. I finally got to a point, emotionally and mentally, where I was ready to start trying to conceive again. I made an appointment with my doctor, and went over all of my questions and concerns. He gave me the green light, and told me that he didn't think it would take long. Now that my body knows what is supposed to happen, it might work a little better this time around.

Our plan was to try naturally for 4 cycles. If we weren't pregnant in that time, I would start taking the medication again and try for another 4 cycles. Or if I didn't get a positive OPK in the first 2 cycles, I would start the medicine.

I was feeling good about it. I had a positive outlook, knew that 2012 would be our year to have our little teacup human.

And then my husband came home one day after work and told me that he made a doctor's appointment. "Why", I asked. He tells me that he's been having issues for a little while, and he wants to get them checked out. The doctor tells us that he has an infection, either in the prostate or the bladder. And that he has pretty low testosterone.

Really? Didn't see that coming. He was referred to a urologist, to get some more blood work done. The newest blood work showed that his testosterone was really low, and they can't treat it how they want since we are trying to get knocked up. So they put him on some pills that are supposed to help his body produce more testosterone. And they are going to do a semen analysis. He'll drop off his, erm, stuff, on Tuesday. And then two weeks after that he'll drop off another sample. And then again two weeks after that. So we'll see what that has to tell us. He has to have blood work done in about 4 weeks, to make sure that the medication he's taking isn't doing too much. It takes almost 3 months for the meds to take full effect, so we're on hold until it gets all taken care of.

I'm hoping for good news, because it just feels sometimes like I'm being slapped in the face with all of this. Ya know, I'm almost 29, I'm married to the love of my life, I have a job and a stable life, and I can't get and stay pregnant. And then you have all these skanky crack-whore teenagers getting themselves knocked up and becoming reality TV stars, having their kids taken away. It just doesn't seem right.

I asked him what it was that he was taking..

Clomid. (hahaha).

Just a Note

Dear Angel,

We were supposed to meet you today. I know your entrance would have been an awesome event. I know you would have been a rock star from the first moment you were here. Its amazing how much I miss you, even though we never got to meet face to face. Every day I think about you. Every day I'm sad that we lost you so soon, but at the same time, I'm so thankful that you were with me, even for just a little bit. You taught me what real joy feels like. For a little while, my life was perfect, because of you. Thank you.

Its been a long and hard time since you've been gone, but I know that I'm getting stronger every day. I know that you're up there with God. He knows that I'm not mad at Him for bringing you to him so soon, He needed you more than we did. And your daddy and I hope to give you a little brother or sister sometime, and I know that you'll watch out over us all every day.

I think your purpose was to save me. You saved me from the dispair and failing faith I had. And now that I know that, I won't let my faith fail again. It would let you and God down.

I love you.

Mommy

The Post In Which I Apologize

As I get closer to what was my estimated due date, I can't help but think about what I should be doing right now.. What I should be feeling. Today, November 6th, I should be 39 weeks and 2 days. Almost to the end of the forty week journey. My cookie should almost be done.

I'm sure I'd be on the wrong side of comfortable. I'd be wondering if every twitch and twang was the "it". I'd have my bag packed and plan of attacked written and posted. Maybe I'd be making any finishing touches on the nursery. And probably refolding blankets and stuff.

But I'm not.

For the most part, I've made peace with the situation. It sucks, bad. But it is what it is.. Sure, I have moments of weakness, and I still have some "why" moments, but who wouldn't?

I see all the casino and car sales commercials boasting how 11/11/11 will be a great day for a sale and the luckiest day of the year. For me, its the date that should have been the happiest day of my life. Now its just a constant reminder of what I don't have to look forward to.

My feelings and emotions have hurt others in the past, so I do try my hardest to keep them in check. I'm taking this time to apologize in advance. This week could be hard on me, and while I'll try my best to keep myself under control, I can't make any promises. It'd be awesome if no one held my feelings and reactions against me. Just bear with me, I won't always be this way.

The Post Where I Sound Really Whiney and Selfish..

So you're forewarned, no bitching about it later.

Apparently, at some point, I did something to really piss the universe off. Maybe I called its mom a whore, maybe I cut it off in morning traffic. I'm not sure of the action, but I'm damn sure of the result.

The universe is shitting on me. Since April, its just felt like a non-stop shit storm.

Sounds pleasant, huh?

First we lost our baby. It took a toll. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Add on daily severe migraines, which leads to not having any money. Always worrying when I get sick if its going to keep us from being able to pay our bills just makes things worse. And its a constant worry.

I rescheduled my sinus surgery to get rid of the chronic staph infection. The surgery went well, it hurt, a lot, but things were looking good.

Until the third, and what was supposed to be final, post-op visit. They were going to go in, make sure it was a clean and shiny in there. And it was.. And then she says to the PA student shadowing her "Come over here and take a look at this. See that right there? That shouldn't be there." Cue the panic. Turns out, that in the two weeks since my previous visit, I've managed to grow a cyst/polyp almost the size of a golf ball in my sphenoid sinus cavity. The very same cavity that they just surgeried.

What. The. Frick.

Seriously. How does something grow from nothing to a golf ball in two weeks? And WHY is anything growing in there, they JUST cleaned it all out, scraped and drilled and cleaned!

Treatment for now: MORE antibiotics and MORE steroids. I have to get an allergy scratch test done in a couple weeks. Its a long shot, but theres a chance that even though I don't get allergy symptoms like runny nose and sneezing, maybe I have a lot of allergies, causing more mucus and inflammation way up in there. Maybe. Then I will see the doctor and hope that its gone down in size (or away!). Who knows.

So I've been dealing with that. And the mega non-migraine headaches that go along with it. Just waiting.

Waiting for things to get better, or to get worse.

And then they got worse.

I was in a car wreck, while driving my mom's car back to her house. It wasn't my fault, the other guy hit me in the side. He's okay. I'm okay. Physically. I'm in a LOT of pain, where my seat belt held me in my seat. And my neck hurts.

Mentally and emotionally, I'm a mess. I feel beaten down and broken. I don't know how to pull myself up out of this hole I'm in. I need a break from the bad. I need the universe to pick on someone else for a while.

Please?

Life Part 2: Who I Want to Be

I've been thinking a lot about who I want to be. Sometimes, I'm so tired of being me that it brings me to tears. And then I'm mad at myself for crying over something so silly, ya know?

I want to be strong. Emotionally, Mentally, and Physically.

I want to be smarter. I want to be smart enough to know what people mean, instead of just what they say.

I want to be a mom. So bad, it hurts. Daily.

I want to have thicker skin. I don't want to feel every single wound, whether it was done purposely or not.

I want to be able to express myself accurately, without so much emotion. I want people to understand why I feel the way I feel, then maybe they would think twice in the future.

I want to be able to use my creativity in everything I do.

I want to be motivated, and have the determination to finish everything that I start.

Mostly, I want to be the best wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, grand-daughter, friend, co-worker and mom that I can be.

Life Part 1: Who I Am

This morning I woke up, after having a semi-broken heart for the past few days. I didn't get out of bed right away, I just laid there. Thinking about life. Thats not really new to me, I think all the time. I think too much. I'm inside my head too much.

Life Part 1: Who I Am

I'm a wife, a daughter, a big sister, an aunt, a cousin, a niece, a grand-daughter, a best friend, a co-worker, an almost mom.

I'm a migraine warrior.

I have a lack of fertility.

I'm a feeler. I feel things too deeply sometimes. I take things too much to heart. But that happens because I put my all into everything that I do.

I'm thoughtful. Sometimes to my own detriment, as most people are not as thoughtful towards me as I am. I end up with hurt feelings most of the time.

I'm an artist.

I'm a music lover. Music speaks directly to my heart and soul. Music can perfectly match my mood, it can bring me out of a funk, it can help me relax.

I'm a dweller. I dwell on the past. Whether its ancient history, or a hurt I felt yesterday. I have a hard time healing from wounds.

I'm friendly. To a fault. I don't always remember that not everyone is like me. So I've picked the wrong people to befriend more than a few times, and I've ended up burned.

I'm funny, a good cook, an awesome laugher, and I'm great at hanging out.

These are all the things that I know that I am.

But, I've recently learned that I am something that I never wanted to be. I'm apparently such a mess, that everyone has to walk on eggshells around me. People are afraid to say things, either to me, or where I might see them, because of how I might react. I don't recall ever going completely insane over something that someone said. Sure, I've had hurt feelings, but doesn't everybody?  I've never wanted anyone to have to censor themselves because of me, and to find out that they all have to.. well. It hurts.

I don't think that they should have to do that. I never asked them to. In fact, I've said it more than a few times that I don't want that. They do it on their own, and then blame me for it. Say what you want to say. I want you to be you. I want you to be able to say anything. And if I do get upset, let me get upset. I'll be over it soon. Have respect for my feelings, let me feel them for as long as I need to. And just as I want you to express your opinion, I want you to want me to express mine. Just because they might differ doens't mean we can't still be friends.