Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Space Pants and the Security Creeper

This past weekend, my sister and I went to see My Favorite Murder live at the Majestic in Dallas TX. It was fantastic.
 
 
This is not the story of how great the show was.
 
This is the story of how we were almost murdered before we even got to the "Stay Sexy Don't Get Murdered" show. And, like so many bad things in life do.. it started at a McDonalds. A McDonalds in the heart of downtown Dallas.
 
When we walked in, the first thing I noticed was that this McDonalds had its own security guy. That probably should have been a red flag. He was keeping transients and the like from the bathrooms and whatnot.
 
The second thing I noticed was a tweeky guy wearing leggings with outer space on them, shorts over those, bright yellow socks, and a hoodie. So Space Pants kept kinda hovering around our table, making me anxious. The security guy would send him out, and tell him to get away from the doors. Then he'd come back in the other door and start over. He was sitting at the table behind us at one point, and so I mentioned to my sister that if he was still around when we needed to leave, we'd ask the security guy to walk us to the car.
 
Space Pants:
 
 
Finally, Space Pants left to the other side of the room, so Jenny and I went to leave, quickly before he came back.
 
And then the security guy turned out to be a creeper.
 
I KNOW!!!
 
He goes "Ya'll both so sexy, I don't even think I could choose between you two!"
 
Um, good news dude, you don't have to choose, because you don't get the choice.
 
He kept on with those type of comments, completely out of nowhere and totally uncomfortable. When we finally managed to get out of the restaurant, we booked it to the car. Only to see the security guy coming out of the door. We got the eff outta there.
 
Upon reflection, we realized that perhaps we hadn't been smart about this whole trip. We were down there by ourselves, without any kind of self-defense items. No pepper spray, Taser, weapon to fend of creepers at all.
 
But thank goodness, we definitely did Stay Sexy (as our creeper security guy mentioned repeatedly), and didn't get murdered.
 
SSDGM!   

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Close Call

Ya’ll. This morning I was involved in a very serious battle. A duel you might call it. Because there were two of us.
 
Me.
 
And the spider the size of an acromantula.
 
 
I KNOW!
 
It. Was. Terrifying.
 
He gave me threatening looks. He shook is EIGHT legs at me from the ceiling of my shower.
 
MY SHOWER! Where I go to get clean! It’s now a battleground.
 
I tried to call for reinforcements. Troops to help me in my endeavor to stay alive, and save the bathroom from the enemy. I TRIED! But they never showed up.
 
I did things I'm not proud of (this may or may not include throwing every bottle in my shower in the general direction of the monster, to no avail).
 
But it was a battle of epic proportions.
 
In the end.. I reigned victorious.
 
And then I was running late.
 
I have accurately illustrated so that you may truly know what I was up against. This is clearly proportionate.
 
 

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Story Time

I need to tell you about the fight I had last night with my freezer.

 

Don’t you worry, it wasn’t physical. It was verbal. And honestly, I think it won.

 

So, before we get too far, there’s a backstory that I need to explain.

 

My fridge hates me.

 

Oh? You need more than that? Sure, sure.

 

My fridge hates me. You know how you kinda push the fridge/freezer door shut like while you’re walking away? It’s such a common act, it’s strange to think about. But everyone does it, like exactly the same way. Except for me apparently. At LEAST every other day (or hell, every other time I get into the fridge), the door doesn’t actually close when I push it. I know what you’re thinking.. Sharon, obviously, you have too many things in the door, it’s too heavy to just be pushed like that. Well, to that I say, shush your face. There’s barely anything in our doors. For that exact reason. Your second thought it’s probably something along the lines of.. Well then Sharon, you’re clearly not pushing it hard enough. Put to some muscle into it man.. er.. girl! And to that I say.. I will not! I push it the same every time, and every other time, it closes.

 

So, as you can now see.. My fridge hates me.

 

So back to our fight last night. It actually starts in the mid-afternoon time frame, I just didn’t know. The husband left around 3-4ish. Shortly after he left, I got up to get a popsicle (Outshine Grape Popsicles FTW!). I took my popsicle back to bed with me, and went back to sleep after I finished it. Migraine drugs, yo! I kept hearing strange noises, but it was getting dark, and I was alone, so that’s not that strange for me. I can talk myself into hearing all kinds of things. The husband wasn’t home yet when I went out to get a drink, about 9pm.

 

And the fight began.

 

Turns out, that in my earlier visit to the freezer.. the door didn’t close all the way. As in, it was at least half way open. Apparently for hours.

 

Sharon, why didn’t you notice the door was open!

 

Again, I tell you.. Migraine drugs, yo!

 

My freezer was full of water. And grape juice, as my popsicles had melted half way gone. It was very pretty. A nice fuchsia clear swirl color. Ice had melted. My popsicles were ruined. But the food was all still plenty cold enough. I’m not too proud to say that I was full on cussing out the freezer, as I used MANY towels to soak up the fuchsia water that was about an inch deep. I had to get rid of all of the ice we had, because it had melted and was stuck together. If you’re like me, the panic of having no ice is setting in right now. Turns out the strange noises I was hearing was the ice maker dropping ice, but there was nothing to muffle the noise like usual. Because. My. Fridge. Hates. Me.

 

The floor was all wet, where the water was running onto it. I just threw a towel down on that one, I’d already spent too damn long trying to get this cleaned up.

 

I’m not convince I won the argument, it seemed to get the last word in.. In the form of me having to throw away my beloved grape popsicles.

 

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Notes On Insomnia

10:47pm: Oh good. I was worried that I'd accidently sleep through the night.
 
I need to clean my ceiling fan.
 
Awake.
 
Awake.
 
Awake.
 
12:04am: Why did they change the line up! Why isn't Psych on anymore? Gah.
 
Maybe I'll read til I'm falling asleep again.
 
12:30am: Sleep. Glorious Sleep.
 
3:23am: Hey I'm awake again!
 
3:24am: Why is my husband lecturing me about how much he hates debit cards with a chip versus the regular ones that you just swipe? And my goodness how long has he thought about this?
 
Seriously.
 
Awake.
 
Awake.
 
5:02am: I'll read until it’s time to get up I guess.
 
5:31am: I'm so tired.
 
And then I got up and ready for work.
 
 

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Book Abuser


Hi!
 
I hope you’re well. It’s been a rough few days.. weeks.. months.. year? It’s been a rough. But I’m alive and here today.
 
 
Okay, so I’ve been reading a ton of Harry Potter fan-fiction lately, lol, because I’m a grown up and can do that if I want. This came up the other day in one of the stories, and I promise you I had heart palpitations.
 
 
WHYYYYYYY???????? Why is he dog earing a PAGE IN A BOOK! Is he really a monster?! DRACO! Use a book mark like a normal human being! You’re hurting the pages!
 
*This rant brought to you by a certified nerd who HATES when people abuse books. And hates bent paper of any kind.*
 
 

Friday, September 30, 2016

Cats.

If you know me, you know I name everything. My iPods (Pete and Little Pet), my car (Sirius Black), you know, everything. If I could rename Siri on my phone, he'd be Tom Hiddleston, because I've changed the voice to a lovely British male voice (Because, duh!). So if you know me, you also know that I hate cats, and they hate me. just ask them. They talk in their cat network about it. A lot. But.. If I was forced to have a cat, its name would be Alex P. Catten. 

 

The thought train that lead to this epiphany this morning while I was putting on my eyeliner..

 

1. I was thinking about a trick I read about doing a Cat-eye technique. They always make it look so easy.

 

2. Who am I kidding, it’s never that easy.

 

3. I'm running way too late to even attempt a Cat-eye look today.

 

4. Strange how I love Cat-eye looks, but really don't like cats.

 

5. But ya know, cats don't like me either.

 

6. Just ask them, they'll tell you.

 

7. OMG, what if I had to have a cat.

 

8. He'd HAVE to have a great name.

 

9. He? What if it’s a girl cat. I'd need a unisex name.

 

10. Obviously it'd have to be Alex P. Catten.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Thoughts I Have..

When I see a woman putting make-up on while driving in the car (starting from the beginning):

 

·         Gee, thanks for cutting me off!

 

·         Now how about you step on the effing gas!

 

·         OMG, GO!

 

·         Whoa there lady, stay in your lane!

 

·         What are you even doing right now?!

 

·         You're giving women drivers everywhere a bad name.

 

·         Fine, eff this, consider yourself passed.

 

·         (As I'm passing).. Oh of freaking course, your putting on your make up.

 

·         Seriously?

 

·         SERIOUSLY? LIKE FOUNDATION?!

 

·         OMG. I can't even.

 

·         WHOA THERE LADY! STAY IN YOUR EFFING LANE!

 

·         I swear to you, if you hit me, I will come unglued on you beyond your craziest nightmares. You've never seen my crazy!

 

·         Gah, chicks are the worst.

 

·         Oh great, please, move behind me!

 

·         Yes, morning traffic on the highway seems like the perfect time to apply your mascara!

 

·         OMG, they are braking in front of us, please pay attention.

 

·         PAY ATTENTION!

 

·         I dislike you so much right now.

 

·         Your make up won't even look good you twit! I'm offended as a make-up addict right now!

 

·         Seriously, you're making women everywhere look so bad.

 

My life this morning on the drive to work.