Saturday, August 4, 2012
When last we really spoke (you know what I mean), my husband was fixing his low testosterone, and getting everything checked out. You'll be glad to know that he's all fixed up, and we are on the TTC train again. What does that mean? It means that I'm back to temping, charting, monitoring everything. Metformin and Clomid. Hormones, emotions, stress.. and hope.
Scary thing, hope is.
I pray that my hope is not in vain, and it will pay off for me sometime sooner rather than later. I pray that I can keep my sanity (and maybe my sense of humor?) during this length of the journey. I pray that if it does happen for us, that its goes all the way for us, I don't know that I could come back from the depths of despair again. I pray that my friends and family have patience with me, that they try to keep my feelings and past/present situations in mind before judging me for outward reactions to things. I pray for the strength to make it through this. And mostly, I pray that none of my family or friends ever have to pray for these same things for themselves. I don't wish infertility on anyone. Ever. The hard part should be deciding that you're ready to be a parent, not actually becoming one.
I ran across a quote that has stuck with me the past few months..
"The world may be broken, but hope is not crazy." - John Green
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
As of this evening, I'm 13 days late. And according to the stick I peed in this morning, theres no good reason for this tardiness.
I didn't have high hopes that this was THE cycle, but every day that went by without surfing the crimson wave, my hope creeped up. I let myself start to think about the excitement I'd feel if it was a positive test. I let myself mentally list off what I'd need to do, call the doctor, get blood wish done, etc. I let myself consider who I'd tell during the first few weeks.
I let myself hope.
Oh I tried to tell myself that I wasn't hopeful, that it wouldn't be a big deal if I wasn't.
Turns out I'm a liar.
Its strange how the same disappointment and hurt month after month seems to sting a little more each time. The sting in the eyes trying to hold back tears. The sting in my throat when I had to tell my husband it was negative. The sting in my heart as I threw another pee stick away.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Most of last year, I was broken. So deep that I wasn't sure I'd ever feel normal again. I know thats common after loss. It took some time, but I did eventually pull myself out of the hole I was in. I finally got to a point, emotionally and mentally, where I was ready to start trying to conceive again. I made an appointment with my doctor, and went over all of my questions and concerns. He gave me the green light, and told me that he didn't think it would take long. Now that my body knows what is supposed to happen, it might work a little better this time around.
Our plan was to try naturally for 4 cycles. If we weren't pregnant in that time, I would start taking the medication again and try for another 4 cycles. Or if I didn't get a positive OPK in the first 2 cycles, I would start the medicine.
I was feeling good about it. I had a positive outlook, knew that 2012 would be our year to have our little teacup human.
And then my husband came home one day after work and told me that he made a doctor's appointment. "Why", I asked. He tells me that he's been having issues for a little while, and he wants to get them checked out. The doctor tells us that he has an infection, either in the prostate or the bladder. And that he has pretty low testosterone.
Really? Didn't see that coming. He was referred to a urologist, to get some more blood work done. The newest blood work showed that his testosterone was really low, and they can't treat it how they want since we are trying to get knocked up. So they put him on some pills that are supposed to help his body produce more testosterone. And they are going to do a semen analysis. He'll drop off his, erm, stuff, on Tuesday. And then two weeks after that he'll drop off another sample. And then again two weeks after that. So we'll see what that has to tell us. He has to have blood work done in about 4 weeks, to make sure that the medication he's taking isn't doing too much. It takes almost 3 months for the meds to take full effect, so we're on hold until it gets all taken care of.
I'm hoping for good news, because it just feels sometimes like I'm being slapped in the face with all of this. Ya know, I'm almost 29, I'm married to the love of my life, I have a job and a stable life, and I can't get and stay pregnant. And then you have all these skanky crack-whore teenagers getting themselves knocked up and becoming reality TV stars, having their kids taken away. It just doesn't seem right.
I asked him what it was that he was taking..
Friday, November 11, 2011
We were supposed to meet you today. I know your entrance would have been an awesome event. I know you would have been a rock star from the first moment you were here. Its amazing how much I miss you, even though we never got to meet face to face. Every day I think about you. Every day I'm sad that we lost you so soon, but at the same time, I'm so thankful that you were with me, even for just a little bit. You taught me what real joy feels like. For a little while, my life was perfect, because of you. Thank you.
Its been a long and hard time since you've been gone, but I know that I'm getting stronger every day. I know that you're up there with God. He knows that I'm not mad at Him for bringing you to him so soon, He needed you more than we did. And your daddy and I hope to give you a little brother or sister sometime, and I know that you'll watch out over us all every day.
I think your purpose was to save me. You saved me from the dispair and failing faith I had. And now that I know that, I won't let my faith fail again. It would let you and God down.
I love you.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
I'm sure I'd be on the wrong side of comfortable. I'd be wondering if every twitch and twang was the "it". I'd have my bag packed and plan of attacked written and posted. Maybe I'd be making any finishing touches on the nursery. And probably refolding blankets and stuff.
But I'm not.
For the most part, I've made peace with the situation. It sucks, bad. But it is what it is.. Sure, I have moments of weakness, and I still have some "why" moments, but who wouldn't?
I see all the casino and car sales commercials boasting how 11/11/11 will be a great day for a sale and the luckiest day of the year. For me, its the date that should have been the happiest day of my life. Now its just a constant reminder of what I don't have to look forward to.
My feelings and emotions have hurt others in the past, so I do try my hardest to keep them in check. I'm taking this time to apologize in advance. This week could be hard on me, and while I'll try my best to keep myself under control, I can't make any promises. It'd be awesome if no one held my feelings and reactions against me. Just bear with me, I won't always be this way.