Baby Makin'

I don't usually go into a lot of detail on my blog about my husband and I trying to get pregnant, if any detail at all. In fact, I didn't tell anyone about it really til just a couple of months ago. That is mostly because when people find out that you are trying, you get the "are you pregnant yet?" question a lot more than usual. And being a newly wed, we get that question enough as it is. If you know me, then you know I've pretty much constantly had problems with my ovaries, if you don't know me, check out this post for a little info. When I was 17, 18, 21, etc.. the possibility of not being able to conceive naturally, or at least not easily wasn't a big deal for me. I wasn't even sure I wanted kids at that time (well, maybe deep down I knew..). But that all changed when Dallas and I started getting serious. When you can see yourself settling down with a man and getting married, starting a family doesnt take long to jump into your brain. I, of course, sat down and explained everything that had happened, and my concerns about what the future might (or might not) hold. I didn't want him to be disappointed if we come to find out that having a baby just wasn't in the cards for me. He assures me that he won't be.

I would be though. I can't even describe the devastation I would feel if that came about.

I stopped taking birth control in September of 2008, for two reasons, to hopefully help my migraines, and to get my body ready to conceive. After about 4 months, we started actively "trying". I didnt have a sex calendar or anything, but I was keeping close track, marking down days, taking temperature, etc. Nothing. I didn't panic, it had only been a couple months. But at the beginning of the year, I developed another cyst on my one remaining ovary. Then I did panic mildly. I had surgery to have it removed, but when they got in there, it wasn't there. Something about adhesions.  My doctor told me that everything looked good inside, and he didn't foresee any real problems conceiving, but we'd have to watch. And the watching began. The counting days, the marking calendars. Nothing happened. My periods were crazy.

When I went in for my annual appointment, I asked all my questions, inquired about the medications I was taking, all that jazz. He told me that if after a couple more months of trying, we still weren't pregnant, give him a call and he would run some tests, see what was going on. But after a couple months, I had another cyst on my ovary. It hurt, all the time, so having sex wasn't really first on my list of things to do! For about two months I waited it out, the pain started to get a little better, and an ultrasound showed it was going away. Thank goodness! My doctor told me to start ovulation tests for a month, starting on day 17 of my cycle all the way through day 28 (crazy cycles I tell you!). And I did. Nothing on the first month. I started testing they day after my period on the second month. Nothing. No LH surge. For two months. My doctor told  me that if I didn't get that surge to show that I was going to ovulate to give him a call and he'd check it out and "get me pregnant" (I love my doctor, seriously LOL). So that is where I am now.

I've tapered off all my medications (for my migraines and anxiety). I've been taking prenatal vitamins for over a year. I keep a calendar of everything.

I've heard all the advice, and I'm sure that it's all good advice, but anyone who has tried to get pregnant knows that it's not easy to not think about it. Especially when I feel there is a time limit quickly running down on my ovary. There is so much that can affect your ovulation, I worry that everything I do might cause it to not work right. I worry that maybe this is just how its going to be, maybe my insides are broken. Maybe its God's way of telling me that having a baby just isn't in his plan for me. And once I get to worrying about anything, it all takes over. I start worrying about if I do have a baby, will I be a bad mother? How can I take care of a baby if I have a migraine when I can't take care of myself? Am I being selfish in wanting a baby when migraines are a hereditary disease?

It feels good to get this all out and on paper (so to speak), if I'm upset because I started my period, if I'm up all night with things on my mind, if I cry when I found out my sister-in-law is pregnant, it's because I'm having a rough time. Mothers should tell their daughters that when they grow up and want to have a baby, it's not going to be easy. But in a way not to scare them of course.. LOL.