Story Time

I need to tell you about the fight I had last night with my freezer.

Don’t you worry, it wasn’t physical. It was verbal. And honestly, I think it won.

So, before we get too far, there’s a backstory that I need to explain.

My fridge hates me.

Oh? You need more than that? Sure, sure.

My fridge hates me. You know how you kinda push the fridge/freezer door shut like while you’re walking away? It’s such a common act, it’s strange to think about. But everyone does it, like exactly the same way. Except for me apparently. At LEAST every other day (or hell, every other time I get into the fridge), the door doesn’t actually close when I push it. I know what you’re thinking.. Sharon, obviously, you have too many things in the door, it’s too heavy to just be pushed like that. Well, to that I say, shush your face. There’s barely anything in our doors. For that exact reason. Your second thought it’s probably something along the lines of.. Well then Sharon, you’re clearly not pushing it hard enough. Put to some muscle into it man.. er.. girl! And to that I say.. I will not! I push it the same every time, and every other time, it closes.

So, as you can now see.. My fridge hates me.

So back to our fight last night. It actually starts in the mid-afternoon time frame, I just didn’t know. The husband left around 3-4ish. Shortly after he left, I got up to get a popsicle (Outshine Grape Popsicles FTW!). I took my popsicle back to bed with me, and went back to sleep after I finished it. Migraine drugs, yo! I kept hearing strange noises, but it was getting dark, and I was alone, so that’s not that strange for me. I can talk myself into hearing all kinds of things. The husband wasn’t home yet when I went out to get a drink, about 9pm.

And the fight began.

Turns out, that in my earlier visit to the freezer.. the door didn’t close all the way. As in, it was at least half way open. Apparently for hours.

Sharon, why didn’t you notice the door was open!

Again, I tell you.. Migraine drugs, yo!

My freezer was full of water. And grape juice, as my popsicles had melted half way gone. It was very pretty. A nice fuchsia clear swirl color. Ice had melted. My popsicles were ruined. But the food was all still plenty cold enough. I’m not too proud to say that I was full on cussing out the freezer, as I used MANY towels to soak up the fuchsia water that was about an inch deep. I had to get rid of all of the ice we had, because it had melted and was stuck together. If you’re like me, the panic of having no ice is setting in right now. Turns out the strange noises I was hearing was the ice maker dropping ice, but there was nothing to muffle the noise like usual. Because. My. Fridge. Hates. Me.

The floor was all wet, where the water was running onto it. I just threw a towel down on that one, I’d already spent too damn long trying to get this cleaned up.

I’m not convince I won the argument, it seemed to get the last word in.. In the form of me having to throw away my beloved grape popsicles.

The Post Where I Sound Really Whiney and Selfish..

So you're forewarned, no bitching about it later.

Apparently, at some point, I did something to really piss the universe off. Maybe I called its mom a whore, maybe I cut it off in morning traffic. I'm not sure of the action, but I'm damn sure of the result.

The universe is shitting on me. Since April, its just felt like a non-stop shit storm.

Sounds pleasant, huh?

First we lost our baby. It took a toll. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Add on daily severe migraines, which leads to not having any money. Always worrying when I get sick if its going to keep us from being able to pay our bills just makes things worse. And its a constant worry.

I rescheduled my sinus surgery to get rid of the chronic staph infection. The surgery went well, it hurt, a lot, but things were looking good.

Until the third, and what was supposed to be final, post-op visit. They were going to go in, make sure it was a clean and shiny in there. And it was.. And then she says to the PA student shadowing her "Come over here and take a look at this. See that right there? That shouldn't be there." Cue the panic. Turns out, that in the two weeks since my previous visit, I've managed to grow a cyst/polyp almost the size of a golf ball in my sphenoid sinus cavity. The very same cavity that they just surgeried.

What. The. Frick.

Seriously. How does something grow from nothing to a golf ball in two weeks? And WHY is anything growing in there, they JUST cleaned it all out, scraped and drilled and cleaned!

Treatment for now: MORE antibiotics and MORE steroids. I have to get an allergy scratch test done in a couple weeks. Its a long shot, but theres a chance that even though I don't get allergy symptoms like runny nose and sneezing, maybe I have a lot of allergies, causing more mucus and inflammation way up in there. Maybe. Then I will see the doctor and hope that its gone down in size (or away!). Who knows.

So I've been dealing with that. And the mega non-migraine headaches that go along with it. Just waiting.

Waiting for things to get better, or to get worse.

And then they got worse.

I was in a car wreck, while driving my mom's car back to her house. It wasn't my fault, the other guy hit me in the side. He's okay. I'm okay. Physically. I'm in a LOT of pain, where my seat belt held me in my seat. And my neck hurts.

Mentally and emotionally, I'm a mess. I feel beaten down and broken. I don't know how to pull myself up out of this hole I'm in. I need a break from the bad. I need the universe to pick on someone else for a while.

Please?

February 2011 Headache & Migraine Blog Carnival

The theme for this month's carnival is "Romantic Relationships & Migraines: How are they affected? Is is possible to build a new one? Does anything about living with a chronic condition bring you closer?." I've actually thought a LOT about this in my life. I'm lucky enough to be married to the most understanding man I have ever met. Before him, any guy I was even kind of serious about would blow me off when I had a migraine. And when you get migraines as often as I do, that's a lot of being ignored. I don't blame them for it, if I could ignore me when my head hurts, I would.

I remember when I first started dating my husband, it hadn't even occurred to me to tell him about my headaches. My sister called me the day after our first date and asked me, "Did you tell him that you get really bad migraines?"

What? Why would I tell him that? Nothing says "blossoming romance" like "Hey, by the way, I get debilitating migraines that make me puke a WHOLE bunch!".

I did have to tell him eventually, after I was sure this would be someone worth explaining it to. Trying to describe the pain and complete ickiness of severe migraines to someone who's never experienced them is not an easy task. I tried to prepare him, but when the first one of our relationship hit, I could see the shock in his face. I could feel the disappointment that I had to cancel plans and go to bed. I could see the worry in his eyes about whether or not this is normal.

It was hard building a new relationship with this disease, having to cancel fun plans, having to worry about when the next one will hit, having to worry about doing something that would trigger one. I could tell that he was a keeper when he started worrying about all this stuff with me, instead of just going on without me.

We've been married about 2 1/2 years, migraines seems to be getting worse, not better, but we're stronger than we were. He gets on to me when I don't take immediate care of myself when I should. Now, before him, I never really gave a thought to the sexy time aspect of my migraines. Now, its like a constant battle between the two. When I don't have a headache, I want sexy time and I want it now. And when I do have a migraine, he wants sexy time. The timing is never perfect. Letting go of the control I need to have long enough to have a good time is hard for me. I'm afraid that if I have too good a sexy time, it'll trigger a headache (been there, done that!). Added on to that is the fact that we've been actively trying to get pregnant, the pressure to get it on is enormous. I think "if I don't do it now, will I miss my chance for this month?!", he thinks "Mmm, ta-tas".. Okay, I'm sure he has deeper thoughts than that, but those are the ones he vocalizes.

The most important thing I've learned trying to juggle life, my marriage, and my life is to communicate. This disease forces us to talk more, because sometimes that's all I'm able to do. Just because I can't physically show him how much I love and want him doesn't mean I can't tell him how much I do. It takes a special person to commit to taking care of someone chronically ill, and to be able to keep the romance, lust and desire as strong as the love. And I know that in the long run, our love will keep growing stronger because we are in it together. I count my blessings daily that I found such a special person who doesn't leave me behind just because I'm sick.

Fix Me, Doctor, Please!

First neurologist appointment of the new year. And I'm having some anxiety about it. I feel like I am letting him down. Like he's doing his job, but my body isn't doing it's job. I should be better by now, but I'm not. Well, I guess I'm kind of better and kind of worse. To make things worse, I lost my migraine calendar. Lost it! How does that happen?! So since right after Christmas, I've been using Google Calendar to document my headaches and migraines. It works really well, but I'm missing a couple months of documentation. That makes me feel like a bad patient. On today's discussion agenda:

1. Since about the beginning of December, most days I have a non-migraine headache. Very intense, lasts all day long. Usually the back of my head right above my neck all the way to right about my ear. Advil, Tylenol, etc don't help them at all.

2. Triptans (I take Treximet and Imitrex Injections) work really well on the migraines I get during the day. They don't help with the migraines that I wake up with. I'm thinking its because I miss the beginning of the, because I'm asleep.

3. Urgent Care/ER recommends having some sort of rescue plan, something to try after the triptans don't work, before going somewhere.

4. I'm having sinus surgery hopefully sometime in February, I have chronic staph infection in my sphenoid sinuses, which could be contributing to sinus headaches that maybe flip to migraines.

I am hoping that this doesn't sound like I am seeking drugs, because I want to be high all the time, or because I want to be drugged up every day, because I don't. I just don't want to be in pain every single day of my life. I don't want to have to run up to the Urgent Care because my basic meds never had a chance to work. I don't want to worry all the time about my pain, will my meds work, will I end up having to go somewhere, where I'll worry they think I am faking, or treat me like a drug seeker. I don't want to have to spend more money (25-100 bucks a pop) every time I do have to go somewhere.

Maybe I'm too demanding.

The Months, They Don't Matter, Its the Days I Can't Take

Day 5 of 2011.

Day 3 of this headache.

Day 1 of this cycle.

Could this Wednesday suck any more? Jeez.

The good news about all this? Since its cycle day 1, I can take whatever medicine I need to help with the migraine without worrying. Bring on the Advil, too late for triptans though..

And this afternoon, I have to go get pictures of my nose. Seems strange? Yah, I thought so too. I'm supposed to have surgery on my sinuses this month. The doctor is going to go in and open up my sphenoid cavity completely. There's a bone in there that is like 10 times the size it should be due to chronic infection. Gross. Want to know something even more gross? (Too bad, I'm telling you anyway.) I have a constant river of puss in that cavity. Gag much. And staph infection. Double gag. So we had the surgery all scheduled, and then I get a call from my health insurance saying that it needs to be predetermined. My doctor has to send up the CT pictures, his report, and then actual pictures of my nose (hopefully just outside) to the insurance company. They have to make sure the surgery is based on cosmetic ground.

My nose isn't crooked.

So this shouldn't be a problem.

But you know me, I will worry until they say its all good. Because I can't afford the surgery without it being covered, and I need the surgery, because I can't run around with a staph infection all the time. Especially so close to my brain.

And maybe getting all this fixed will help with some of my migraines.

Doctors Are Bitches

So everyone knows that I get migraines. Severe, debilitating, makes me want to die migraines. Its not new to anyone who knows me. For the past two plus years I've had FMLA for them, because I miss more work than is allowed by my company's attendance policy. But that's the ONLY reason I ever miss work. And when I am at work, I work my ass off to make sure that I get everything I need done.

Its also not new that I've had my fair share of neurologists, because I felt they weren't doing enough to help me, or they told me they couldn't help me, or they were just a dick that left me in tears every time I went to see him. I finally found a neurologist that has promise. He's already had some tests run to try to rule out a reason or trigger for my migraines. I've been seeing him since April or May I guess. Every visit I bring my color coded calendar, so he can see how my migraines have been behaving, we saw some improvement the last time, so I graduated from going every month, to going every two months. That's huge! But its still a significant problem for me.

So time came for me to recertify my FMLA paperwork. I faxed over the forms, and an explanation, and all my info about time missed the past few months so he would have something to go by. His nurse called me to tell me that he would like me to have my primary care physician fill out the paperwork.

Wait, what?

Why would my primary care physician fill out FMLA paperwork about a condition he doesn't treat?

And that's basically what he told me in his letter he mailed to me. He said have your neurologist fill this out, I've only ever seen you twice for migraines, and those were for referrals.

I called the neuro's office this morning, spoke to his nurse, told her that my primary care physician wouldn't fill it out. She said that she would leave a note for my doctor, but if he didn't think that I was at the point where I needed to miss work because of them, he wouldn't fill them out. And if he does fill them out, its a $25 charge.

Why does he get to say whether or not I can miss work because of MY pain? He's seen my calendar and knows how often I get the really bad ones that make me unable to function. Why would he even question my need to miss work when they are like that?

Why do doctor's think its okay to make our lives more stressful than they already are? If it wasn't for us being sick and having to go see them, they wouldn't be able to drive around in their fancy cars or live in their fancy houses. I said before, and I'll say it again, THEY work for US. Yet we're the ones who have to do all the hard work and stress about everything.
I want to fucking scream.

Notes On A Break Down

If you were around Twitter or Facebook on Friday, you know I had a rough night. I am actually finding it helpful to keep up my journal, because I can go back and see how I was feeling. Helps give me some perspective on myself. This is taken word for word from my journal..

July 23, 2010 - Minor break down tonight. Okay, maybe a major break down. Its been coming for a while now. I've felt it building up the past week. The anxiety has been so high, I was feeling it all the way up to my throat. It feels like the past few weeks have just been so full of different emotions, and I haven't had a chance to sit and deal with them. Its all been like back to back to back. The tension inside me is just turning me into one big knot.

I was laying down and Dallas came into the room and asked me what was wrong. I was only kind of crying before, but it seems like when someone asks me whats wrong, or if I'm okay, it turns my emotions higher because then I started sobbing. He's so sweet, he just hugged me for a while and let me cry. He told me that I didn't have to keep it all in, I didn't have to be strong all the time. And I could cry on his shoulder anytime. And I know that I can, but sometimes, crying by myself is okay with me.

Mostly, right now, I'm tired of struggling for everything. EVERYTHING. I struggle just to be normal, and it doesn't even work. And I know that everyone has their problems, and mine are small compared to a lot of other people. I feel guilty for being upset. I do know how lucky I am to have what I have. But every day is a constant struggle for me. I struggle with my head, always in fear of doing something, or doing nothing, to make it explode. Almost every day I am in moderate to severe pain. The every day pain, worry, fear, tension of it all wears me down. Its mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I can't take it another day.

On top of that, the fertility (or lack there of) issue weighs on me. Twenty-one months we've been trying to get pregnant. And I try to smile and be optimistic, because I know that no matter what we do, it all happens on God's time, not mine. But I feel like a failure. I've failed at making Dallas a dad, I've failed at making my mom, Celia, and Steve grandparents. I've failed at making myself a mom. Thank goodness that Heather is making Jenny an aunt, so I'm not failing so much at that.

I'm a big emotional, stressed out, exhausted, sick of myself failure. Go me.

Its Only Thursday

Wow. This has been a semi-awful week so far. But I feel like I've got a lot done..

Monday I was so sick with a migraine, it was horrible. I called my doctor and got in to see him, he gave me a shot and sent me home to rest. Luckily it helped enough for me to be able to function so I could go get the CT scan on my sinuses that afternoon. I was very impressed with the facility where I got the CT done. After going the family medicine building across the street (which made me feel dirty, and it smelled like disease), and their TWO scheduling screw ups, I was nervous about going.

Then when I get home from the CT about 4:30 in the afternoon,  I walk up to my apartment only to find that they have just painted concrete outside my door. It had probably been sitting there maybe 10 minutes, so it was still super sticky. I wasn't going to just sit and wait for it to dry, I figured I could just hurry up and run to my door, get in, and all would be good. I figured wrong. My flip flops got stuck in the paint, so when I took another step, my foot went, but the shoe didn't. So then I'm barefoot on this wet sticky paint. Grrr. I finally got my door unlocked and open, but I can't just walk in with my paint feet, so I take off my jacket and try to wipe all the paint off so I can get into the tub and scrub them clean. And then I remembered that my shoes were still out there stuck in the paint. Seriously. Who's bright effing idea was it to paint outside everyone's door at 4:30 in the afternoon. That is when the majority of people are getting home from work. After that I slept for a couple hours, until I got a knock on the door.

I left my keys in my door. How nice of my neighbor's kid to tell me that. How nice that no one stole my keys and then my car.

Tuesday my head still hurt. Shocker right? My doctor's nurse called me to tell me the results of my CT, or more correctly, she called to tell me basically nothing. "You have chronic sphenoid sinusitus which may require surgery. But that's all his notes say." Gee. Thanks for nothing. I also got all of my charts to Jeffrey Tambor on Tuesday so he can decide if he will add Clomid or Femara this month. Lets make a baby! I'm still waiting to hear back from him. I'll give him 'til after lunch..

Yesterday was the big day. New neurologist day. I get so nervous going to see new doctors. I'm afraid they are going to make me feel stupid, make me feel like a big baby, or make me feel like its all in my head. I've had plenty of them talk to me like I'm an idiot because I didn't go to medical school. Well duh I didn't go to medical school, if I did, I wouldn't have to spend all my money to go see these jokers, who never help me. This guy is different. Dr. Everythingsgonnabealright gives me hope. HOPE. Seriously. Its been a long time since I've had hope about my headaches. We talked about the stuff that I've tried that  hasn't worked, he did lecture me about not taking the tryptans RIGHT away when I feel a migraine coming on (but seriously, when I only get 9 pills per month, if I take them right when I feel it, I'd be out of pills after a week). But I will try. He gave me a short term game plan. And we all know I always feel better with a plan!

- Amitriptyline as a preventive, taken at night since it will make me sleepy. It should help prevent the migraines, and help me sleep at night. Two birds, one pill. I LIKE IT!
- Treximet at the first sign of a migraine, pause whatever I am doing, take it, and then continue. If I wait til its a full migraine, I've already lost the battle.
- Midrin if the Treximet doesn't help, and I can take up to 4 per day if I need.
- After a month, if there's no difference in my headaches, especially me waking up with one, he's going to order a sleep study, and put me in the hospital for at least 3 days with a DHE IV going 24 hours. That should stop the cycle.

And he gave me samples of Treximet, a coupon for 25-50 dollars off the Treximet, and a sucker. He spoke to me and my mother like we were actual people. He looked us in the eye, held a converstaion, answered questions. The nurse was really nice, she came to check on me while I was checking out, to make sure everything went okay. All in all, I'm impressed with Dr. Everythingsgonnabealright, and I think that this could be the start of good things.

Because I'm a Freaker Outer

Back when I was in highschool, and I was so sick all the time, I had sinus surgery because I had a cyst filling up my entire sphenoid sinus cavity. I think the doctor (Dr. Jerk-off) actually said it was impressive. Who says that? I guess weird doctors who get excited about weird things. They had to go up my nose and drain the cyst out and do whatever it is that they did. Then they packed my nose full of the teflon coated gauze stuff, and it hurt. And I bled from my eye balls. Seriously.

Dr. Jerk-off told me that I would never be able to have kids if I couldn't handle the pain of him shoving stuff up my nose and ripping it out. My mom says that after that, I didn't have any really bad migraines for a couple of years. So at the doctor last time, I had mentioned this, and how I always have sinus issues, and he decided to do a CT Scan of my sinuses to make sure they are all good.

And this has me freaked out.

On one hand, I don't want them to find anything! I don't know if I'd be strong enough to go through that awful situation again. I only remember a fraction of the pain, and that was just horrible! The thought of having to have surgery just makes me sick. And if there is something there, does that mean I'll always have to worry about it coming back after a few years?

On the other hand, if there is something there and getting rid of it would help my head at all, thats a good thing. I can't imagine not having to worry about everything I do triggering a massive migraine. But I bet its great!

So its like, I don't want anything to be wrong, but I kind of do, because it might fix my head. The CT scan isn't even until next Thursday, so I have a while left to continue my freak out.

TTC Monday

This post might have some TMI moments, so I'm warning you now. If you don't wanna know, don't read it. Because you can't unread it afterwards.

Today is CD17, I think. I think. Since I've randomly been bleeding every other day since then. Heavier than it was during the real deal. WTF?! I mean seriously, What The French, Toast!? Why am I going two months with no period, and then 2 1/2 weeks of on and off bleeding? How is this fair? Mother Nature, please explain this to me, please explain why are you are torturing me? Hmm? I'm waiting..

Cue the Jeopardy music..

Well fine, Mother Nature, you suck!

I've been fighting a migraine since Saturday night. We've had some serious weather fronts move through which just kills my head. And when I'm stuck in this 3 day migraine cycle, I start to question whether or not I should even be trying to get pregnant. What am I going to do when I am pregnant and get these killer migraines that last for days and days. I certainly can't take the Treximet. What am I going to do when I do have a baby and get a nasty one that keeps me in bed and unable to take care of myself. What am I going to do if I pass on this migraine disease to my child. Doesn't seem very fair. To me, or to my future baby. Maybe my migraine disease is a sign from God that being a mom isn't in his plan for me.

I Bet They Used To Lock People Like Me Up

Not because I am criminally insane or anything (well, not proven yet, and that makes me innocent!), but because back in the day when the "experts" didn't know what was wrong with people, they locked them up. Gave them lobotomies. Electric Shock Treatment. Stoned them. Burned them at the stake. You get the point. So I bet that people who suffered from the severe intractable migraines we're thought of as crazy. And hell, I know what I have and I still think I might be crazy.

Its just the pain gets so bad, so out of control, that I probably sound crazy. "It feels like there is a hand on fire squeezing the left side of my brain!". Don't forget about the visual disturbances that come with these killer headaches too! "I'm seeing flying spots in my periph!". Try explaining that to someone who's never experience it. The super human sense of smell is always special. "Dude, I can smell the neighbors trash!". And how about the sensitivity to sound. "The sound that I can feel hurts." That would be like, the bass in music, the airconditioner turning on, my own heartbeat in my ears. Add the deliciousness of severe nausea and puking to the mix and well, you got yourself one hell of a party!

Since they seem to know so little about migraines now, imagine what they really didn't know back then! I'll bet all those crazies locked up way back in the day were actually people like me.

Goodbye Dr. Weirdo

As you know, I have migraines. Big, bad, mean, debilitating migraines. They wreak havoc on my life. They make me so sick I can't move, they make just opening my eyes a task. And they make me kinda bitchy. They just suck. I have been seeing a neurologist basically since I was 17 or so. As of lately, I can't find a neurologist that helps me. I had one for a few years, and I liked him well enough, but he wasn't helping me. The next one I had told me he couldn't help me and I needed to find a new one. My current one (we'll call him Dr. Weirdo) doesn't listen to any thing that I say (check out this post). When I call on Day 4 of my migraine with no relief, he tells me to go the ER. When I call on Day 1 of my migraine that is resisting my meds, he tells me it's too soon to help.

I've been seeing Dr. Weirdo since April, Ive had 4 or 5 visits. The first visit, I was feeling good when I left, he asked a lot of questions, explained to me why he was changing my medicines. I had hope. The visits after that have not left me feeling that good. I've gone through the sticking up for him phase, I dont know why I feel it necessary to do that, but I do. The giving him the benefit of the doubt phase. I brought my mom with me last time to see if maybe I was just too sensitive. But now, at almost the beginning of November, just seven months after first seeing him, I don't want to go back. I cancelled my appointment with him on Monday. I was toying with whether or not I would go back. When they called to confirm my appointment, I was immediately sick to my stomach with anxiety about having to go back to him. Waste my time and my money on someone who doesn't listen to me, doesn't help me.

My mom wants me to try to go to OU (University of Oklahoma) Medical Center, since that is a university hospital. Maybe they will treat the big picture, not just pigeonhole me into a diagnosis I got when I was 17. Maybe there is something else going on!

My question is, how long do you give someone a chance to work out? Am I being too hasty in my decision? Maybe he needs more time? How long is long enough? How do I go about find a new doctor?

A Waste of Mascara, Time, and Tears

My trip to the OB?GYN on Wednesday was a great trip. My doctor is amazing, and I wish that he was my doctor for everything. He listens to me, answers my questions, makes me feel like an equal, not an inferior being. And he never hesitates to give me pain medicine, which also helps.

My trip to the Neurologist, however, was awful. A-W-F-U-L. So awful that I don't ever want to go back to him. I was nervous about going to see him, he is very intimidating. My mother went with me yesterday, thankfully. Sometimes when I leave disappointed, I think maybe its because I went in expecting too much, or I just misunderstood. But when someone else is there with me, and they are not happy with the visit, it makes me feel validated. And maybe I am expecting too much.. I expect him to listen to me, to acknowledge my feelings and thoughts, and to HELP ME FEEL BETTER. That's why I spend the 25 dollars and the time to go out and visit him. Maybe I am too demanding, too high-maintenance. But I spend every day in pain, or in fear of the pain, he doesn't, and I need the help.

When I asked him if he thought that my ovary issues might contribute to my migraines getting worse, as in more often and more intense, he said no. He didn't even toy with the idea. And then the told me that the cyst on my ovary was because of weight. When I asked him about another medicine for nausea because the Promethazine isn't working as well as it used to, he told me to go the ER and have Compazine through an IV. The only thing he did was tell me to double my Prozac to 40mg a day, as long it was okay with my OB/GYN. He didn't acknowledge when my mother said anything either. I was in tears when I left. I was in tears driving home from it. I felt left down.

I talked to my Aunt Sharon (aka: The Coolest Person in the World), and she told me to go through my OB/GYN and get a recommendation for somewhere/someone who will look at the whole picture, and see if the problems are related. I was diagnosed with migraines when I was 17 years old, and at the same time I was having ovary issues, but they didn't know that's what was wrong until later. I need to start at the beginning, because now when I go anywhere, they see that I have migraines and just want to throw drugs at me. And it just isn't cutting it anymore, I've done the work to try to avoid things that I know cause them, I take my medicine every day, and its just not enough. I need to know WHAT is causing them. I need someone that cares, even if they are just pretending. I shouldn't have to be in so much pain that I end up in the emergency clinic/ER 3 times in one month. I should be able to make plans with someone and not have to cancel because I want to die. I shouldn't have to live in the constant fear of whatever I do, will it trigger a migraine. And I certainly shouldn't leave a doctor's office in tears, unless they give me super bad news.

Well. I feel like I have complained enough for right now. I'm stuck in a very frustrating circle, and I need to be going in a light towards something.

Sad State

I'm no stranger to the migraine game, I've been dealing with them for a long while. The older I get, the worse they seem to get. And right now, its ridiculous. In August, I have been to emergency three different times. And last night they made me wait two hours, "to make sure I wasn't just a drug seeker". It is embarrassing. They tell me I need to get help from my neurologist, that's what I try to do! My neuro always tells me to go to the emergency room when my Treximet doesn't work, and it only works about 50% of the time. I called my neurologist today, left a message, stating that I needed help, I shouldn't be reduced to having to go somewhere for help three times in a week, I can't afford it, and its not right. He called me back and left a voicemail telling me that I probably need to add a different medication, and to get in to see him soon and we can discuss it. I don't want to discuss medication, I want help! I need a back up/rescue/HELP ME plan! I need to feel normal!

I can feel the depression starting, I'm tired and I'm frustrated. I don't know how to word what it is that I am feeling, I just want to cry. Everyday. Even when my head doesn't hurt, because I know that it will hurt. I'm going to try to formulate a plan.. Hopefully with help from my neurologist, because I can't do it on my own.

Maybe I'm not wording my questions and problems correctly to my doctor, and that's why I'm not getting any help.. How would you word it?

Needs

Today is so not a good day. In fact, it seems like the past few weeks have just sucked. First the friend drama, then the abdominal pain, the migraines.. I just need a break.

The problem with having sever migraines, intractable I think is that they call them, is that EVERYTHING makes them worse. I could hurt my toe and it would somehow find a way to give me a mega migraine. So when my ovary grew a cyst, again, it makes my migraines a million times worse. And they just don't go away. I wish that when my step dad told me a kid that I couldn't feel more than one pain at a time, he was right. So I am trying to wait a month or so and have another ultrasound to see if the cyst goes away on its own, or if my doctor will have to go in and remove it. Right now its a little more than twice the size of my ovary, I don't know how big they have to get before it causes damage, so we are watching it very carefully.

I just need a break. I just need things to go smoothly for a little while. I just need help.

Face Lift

As I'm sure you can see, I did a little remodeling here on my blog, and I am in love with the results. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love polka dots. and Black, and Pink. I worked really hard on these updates this weekend. What do you think?

This weekend I didn't do nothing as I had planned. I visited my sister, she got me a cool new cover for my blackberry, which is black with pink polka dots! It was nice to get to hang out with her for a little while, we so rarely get to do that these days. Then I faced the grocery store, which I never want to do. Yesterday I did just stay in bed most of the day, but it didn't help. I ended up in the emergency last night getting a shot to try to get relief. My hips are never going to be the same, I have like a constant bruise it seems. If they had Nubain in some form I could take at home, I think I'd be in heaven! It knocks me out, and helps with the headache. And I don't get bad rebound headaches with it like I do with other medication.

So last night, while I was floating around my apartment, I decided that I want to be a Party Planner. If I could have written down all my ideas and plans, I would have, but my hands wouldn't work. I had all kinds of ideas, I just need someone to throw a party and pay me to plan it. So simple right? : )

I also want to write a book. I'm thinking maybe a children's book, because they are a great audience, very honest people. So I'm still brainstorming on that as well.

I could make a list of all the things that I want to do, it would be a long list, as I am always thinking of different things. That might be my next post..

Self Therapy Session

This week has been a sad week for me, especially dealing with the loss of what I thought was a friendship. I know that I am too naive, and that I am too sensitive, but knowing that doesn't make the hurt feelings go away. If this person was really my friend like I thought, they would have told me something along the lines of "hey, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings". But no, they didn't do that, instead this person seemed to get mad at me, for being upset at them for their comments. My husband tells me that I will only ever have 2 or 3 "real friends" in my lifetime, and I think that I might be starting to believe him. He tells me that I am too trusting, which is true. I give everything when a friendship, and a lot of times I get nothing in return but sadness and drama. He says to not trust co-workers like I do, because it always ends up badly. And I'm starting to see that is true, I've been burned twice now by people I thought were friends.

I am hoping that as time goes on, the tension will start to clear and things might be comfortable again. I don't think that these events will change who I am as a person, I am by nature a trusting and sensitive person. I might miss out on a fantastic friendship if I were different. I've been told to just chalk this up to life experience, and that I will get better at seeing people for who they are, instead of who I hope they are.

But, enough about that.

I've been on my newest preventive medication for my migraines for almost three months now, and I so wish that I was able to report that I am doing 120% better than before, but that would be lie. I do have a couple days where I don't have a migraine, but when I do get them, they are bad and they last for days. This month I have had to make trips to the emergency clinic three times. That is way too many. I go see my neurologist in the beginning of September, and we have a lot of things to discuss. He wants me to add Neurontin to my preventive meds, but I don't want to because you can't take it while you are pregnant. I'm not pregnant, but just in case, I don't want there to be any problems. Also, I need to discuss some kind of back up plan, for when they get so bad, something to try before I have to go get a shot. It seems like I'm always trying to figure something to try before it gets to that point.

This weeking I am just going to rest. I need to take a little time for myself to process all my thoughts and feelings, make plans for the future, maybe work on some of the many projects I have going on at home. I'm going to be. I can't wait.

*SIGH*

I am on a quest to find a good Neurologist. After going to the Emergency Clinic on Easter Sunday, and then still having a migraine on Monday, I called my current neuro, who told me that he can't help me. And recommends that I stop taking birth control pills, which hello, I stopped back in September and it should be in your little chart. It is such a punch to the gut feeling when your doctor tells you "I can't help you". I was so upset and so mad that I couldn't breathe. So I went to the ER, where they pumped me full of drugs, did a cat-scan, and sent me home with meds (that actually worked, what a novel idea!). I've made an appointment with my family doctor, to discuss finding a new neuro, along with other things that have been bothering me, like how I can't sleep. Hopefully he can help me find a doctor that can help me, who won't give up on me. I am a good patient, I take notes, come ready with all my paperwork nice organized in a folder. Frustrating. At first, this doctor seemed like he would finally be able to help me, and then he gave up on me. I mean I know that my migraines are difficult, but THAT'S HIS JOB! Right?

I'm just ready to feel normal most of the time. Tired of having the damn head pain, and when I don't have a headache, I'm tired of being afraid I will get one. I'm afraid of doing anything, cuz it might make my head hurt. I'm tired of having a small regular headache turn into a monster migraine. Can't I just be normal? I'm tired of trying to explain to people who have never had one why I can't be at work when they get to a certain point. Tired of listening to the "headache" comments, even if they are just joking. I'm tired of the "jokes" about how much I don't come to work. I'm tired and I'm sick of it all. I don't need the added grief, I'm struggling enough as it is.

Sorry, just another complaining blog.

Riddles

So I go back to the doctor next week, after my surgery, for the follow up, and hopefully to see what exactly is going on. What was the problem, what exactly they did, and what it means for the future baby having process. I have a whole list of questions that I am taking with me. And I think that my mom is going to go with me, cuz heads are better than one, and she might think of questions that I wouldn't know to ask, and she might hear stuff I don't notice. That kind of stuff. What I know now is that he said it would hurt when I ovulate. Well hell, that's not what a girl wants to hear, nothing says "let's get it on and make a baby" quite like, "ouch, my insides hurt!", totally a mood killer.

My husband has the flu. Yucko. Thank goodness I don't catch stuff like that very easily. I think its because God gave me this migraine disease nonsense, so He keeps most of the other yuckiness away. Thanks! Speaking of migraines... I was supposed to go out on Saturday for my birthday, to my favorite place to go out to, The Loony Bin. It is always so so so much fun, and I had been looking forward to it for weeks. So, of course, I woke up about 4am on Saturday with the worst migraine I've had in a while. I took my new medicine, Axert, but I think at this point, it was already too far gone for that to help, because it didn't do anything, and then I puke. And when that happens, its all over. So I threw up for the next 4 hours straight, about every 5 minutes. My mom came and picked me up and took me to the emergency clinic, I was dehydrated I could barely walk to the car, no good. But 30 minutes and a shot of heaven later, I could barely walk back to my apartment, but I made it all the way to my couch with my pillows and blankets and slept. For hours. I woke up about 4:30, still had a headache, still groggy, still mad at the world for ruining my plans. I had to cancel the comedy club. Luckily, I guess, 4 of the 8 people who were supposed to go, had already cancelled. So, we'll go another time..

Would You Be My V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E

So Valentine's Day wasn't all that great for me. Or Dallas. He did bring me home flowers on Friday, because he couldn't hid them til Saturday. I went to bed about 10:30 on Friday night with a headache, took the medicine I was supposed to and thought all would be good. But of course, my head had other plans. By the time Dallas came to bed about 12:30, my headache was a full on Migraine that was practicing karate on my brain. And my brain was definitely losing. I spent all night puking and crying and whining and wanted to die. And I am not exaggerating either, all night long. Poor Dallas couldn't sleep because of it. I had to call my mom at 7 in the morning for her to come take me to the emergency clinic at 8. And 30 mins and one shot later, I was done throwin up, which was nice. And then I slept. And slept. And slept. Until about 5 that evening. I didn't go get Dallas his card, or pick up him any candy like I had planned. We ordered pizza and watched a little TV, and then I went back to bed. Those drugs really stay in my system a long time, LOL.

And all the puking, hard, made my abdomen hurt even more where my cyst is. So that was no bueno, but that will all be fixed on Wednesday. Its scary to think that I am a little exciting about having surgery. Well, not excited about surgery, because I'm kind of freaking out, but I am excited to be out of pain. I can handle pain, but day in and day out, no let up EVER, it really sucks the happiness out of you, and I am good at being happy, not good at being depressed. So I'm excited to feel like myself again.

Yesterday, Dallas and I exchanged cards. I got him a musical card that plays "Disco Inferno" on it, and it has a penguin on it. Because he is my penguin. And he got me a card. And wrote the most beautiful stuff on it.

I don't know if you can read it. But its beautiful. That's all for now, hope your Valentines Day was good!