Sunday, January 31, 2010

Who I Used To Be

So its been a few days or so since I've written anything! So sad for you guys I know! I've been on vacation from work and in resisting the urge to go through my work email, I haven't even logged on the internet since Wednesday I think. Not that I don't like you Internet, but I needed a break. I needed to decompress from all the suckage lately. I needed to get back to being the awesome me that I am, instead of this sad and bitter me I was becoming.

The other day, I was going through my drawer, you know the one that has everything you don't have an official home for? I wouldn't call it the "junk" drawer because that drawer is in the kitchen, and this one is in my room. And it doesn't have stuff like extra lighters and random screwdrivers and those scissors that are just offset enough to make cutting anything a nightmare yet you still keep them in your kitchen junk drawer. It has stuff in like half used post-it blocks, some unsharpened pencils, earrings that don't have matches to them, those really small picture frames that are a bitch to find a picture that will fit it, and my old journal.

Now, I should tell you that once every few months I get this urge write amazingly deep things in a beautiful journal that I can someday pass on to my grand-children and they will think "Man, My Granny was so amazingly deep, and look at this beautiful journal!". I never make it more than a month in writing in one on a regular basis. Every time I find a beautiful looking journal, I buy it. I try to get the ones that have a spiral binding, so that if I need to tear something out, I can. There has only been one journal that I've continued writing in for longer than a month, that's not to say that I didn't miss a month or two, but I was always smart enough to go back to that one when I wanted to start writing in it again. When I moved from my Gramma's house, I thought that it was lost, and I was really upset. I mean, REALLY, upset. Sure, I want to pass it on to my grand-children someday, but that someday will be when I can't  be convicted of any crimes that may be mentioned in it, ya know, statute of limitations. Just kidding, no crimes (wink wink). But there are things in there that I don't want to get out, at least not yet.

I'm still young, and with youth comes such strange emotions and ways of processing those emotions. I also found, in my journal, the web address to my first blog. Xanga! Remember that? I've been reading through some old stuff that I wrote on there.. This is my favorite post so far..
Things that I'm learning about myself, or that I've known, but no one else might realize..

1. I like to be by myself sometimes.
2. I love to hang out.
3. Starbucks is amazing, I can't believe I'm saying that.. but man.
4. I have a definite fear of commitment, even little commitments.
5. "Maybe" and all forms of it, has become my favorite word, because it is so non-commital.
6. I still love to color.
7. I will probably forever love NSYNC, and, thats okay.
8. The fact that my little sister is getting married in June, and I'm not even close to getting married bugs me, but the thought of getting married scares the hell out me.
9. I'm weird, but not like, the dorky kid in school who collected bugs weird, just like, quirky weird.
10. I have self-esteem issues.
11. When people tell me I'm cute, or anything like that, I tend to freak out, because I know that they are probably lying to me.
12. I desperately want a relationship with my father.
13. I don't want to be part of the crowd, I like to be an individual.
14. Apologies are very hard for me.
15. Feelings in general are very hard for me.
16. There are days that I don't get out of my pajamas at all.
17. Sometimes I don't want to talk.
18. I'm not sweet and mushy.
19. I don't cry in front of people because I don't want them to think oh she's just an emotional girl, because then they will use that against you in the future. Whether or not I am emotional shouldn't be a factor in most things, so I can usually keep my emotions to myself until I am alone.
20. Walking around Wal-mart is a good time for me.
21. Guys who are too sensitive are annoying, but guys who are not sensitive at all are just time wasted.
22. I hate being compared to a typical girl, and I think that is a typical girl thing, but it bugs the hell out of me.
23. Some of my fears are very irrational, but they're still mine, and making fun of me for them will not get you anywhere.
24. I am getting out of Oklahoma sometime, I won't be the girl that always says that but ends up living next door to her family.
25. I'm not very good at flirting, or I don't know when I am flirting.
26. I've stopping putting my heart into most things nowadays, because I know it will only end up with one less piece when I get it back.
27. I'm not the person that I want to be yet.
 
 

So this was five years ago.. Some of these are still true. And some of these aren't. It's so interesting to think about who I used to be compared to who I am now..

1 comment:

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