Back in the Saddle

And I'm holdin' the reigns..

Well, those are song lyrics. An old country song I used to listen to. Good ole Blackhawk. They had this one song about a "big red goodbye in lipstick on the wall", that was my favorite growing up. Anyway, I got sidetracked..

I miss blogging.

I used to be good at it, ya know. Well, good in my opinion. Hopefully I will get good at it again, start writing stuff that people actually want to read. Maybe increase my readers. Become a famous blogger (Dooce style!). Be a guest on a talk show. Get my own sit-com. Be this generation's Lucille Ball..

Oh, to dream..

But for real, I do want to blog more. So what am I going to do about it? I'm going to get my Google on. I'm going to find one of those 30 days of blog topic thingies. Maybe just getting in the habit of doing it daily will help. And I'm going to find my 101 in 1001 goal list, and see what I can do, write about, and cross off.

Basically, I'm going to get my ass in gear and get to blogging. Because, I've missed ya'll!

Just A Little Crush

First, Shut the love up! It finally happened. I don't know if you noticed or not.. But I have FIFTY followers on my blog.

50!

That is effing awesome. I get to mark it off of my Goal List now too! I'm thinking about upping me.. Maybe my next goal is 75? What do you think? 

Second, its crush time. Today, its a girl crush. Because I don't discriminate. And Drew Barrymore has been my girl crush for a long time. She's so cute and quirky. Who doesn't love quirky?

I Have No Speech Prepared

Hold the phone ya'll. I have TWO blog awards. Yes, you read that right. Not one, but two. I know that I've been a blog slacker lately, so it really means and extra lot that these two ladies awarded me. Part of these blog awards is picking other bloggers to give them to. One of them has me pick 12, the other has me pick 7. I'm just going to combine my picks and they can pick one or both awards if they want them. (Is that cheating? Probably, but you know me, R-E-B-E-L. Muahahaha!)

Jen over at What Would Jen Do passed this lovely award to me back on July 12th (blog slacker, I KNOW!), and its means a lot. When it seems like all I've written lately is sad and gloomy, getting a Sunshine Award just makes me smile. She really is a neat blogger, and yesterday she told me to rest because I could vacuum anytime. You HAVE to love a person that gives you permission to rest! Thanks so much!

The Rules for the Sunshine Award:

Display the award on your blog, thank and link back to the person that gave it to you and pass it on to 12 other deserving bloggers. (I'm doing it at the end, remember!)

Holly over at Ready To Be A Mom gave this one to me, along with a really touching blurb. Holly has been so brave in keeping us all in the know about her journey with IVF, letting us be there to support her through the anxiety, and the miscarriage after her first attempt. She's pregnant again and we're all so full of hope for her and her husband this time around. With all that is going on with her, she is ALWAYS there with words of encouragement, and asks how I'm doing. She is such a special individual that I feel blessed to have come to know.

Here is how the Versatile Blogger Award works:

1. Thank and talk about whoever gave you the award.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself.
3. Give this award to 7 other bloggers who you think rock!

Seven Facts About Me???

1. I hate cats. Hate with a passion, will never have one. Sometimes the evil beings get around my defenses in the form of kittens, but I do eventually realize they grow into cats, and I snap out of it.
2. I submit poems into contests. Most of them are old ones from when I was really sad and angry. Very emo. LOL.
3. I have an obsession with notebooks and planners. Seriously. This year I've had 4 different planners. I write big, so most planners just get on my nerves. I think I finally found one that will work for me. It has one page for each day. So I can write as big as I want, and not run out of room.
4. I color my hair a lot. My natural hair color is like seeing hair in a black and white movie. Its not gray, there's just not any color. Right now its Foxy Brown, but its been almost every color.
5. I feel like a poser when I listen to all my favorite music. I love the emo/pump/screamo music, Taking Back Sunday, The Used, Fall Out Boy, etc. I could really relate to the songs when I younger and everything sucked, but now that I am happily married, I can't really relate. But I love them still just the same.
6. I'm addicted to song lyrics. For realz. When I hear a song lyric that I like, especially ones that are snarky, I will write them down and use them in my daily life, my tweets, my fb updates, everything. It kind of drives people nuts, lol.
7. I won Geography Bee when I was in 5th grade. Yes, I am THAT awesome.

And now to pass along these beautiful awards!

1. Jenny @ Among the Blossoms - She is so cute, and so fun. And she's starting back to work after her summer vacation!
2. Tillie @ A Nuttier Life - She's so caring and full of encouragement!
3. Kate @ Busted Plumbing - She routinely blogs about farting, and that's just awesome. AND she's having a baby boy, exciting!
4. Jenny @ Road to Happily Ever After - She JUST found out she's pregnant, and there isn't anyone out there who deserves it more.
5. Kaitlyn @ Ah.. My Married Life - She's adorable, and has awesome pics on her blog.
6. Mrs. Graves @ Family Plots - She's hysterical, and fun, and she gets to use a spooky theme for her blog, that's so cool!
7. Heidi @ Migraine-Free Cooking - If you suffer from migraines, you should be following her blog and her tweets, she is a river of useful info! And super sweet as well!
8. Tiffany @ PCOS Success - She's a cute seven months pregnant!
9. Parin @ Sparkling with Crystals - One of my most favorite people. She is always there when I am feeling down, or being dumb. She lets me vent and offers amazing insight.
10. Roxanne @ Quest for Baby Hang - She is such a strong person. She's struggling through many of her own health issues, and her husband's deployment.
11. Becca @ Liberal Granola Girl - She's just amazing. No other words. Too awesome : )
12. Fertility Chick @ Fertility Chick - Going through her own struggles, she still keeps a pretty good sense of humor. I think I'm still chuckling at some stuff she's said.

There ya go! Thank you all once again for all your love and support, means more than I can ever say!

What To Do..

I'm doing some blog thinking the past few days, as another blog post of mine might have possibly contained something that could be construed as a threat of physical violence to someone who I don't even work with. (The person I was referring to in that post isn't someone I work with.)

The fact is that I don't write about work. I have in the past, but when drama went on (that had nothing to do with my blog), I went through and deleted them. I used to be at wordpress, because I could password protect individual posts. After I moved to blogspot, I deleted all the posts that had anything to do with work. I just don't need that added drama in my life. I don't write about work, or anyone at work, to protect myself.

But now, I am having to self-edit every time I write. Editing myself! Can you imagine?! I'm always worried now about what I write. Who will end up with hurt feelings? Who's going to take something the wrong way and cause problems? Who is so immature and vain that they will always think I'm talking about them when in fact it probably has zero to do with them (channelling my inner Carly Simon!)? Honestly, it makes me want to not write anymore.

I'm proud of my blog, I'm proud of the thought that I put into writing, the way that I am able to show some true emotion on it. And the thought of not writing makes me sad, but the thought of so much drama coming from what I write.

Its not effing necessary! I don't write about work, I don't use names unless I have asked them and they said it was okay, I don't use obscene language (maybe just some obscene letters), and I don't make fun of people. I write about me, my life, and what I am feeling about things.

Short of deleting this blog, I'm not sure what to do.

**This is not a post about how I'm mad at anyone in particular. I'm glad when things get brought to my attention, because I honestly hate hurting or upsetting anyone. Its just a post about being frustrated.**

Who I Used To Be

So its been a few days or so since I've written anything! So sad for you guys I know! I've been on vacation from work and in resisting the urge to go through my work email, I haven't even logged on the internet since Wednesday I think. Not that I don't like you Internet, but I needed a break. I needed to decompress from all the suckage lately. I needed to get back to being the awesome me that I am, instead of this sad and bitter me I was becoming.

The other day, I was going through my drawer, you know the one that has everything you don't have an official home for? I wouldn't call it the "junk" drawer because that drawer is in the kitchen, and this one is in my room. And it doesn't have stuff like extra lighters and random screwdrivers and those scissors that are just offset enough to make cutting anything a nightmare yet you still keep them in your kitchen junk drawer. It has stuff in like half used post-it blocks, some unsharpened pencils, earrings that don't have matches to them, those really small picture frames that are a bitch to find a picture that will fit it, and my old journal.

Now, I should tell you that once every few months I get this urge write amazingly deep things in a beautiful journal that I can someday pass on to my grand-children and they will think "Man, My Granny was so amazingly deep, and look at this beautiful journal!". I never make it more than a month in writing in one on a regular basis. Every time I find a beautiful looking journal, I buy it. I try to get the ones that have a spiral binding, so that if I need to tear something out, I can. There has only been one journal that I've continued writing in for longer than a month, that's not to say that I didn't miss a month or two, but I was always smart enough to go back to that one when I wanted to start writing in it again. When I moved from my Gramma's house, I thought that it was lost, and I was really upset. I mean, REALLY, upset. Sure, I want to pass it on to my grand-children someday, but that someday will be when I can't  be convicted of any crimes that may be mentioned in it, ya know, statute of limitations. Just kidding, no crimes (wink wink). But there are things in there that I don't want to get out, at least not yet.

I'm still young, and with youth comes such strange emotions and ways of processing those emotions. I also found, in my journal, the web address to my first blog. Xanga! Remember that? I've been reading through some old stuff that I wrote on there.. This is my favorite post so far..

Things that I'm learning about myself, or that I've known, but no one else might realize..

1. I like to be by myself sometimes.
2. I love to hang out.
3. Starbucks is amazing, I can't believe I'm saying that.. but man.
4. I have a definite fear of commitment, even little commitments.
5. "Maybe" and all forms of it, has become my favorite word, because it is so non-commital.
6. I still love to color.
7. I will probably forever love NSYNC, and, thats okay.
8. The fact that my little sister is getting married in June, and I'm not even close to getting married bugs me, but the thought of getting married scares the hell out me.
9. I'm weird, but not like, the dorky kid in school who collected bugs weird, just like, quirky weird.
10. I have self-esteem issues.
11. When people tell me I'm cute, or anything like that, I tend to freak out, because I know that they are probably lying to me.
12. I desperately want a relationship with my father.
13. I don't want to be part of the crowd, I like to be an individual.
14. Apologies are very hard for me.
15. Feelings in general are very hard for me.
16. There are days that I don't get out of my pajamas at all.
17. Sometimes I don't want to talk.
18. I'm not sweet and mushy.
19. I don't cry in front of people because I don't want them to think oh she's just an emotional girl, because then they will use that against you in the future. Whether or not I am emotional shouldn't be a factor in most things, so I can usually keep my emotions to myself until I am alone.
20. Walking around Wal-mart is a good time for me.
21. Guys who are too sensitive are annoying, but guys who are not sensitive at all are just time wasted.
22. I hate being compared to a typical girl, and I think that is a typical girl thing, but it bugs the hell out of me.
23. Some of my fears are very irrational, but they're still mine, and making fun of me for them will not get you anywhere.
24. I am getting out of Oklahoma sometime, I won't be the girl that always says that but ends up living next door to her family.
25. I'm not very good at flirting, or I don't know when I am flirting.
26. I've stopping putting my heart into most things nowadays, because I know it will only end up with one less piece when I get it back.
27. I'm not the person that I want to be yet.
 
 

So this was five years ago.. Some of these are still true. And some of these aren't. It's so interesting to think about who I used to be compared to who I am now..

Face Lift

As I'm sure you can see, I did a little remodeling here on my blog, and I am in love with the results. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love polka dots. and Black, and Pink. I worked really hard on these updates this weekend. What do you think?

This weekend I didn't do nothing as I had planned. I visited my sister, she got me a cool new cover for my blackberry, which is black with pink polka dots! It was nice to get to hang out with her for a little while, we so rarely get to do that these days. Then I faced the grocery store, which I never want to do. Yesterday I did just stay in bed most of the day, but it didn't help. I ended up in the emergency last night getting a shot to try to get relief. My hips are never going to be the same, I have like a constant bruise it seems. If they had Nubain in some form I could take at home, I think I'd be in heaven! It knocks me out, and helps with the headache. And I don't get bad rebound headaches with it like I do with other medication.

So last night, while I was floating around my apartment, I decided that I want to be a Party Planner. If I could have written down all my ideas and plans, I would have, but my hands wouldn't work. I had all kinds of ideas, I just need someone to throw a party and pay me to plan it. So simple right? : )

I also want to write a book. I'm thinking maybe a children's book, because they are a great audience, very honest people. So I'm still brainstorming on that as well.

I could make a list of all the things that I want to do, it would be a long list, as I am always thinking of different things. That might be my next post..