Sunday, July 25, 2010

Notes On A Break Down

If you were around Twitter or Facebook on Friday, you know I had a rough night. I am actually finding it helpful to keep up my journal, because I can go back and see how I was feeling. Helps give me some perspective on myself. This is taken word for word from my journal..

July 23, 2010 - Minor break down tonight. Okay, maybe a major break down. Its been coming for a while now. I've felt it building up the past week. The anxiety has been so high, I was feeling it all the way up to my throat. It feels like the past few weeks have just been so full of different emotions, and I haven't had a chance to sit and deal with them. Its all been like back to back to back. The tension inside me is just turning me into one big knot.

I was laying down and Dallas came into the room and asked me what was wrong. I was only kind of crying before, but it seems like when someone asks me whats wrong, or if I'm okay, it turns my emotions higher because then I started sobbing. He's so sweet, he just hugged me for a while and let me cry. He told me that I didn't have to keep it all in, I didn't have to be strong all the time. And I could cry on his shoulder anytime. And I know that I can, but sometimes, crying by myself is okay with me.

Mostly, right now, I'm tired of struggling for everything. EVERYTHING. I struggle just to be normal, and it doesn't even work. And I know that everyone has their problems, and mine are small compared to a lot of other people. I feel guilty for being upset. I do know how lucky I am to have what I have. But every day is a constant struggle for me. I struggle with my head, always in fear of doing something, or doing nothing, to make it explode. Almost every day I am in moderate to severe pain. The every day pain, worry, fear, tension of it all wears me down. Its mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I can't take it another day.

On top of that, the fertility (or lack there of) issue weighs on me. Twenty-one months we've been trying to get pregnant. And I try to smile and be optimistic, because I know that no matter what we do, it all happens on God's time, not mine. But I feel like a failure. I've failed at making Dallas a dad, I've failed at making my mom, Celia, and Steve grandparents. I've failed at making myself a mom. Thank goodness that Heather is making Jenny an aunt, so I'm not failing so much at that.

I'm a big emotional, stressed out, exhausted, sick of myself failure. Go me.

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3 comments:

  1. Sharon, I want you to know that you are NOT failing everybody! Your body is failing you...and it sucks! Sometimes I feel that silence is golden but I really want you to know that everyone who matters loves you- headache or not- pregnant or not. Dallas loves you and did not marry you for your fertility. He married you for you - headaches and all. I cannot imagine how it is to be in pain 98% of the time, but you deal with it like a champ. Anyway! Love you so very much...hope your breakdown helped relieve some of tension and anxiety. If you need anything call me!

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  2. Sharon, I'm sorry you feel this way. I just want to give you a hug and let you know that you're not a failure. <3

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  3. Sharon, I also just wanted to give you a *BIG HUG* and let you know that you're not alone!

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