One Step Forward..

Two steps back.

Most of last year, I was broken. So deep that I wasn't sure I'd ever feel normal again. I know thats common after loss. It took some time, but I did eventually pull myself out of the hole I was in. I finally got to a point, emotionally and mentally, where I was ready to start trying to conceive again. I made an appointment with my doctor, and went over all of my questions and concerns. He gave me the green light, and told me that he didn't think it would take long. Now that my body knows what is supposed to happen, it might work a little better this time around.

Our plan was to try naturally for 4 cycles. If we weren't pregnant in that time, I would start taking the medication again and try for another 4 cycles. Or if I didn't get a positive OPK in the first 2 cycles, I would start the medicine.

I was feeling good about it. I had a positive outlook, knew that 2012 would be our year to have our little teacup human.

And then my husband came home one day after work and told me that he made a doctor's appointment. "Why", I asked. He tells me that he's been having issues for a little while, and he wants to get them checked out. The doctor tells us that he has an infection, either in the prostate or the bladder. And that he has pretty low testosterone.

Really? Didn't see that coming. He was referred to a urologist, to get some more blood work done. The newest blood work showed that his testosterone was really low, and they can't treat it how they want since we are trying to get knocked up. So they put him on some pills that are supposed to help his body produce more testosterone. And they are going to do a semen analysis. He'll drop off his, erm, stuff, on Tuesday. And then two weeks after that he'll drop off another sample. And then again two weeks after that. So we'll see what that has to tell us. He has to have blood work done in about 4 weeks, to make sure that the medication he's taking isn't doing too much. It takes almost 3 months for the meds to take full effect, so we're on hold until it gets all taken care of.

I'm hoping for good news, because it just feels sometimes like I'm being slapped in the face with all of this. Ya know, I'm almost 29, I'm married to the love of my life, I have a job and a stable life, and I can't get and stay pregnant. And then you have all these skanky crack-whore teenagers getting themselves knocked up and becoming reality TV stars, having their kids taken away. It just doesn't seem right.

I asked him what it was that he was taking..

Clomid. (hahaha).

Zero Progress

I'll be 28 in less than a week.

And honestly, it feels like I might as well 30.

Last year at this time, I was so filled with hope that by the time my next birthday came, I'd be a mom. Or I'd be pregnant. But I'd be there in some way.

And this birthday is hurtling at me, and I'm no closer than I was a year ago. My body is exhausted, my heart is broken, and it feels like my head is spinning out of control.

How is it possible that in one whole year, we've made no progress on this front? How is it possible that in 2 1/2 years, in 30 months, I'm not closer than I used to be.

At what point do I have to accept the fact that maybe this isn't going to work for us. Maybe we are going to have to go an alternate route.

Perhaps losing my left ovary and part of my right ovary ten years ago was a sign.

Eh.

The end of my Two Week Wait is Friday, but I won't test that day. I never test that day. I wait and wait. Starting my period hurts less than seeing a negative pregnancy test. Meanwhile, I'm praying for guidance and peace, because right now I feel like I'm about to fizzle out.

Where I Am

I'm sorry that I can't be as happy and as enthusiastic about your pregnancy/baby as I want to be, and as you think I should be. You see, my heart is broken. Try to think back to a time when you're heart was broken for whatever reason, were you able to be happy all the time? If you were, then I envy you, and you're obviously stronger than I am.

I wish I was able to turn off the sad emotions and just feel the happy ones, but it doesn't work that way. For now, I am going to focus on me. Selfish, I know. But I've pushed myself for so long to make everyone else happy, or to keep everyone else from having hurt feelings, at my own expense. Right now, my insides are one big knot, and it has me unable to function normally. Its a sucky feeling, and I don't like it. I guess the good news in this is that I've had someone trained to know tell me that I'm normal. It's normal for me to be miserable right now, because everything I'm going through is just that. Its miserable.

My plan of action right now is to make a plan of action. To take back control of my life. To sit down with my husband and talk about our goals, the options, a time frame, and know that in the end, no matter how we get there, we will be parents (damn good ones, too). I've been told that I am strong. And at times, I feel anything but strong, I know that they are right. I just have to have more faith in myself. I've been through a lot in my life, and I know that I will eventually get past this, and add it to my "I conquered that" list. But I'm not there yet.

Right now, I'm sad and angry. This will be the last month that we try to conceive on the road that we're on right now. I won't put myself or my husband, or my family through another month of this. I will talk to the doctor about what the next steps are, what reasonable time frames are for them, and how to get to there from here.

What this means is that I am NOT giving up. I'm just changing directions a little bit. I am past the point of "stop trying and it will happen", and I'm way past the point of "just don't think about it" and "don't worry". I zipped by those points a long time ago. I'm going to take the time with Dallas to get us centered again, release some of the tension I know we're both feeling, and find my zest for life again. I really, really, REALLY, appreciate everyone's support and love, I may not express the gratitude often, but it does mean a lot.

I just want to be myself again.

Silly Me

I honestly thought that I'd be pregnant by now.

In my worst nightmares I never thought that it would take this long. Or that I'd be faced with the possibility that it really might not happen. I know that deep down, I didn't do anything to cause this. But part of me can't help but wonder. Maybe if I'd told people about my pain when I was in high school, I wouldn't have had to have an ovary removed. Maybe if I had known my whole life that I wanted to be a mom, I would be already. Maybe I'm being taught a lesson in patience.

I'm getting to the point where I have to accept that this may not happen for me without far more intensive treatments. Treatments that I'm not sure we'd be able to afford. Treatments that are going to involve more time off work than I already take, more medicines that I'm already taking, and be more intrusive than things already are. Or I can skip the treatments and move ahead to adoption. Also something that I'm not sure we could afford. And is it selfish to not want to have to adopt?

There is always the option of Fostering To Adopt. But that scares me, you don't always get to keep the first baby you're given, and there's a higher chance of getting babies who are sick, and I know that this is selfish, but why would I choose a sick baby?

I'm overwhelmed by my feelings about this. I don't know who to talk to, or what to do, or how I'm expected to be able to handle this.

Doctors Are Bitches

So everyone knows that I get migraines. Severe, debilitating, makes me want to die migraines. Its not new to anyone who knows me. For the past two plus years I've had FMLA for them, because I miss more work than is allowed by my company's attendance policy. But that's the ONLY reason I ever miss work. And when I am at work, I work my ass off to make sure that I get everything I need done.

Its also not new that I've had my fair share of neurologists, because I felt they weren't doing enough to help me, or they told me they couldn't help me, or they were just a dick that left me in tears every time I went to see him. I finally found a neurologist that has promise. He's already had some tests run to try to rule out a reason or trigger for my migraines. I've been seeing him since April or May I guess. Every visit I bring my color coded calendar, so he can see how my migraines have been behaving, we saw some improvement the last time, so I graduated from going every month, to going every two months. That's huge! But its still a significant problem for me.

So time came for me to recertify my FMLA paperwork. I faxed over the forms, and an explanation, and all my info about time missed the past few months so he would have something to go by. His nurse called me to tell me that he would like me to have my primary care physician fill out the paperwork.

Wait, what?

Why would my primary care physician fill out FMLA paperwork about a condition he doesn't treat?

And that's basically what he told me in his letter he mailed to me. He said have your neurologist fill this out, I've only ever seen you twice for migraines, and those were for referrals.

I called the neuro's office this morning, spoke to his nurse, told her that my primary care physician wouldn't fill it out. She said that she would leave a note for my doctor, but if he didn't think that I was at the point where I needed to miss work because of them, he wouldn't fill them out. And if he does fill them out, its a $25 charge.

Why does he get to say whether or not I can miss work because of MY pain? He's seen my calendar and knows how often I get the really bad ones that make me unable to function. Why would he even question my need to miss work when they are like that?

Why do doctor's think its okay to make our lives more stressful than they already are? If it wasn't for us being sick and having to go see them, they wouldn't be able to drive around in their fancy cars or live in their fancy houses. I said before, and I'll say it again, THEY work for US. Yet we're the ones who have to do all the hard work and stress about everything.
I want to fucking scream.

TTC Monday

I feel like I'm at the lowest point I've been at in my whole baby making journey. It seems like the stork is against me. Every time I feel like I'm on a path that might actually lead me to being the awesome mom I know that I'll be, I get derailed.

I finally ovulate and have 2 normal 28 day cycles, only to not have one at all the next month. Two weeks of taking more hormones that an already emotional girl should be taking has produced nothing more than more tears and a face resembling a map of the planet's active volcanoes. What it hasn't produced was a period. That makes this cycle day 180,452. No really, its cycle day 62.

Um, I know that I'm not really happy when I get my period, because it means that I'm not pregnant, and the cramps, moodiness, all that jazz. But since I'm NOT pregnant, I kinda need the period so I can try again. I can't do anything until it decides to make an appearance.

I always have pain in my ovary area, I just figure it comes with the territory, its had a lot of trauma in the past. I'm always acutely aware of what things feel like, and when the pain is worse that normal, or different, I know something is up. Somethings been up. I called my doctor last week, explained the pain, my history of large cysts that don't want to go away on their own. He scheduled me for an ultrasound last Thursday, which I wasn't excited about, but I know that its how I have to roll. I felt like the tech took a lot more pictures than usual, but when I asked him if he saw anything, he told me he couldn't tell me. I know the techs aren't supposed to tell you, but still, a yes or no head nod would have sufficed. I went all weekend not knowing if there was something there, or if I was just crazy.. Torture.

Then today, the nurse calls me and says that the doctor needs me to come into to see him to discuss my ultrasound results. I was like, um, was there something there? Then my doctor got on the phone and told me that he was pretty sure its a polyp, and I needed to come in so he could explain what he thinks needs to be done about it. But it not cancer.

Cancer? Who invited the thought of cancer into this conversation? It never even crossed my mind. Ever.

So. That's where I'm at. In pain. I have no idea what a polyp even is, or if it can cause damage, or what has to be done about it. I'm back to waiting. I go into his office this Thursday afternoon, hopefully my mom can go with me. A less emotional brain would probably be a good thing.

Always getting knocked down. Should I be taking these as signs that maybe I should just try to adopt? Maybe I'm not meant to have my own baby.

Or maybe I should just wait and see what the plan is.

*sigh*

Again?

It think my ovary might be involved in some terrorism. It's target? Me.

Why?

I can feel something growing on my ovary. I can feel it when I walk or roll over on to my right side. Its an invader, and unwelcome alien visitor. Hey alien visitor, I do NOT come in peace so you should just go now. The pain is just a constant ache. Its like a dull ache, but gets sharp when I do something that pisses it off. Like its just down there waiting for me to screw up so it can stab me. It hurts more when I am sitting up and when I am laying down.. Yah. Whats that about?! I haven't slept much in the past few days, every time I doze off, it wakes me up.

I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning. I'm sure its just the same old nonsense. Another large cyst, but they want to make sure its not hemorrhaging into my ovary. I just want it gone. And I don't want it to come back. I just want everything to go right for a little while. Jeez.

Notes On A Break Down

If you were around Twitter or Facebook on Friday, you know I had a rough night. I am actually finding it helpful to keep up my journal, because I can go back and see how I was feeling. Helps give me some perspective on myself. This is taken word for word from my journal..

July 23, 2010 - Minor break down tonight. Okay, maybe a major break down. Its been coming for a while now. I've felt it building up the past week. The anxiety has been so high, I was feeling it all the way up to my throat. It feels like the past few weeks have just been so full of different emotions, and I haven't had a chance to sit and deal with them. Its all been like back to back to back. The tension inside me is just turning me into one big knot.

I was laying down and Dallas came into the room and asked me what was wrong. I was only kind of crying before, but it seems like when someone asks me whats wrong, or if I'm okay, it turns my emotions higher because then I started sobbing. He's so sweet, he just hugged me for a while and let me cry. He told me that I didn't have to keep it all in, I didn't have to be strong all the time. And I could cry on his shoulder anytime. And I know that I can, but sometimes, crying by myself is okay with me.

Mostly, right now, I'm tired of struggling for everything. EVERYTHING. I struggle just to be normal, and it doesn't even work. And I know that everyone has their problems, and mine are small compared to a lot of other people. I feel guilty for being upset. I do know how lucky I am to have what I have. But every day is a constant struggle for me. I struggle with my head, always in fear of doing something, or doing nothing, to make it explode. Almost every day I am in moderate to severe pain. The every day pain, worry, fear, tension of it all wears me down. Its mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I can't take it another day.

On top of that, the fertility (or lack there of) issue weighs on me. Twenty-one months we've been trying to get pregnant. And I try to smile and be optimistic, because I know that no matter what we do, it all happens on God's time, not mine. But I feel like a failure. I've failed at making Dallas a dad, I've failed at making my mom, Celia, and Steve grandparents. I've failed at making myself a mom. Thank goodness that Heather is making Jenny an aunt, so I'm not failing so much at that.

I'm a big emotional, stressed out, exhausted, sick of myself failure. Go me.

TTC Monday

Dang. Monday again already? Well actually, I'm writing this Sunday, but posting it Monday. Aren't you glad I'm so on top of things? Getting a post written a whole day early!

Monday.. AKA CD 42.. AKA 14 days late.. Hell.

One call into my doctor. Two whole weeks late. Three negative pregnancy tests. Four re-counting of the calendar (like I could suddenly two weeks of my life!).

The last two months that I've taken the Femara, I've been exactly 28 days. So when I realized that I was like a week late, my hopes jumped up. I mean, jumped. Like trampoline jumped. What if this was really the month?! What if this time, it ends up happy?! What if I finally get to reveal to my family and friends (and the awesome way I plan on telling them) I'm pregnant?!

And you know when you think there might be a chance that you are pregnant, you start to have symptoms, whether they are real or imaginary, they are there. What? I have heartburn? I must be pregnant! I've peed how many times today? That's a sign! Are these just regular cramps, or is my uterus preparing to grow a child?! I've pretty much driven myself insane the past week. I thought about it more than my husband things about sex. Seriously.

And then a negative test.

Oh well, okay. I'll take another one in a few days if I need to.

And then a negative test.

Okay...

So I took another test on Saturday morning. Negative. NEGATIVE? WTF?

And the few people that I've really confided in are so sweet. They are trying to keep my spirits up with stories of people who never ever test positive on a home pregnancy test. And as much as I want to believe that, its insane to think that I'm the exception to the rule. I'm just the rule. If three pregnancy tests have told me that I'm not, I'm probably not.

So today is Monday. Cycle day 42, 14 whole days late.

And I'm just ready to get whatever is going to happen to happen. Lets do this already!!

What To Do..

I'm doing some blog thinking the past few days, as another blog post of mine might have possibly contained something that could be construed as a threat of physical violence to someone who I don't even work with. (The person I was referring to in that post isn't someone I work with.)

The fact is that I don't write about work. I have in the past, but when drama went on (that had nothing to do with my blog), I went through and deleted them. I used to be at wordpress, because I could password protect individual posts. After I moved to blogspot, I deleted all the posts that had anything to do with work. I just don't need that added drama in my life. I don't write about work, or anyone at work, to protect myself.

But now, I am having to self-edit every time I write. Editing myself! Can you imagine?! I'm always worried now about what I write. Who will end up with hurt feelings? Who's going to take something the wrong way and cause problems? Who is so immature and vain that they will always think I'm talking about them when in fact it probably has zero to do with them (channelling my inner Carly Simon!)? Honestly, it makes me want to not write anymore.

I'm proud of my blog, I'm proud of the thought that I put into writing, the way that I am able to show some true emotion on it. And the thought of not writing makes me sad, but the thought of so much drama coming from what I write.

Its not effing necessary! I don't write about work, I don't use names unless I have asked them and they said it was okay, I don't use obscene language (maybe just some obscene letters), and I don't make fun of people. I write about me, my life, and what I am feeling about things.

Short of deleting this blog, I'm not sure what to do.

**This is not a post about how I'm mad at anyone in particular. I'm glad when things get brought to my attention, because I honestly hate hurting or upsetting anyone. Its just a post about being frustrated.**

TTC Monday

So Thursday is the big doctor's appointment day. I'm getting all of my info and stuff together for our meeting. My charts, my concerns, my questions... Hopefully leaving my tears at home. But it's so emotional for me to be struggling so much with this. It's so self-esteem dousing to think that I am a failure at what my body was meant to do.

My body was designed for child bearing, thats why the seed was planted. And my body is not working!

Ugh!

Goodbye Dr. Weirdo

As you know, I have migraines. Big, bad, mean, debilitating migraines. They wreak havoc on my life. They make me so sick I can't move, they make just opening my eyes a task. And they make me kinda bitchy. They just suck. I have been seeing a neurologist basically since I was 17 or so. As of lately, I can't find a neurologist that helps me. I had one for a few years, and I liked him well enough, but he wasn't helping me. The next one I had told me he couldn't help me and I needed to find a new one. My current one (we'll call him Dr. Weirdo) doesn't listen to any thing that I say (check out this post). When I call on Day 4 of my migraine with no relief, he tells me to go the ER. When I call on Day 1 of my migraine that is resisting my meds, he tells me it's too soon to help.

I've been seeing Dr. Weirdo since April, Ive had 4 or 5 visits. The first visit, I was feeling good when I left, he asked a lot of questions, explained to me why he was changing my medicines. I had hope. The visits after that have not left me feeling that good. I've gone through the sticking up for him phase, I dont know why I feel it necessary to do that, but I do. The giving him the benefit of the doubt phase. I brought my mom with me last time to see if maybe I was just too sensitive. But now, at almost the beginning of November, just seven months after first seeing him, I don't want to go back. I cancelled my appointment with him on Monday. I was toying with whether or not I would go back. When they called to confirm my appointment, I was immediately sick to my stomach with anxiety about having to go back to him. Waste my time and my money on someone who doesn't listen to me, doesn't help me.

My mom wants me to try to go to OU (University of Oklahoma) Medical Center, since that is a university hospital. Maybe they will treat the big picture, not just pigeonhole me into a diagnosis I got when I was 17. Maybe there is something else going on!

My question is, how long do you give someone a chance to work out? Am I being too hasty in my decision? Maybe he needs more time? How long is long enough? How do I go about find a new doctor?

Sad State

I'm no stranger to the migraine game, I've been dealing with them for a long while. The older I get, the worse they seem to get. And right now, its ridiculous. In August, I have been to emergency three different times. And last night they made me wait two hours, "to make sure I wasn't just a drug seeker". It is embarrassing. They tell me I need to get help from my neurologist, that's what I try to do! My neuro always tells me to go to the emergency room when my Treximet doesn't work, and it only works about 50% of the time. I called my neurologist today, left a message, stating that I needed help, I shouldn't be reduced to having to go somewhere for help three times in a week, I can't afford it, and its not right. He called me back and left a voicemail telling me that I probably need to add a different medication, and to get in to see him soon and we can discuss it. I don't want to discuss medication, I want help! I need a back up/rescue/HELP ME plan! I need to feel normal!

I can feel the depression starting, I'm tired and I'm frustrated. I don't know how to word what it is that I am feeling, I just want to cry. Everyday. Even when my head doesn't hurt, because I know that it will hurt. I'm going to try to formulate a plan.. Hopefully with help from my neurologist, because I can't do it on my own.

Maybe I'm not wording my questions and problems correctly to my doctor, and that's why I'm not getting any help.. How would you word it?