Monday, August 23, 2010

TTC Monday

The hardest day in my journey to have a teacup human was Thursday. That was also the day that my sister had her baby, my niece Bailey (my little glow-worm!). She's amazing. Heather and Bailey are amazing. And I'll tell you this, I LOVE my sister.

I know you're thinking, jeez Sharon, everyone loves their sister, but no, I really love my sister. Sure, theres times that I want to wring her neck or accidently kick her in the shins, she is my sister after all. But as we get older, those times are few and far between.

My emotions on Thursday were divided into four equal parts: Happiness, Sadness, Fear, and Guilt. Those are all pretty strong emotions on their own, but together, it really turned me into a water faucet.

Happiness: Of course I was happy! My little sister was about to make me an Aunt, and since I have an Aunt Sharon myself, I know how awesome I get to be. My little sister, the one I used to play house with, of course I was usually the mom, but sometimes we were neighbors and had our dolls as children, the one who shares all of my childhood memories, the one who I used to take care of like she was my own when she was born (I was a year and a half.. lol.), was bringing a life into this world. Bringing miss Bailey into this world where there was already SO many people who loved her. It was an awe-inspiring moment. This doesn't happen every day people!

Sadness: Anyone who has been through even one month of trying to conceive knows how sad it can make you when someone else has your dream come true. It doesn't matter how much you love them, or how happy you are, part of you is sad. And when you've been trying for a while, it just adds another degree to that sadness.

Fear: Oh, the fear. Its almost indescribable. The fear is like a black hole sucking in everything else around it. It goes so deep that you can't even feel all of it, and that's a good thing, because if you did, you'd be committed. The fear that that I will never have this moment. This moment of excitement, this moment of my whole family waiting with me to meet the newest addition to our lives, this moment of joy when he/she finally makes their entrance into the world. Sure, there is always adoption, and that will be great too, but it won't be THIS moment. The fear is so scary, and so easy to get lost in if you let yourself.

And Guilt: The tremendous guilt for feeling anything OTHER than happiness. It wasn't fair to Heather, to Jenny, to my mom for me to feel the way I did. They shouldn't have had to give a second thought to how I was doing. I should have been the LAST thing on their mind. But I wasn't. They all made sure I was okay. That's absurd, I was not the one admitted to the hospital in labor. I was just the poor sister who wishes she was. I don't think that I will be able to forgive myself for a while, I felt selfish. It was unintentional, of course. I can't control how I feel.

But I did control how I acted. I got a handle on myself before I went to the hospital, and when I felt that my tears were going to come, I made sure I was out of the room. I'm proud of myself for that.

I will forever remember holding Heather's hand, telling her she was going to do great, and her telling me the same thing. I don't know if she remembers it. But it meant the world to me. She shouldn't have had to give me a mini pep talk, but she did. And I love her for that.

And I love her for the talk we had on Saturday, while her husband slept in the chair, and Bailey radiated cuteness from her bed, or in our arms. She doesn't expect me to be happy all the time, she lets me be sad when I need to be sad, or to vent my frustrations. She understands that I'm not upset with her, or at her for getting there before me. I guess its because she's my sister. She gets me.

And, here she is with my little glow-worm.




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3 comments:

  1. I had the SAME issue arise a month ago when my husbands brother's wife gave birth to our niece. It was just so incredibly emotional.

    You truly are so admirable though. I know it's not easy but you are going to be a fabulous aunt and your precious little niece will have some awesome cousins soon, I know it!!

    *hugs*

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  2. Hey Hey,
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    Love,
    Jess

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