TTC Monday

My heart is aching today.

Sometimes, I get the overwhelming feeling that all this struggling is in vain, and the only thing I'll have to show for the two years spent is surgery scars, a shattered heart, tons of empty pill bottles and a jillion pee strips. See whats missing there? A baby.

Sometimes, the feeling that I will never get a chance to be the awesome mom that I know I will be. I'll have to use my mothering skills on pets and dolls or something. I'm going to be the person you hear about on TLC or Discovery, the people with strange obsessions stemming form a traumatic experience in their life. My family will be embarrassed by me, and my emotional breakdowns over seeing a tiny shoe on the ground. My husband will wonder what he got himself into. "When I married her, she was totally normal!"

Sometimes, I feel okay about the possibility of nothing having kids. You know, I'll get to sleep in when I want. I'll get to just get up and go when I want. I won't have to worry about college funds. And then I remember that none of that matters to me. The chance to have a child with my nose and feet and Dallas's sense of humor and ears is what matters to me. Molding a little person into a productive big person is what I want. Someone to pass the traditions of our family on to theirs. The chance to have grandchildren. That is whats important.

Today, I feel broken.