Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Let Down

I had such high hopes for this cycle. Everything was going good, I started doing the OPKs a few days ago. I started seeing the line darken, but never got as dark as the test line. Maybe half as dark. That was yesterday. I was so excited! It was getting darker, so I just knew that today it would be there and I'd have a positive OPK!

Wrong.

Today, there was a line so faint I almost couldn't see it.

That has to mean that we're on the downhill slide of whatever LH mountain I was on. And it never peaked. Its like I missed the ski lift taking me to the top.

I'm so disappointed. Maybe I should be glad that this disappointment happened now instead of in a couple weeks. Maybe I should be glad that I've only been trying for two years, when I know there are people who've been trying way longer. Maybe I should count my blessings, because I know that there are people out there with real problems. Life threatening problems. Maybe I'm being a big baby.

Maybe.

But I don't care. I hurt. Right now, my heart hurts so bad that I can't feel anything else but hurt and anger. I didn't even get a chance this time. I'm mad.

How do I, and anyone else on this long struggle with fertility, go on?

Tonight hurts too much.

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4 comments:

  1. i know you hurt...and you CAN go on. You have to. You can't give up on everything because it's just not happening right now. I worked with 2 people and I went to college with 1 girl that all had tried for 7-11 years to get pregnant. 2 had in-vitro...which is expensive and insurance dosen't pay for it...however, they did it and had normal pregnancies and babies. The one that tried for 11 years had given up. Then it happened. Funny how that works. I'm still prayin for ya and keepin my fingers crossed. But you just can't give up and let this get/keep you depressed. Let your feelings get hurt, and go on. Trust me...i'd given up too. That's why i quit taking all the medication i was on, and was going to do the surgery that had been thrown around in conversation. Then it happened. Don't know why things happen the way they do...they just do.

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  2. I'm sorry. Yes, there are people dealing with other troubles. Don't let that take away from your hurt. You have a right to feel your hurt. Don't hide it. Trying to hide it will only hurt more. Hang in there, and don't give up.

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  3. I guess I should clarify.. I'm not giving up. Dallas and I aren't giving up. I just took yesterday's disappointment so hard. Every cycle that I don't get pregnant on is one closer to being told that I can't get pregnant at all. And to have the chance at it taken away this month just breaks my heart.

    We're not giving up. And even if we get the news that its just not possible for me, we're already talking about adoption and looking into a couple options.

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  4. Sharon, Friday I had a Thermal Balloon Ablation to burn out my uterus, which means no more children for me (I'm 35yo-never-married-single mom with a 5yo son). My pregnancy was high-risk and I birthed him a month early. and due to my Chronic Illnesses, I was told it would be dangerous to have anymore. Anyway, after my surgery on Friday, a peace overcame me. And believe it or not, I thought of YOU. I thought of you and your struggle, your tears and your strength and reminded myself that I was still a woman. That if you had the strength to continue on, then so did I. We are women. And no surgeries or disappointments can take that away. We will be victorious. And you will be a mom, that I am sure of. Thank you for being so open with your story. It inspired me in a most uncertain moment. No. Matter. What. We. ARE. Women. Givers. Of. Life. In. All. Sorts. Of. Ways. That. Cannot. Be. Taken. From. Us. XOXOXO… YOUR TWITTER PAL, MissNikkiAnn

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