Sunday, November 7, 2010

Like Otis Sang, I've Got Dreams..

I've always had vivid dreams. As long as I can remember. Most of the time, they are scary dreams, I dream a lot about being stabbed. Lately thought, I've had dreams about trying to get pregnant. They're so real that I have those few moments of confusion when I wake up.

A couple times, Ive had a dream that its either Christmas or my birthday, and my whole dining table is covered in wrapped presents for me. Like a mountain of boxes and bows. I start to open them, and they are all Ovulation Predictor Kits. All of them.

Last night I dreamt that I was at my doctors office, telling him about my puppy, and he stopped me and says "Sharon, I need you to pee on this."

Um, okay.

So I went and peed on this stick, and set it on the counter and waited. In my dream my eyes wouldn't focus on the words that were coming up in the display window, so I was panicking. When I was finally able to read it, it said "Sharon, you're pregnant. But you can't tell anyone out loud. You can only write it on use sign language." I left the bathroom and showed it to my doctor, and he said that the stick was true. And I could leave. So in my dream I spent the rest of it trying to decide who I was going to write a note to and tell them I was pregnant.

It was strange, but so real.

Last  night, when Dallas came home from work, he asked me if I was okay. I thought it was a strange question, because usually when I don't feel good, I tell him. But I felt fine yesterday, I deep cleaned our whole apartment, and put make up on. He said that he didn't mean physically, he meant emotionally. I told him that I was fine for the moment, not that it wouldn't change tomorrow, or later in the evening, or the next minute. He was bothered by my reaction to my sister showing pictures of my niece on Friday night at my company's annual party. I told him, and I've tried to explain to anyone close to me, that if I don't want to see them right then, it doesn't mean that I'm not happy, that I don't love her more than words, or that I'm mad. It just means that at that exact moment, my emotions aren't up the task.

Had I been at home, or at her house, or it was just us four out doing something, it would have been no big deal. But being in a room full of all my co-workers and their spouses, losing my cool and bawling wasn't the way I wanted to spend the evening. Add the Femara into my mix of emotions, and I can lose it at just about anything.

I hope that my sister understands, I've tried my best to explain.

Dallas suggested last night that maybe I need to talk to someone professionally, so that I don't let all this build up inside and change who I am as a person. He was talking about the fertility struggle. He said, "Now I don't think you're crazy or anything. I just think you might need someone other than me to talk to about it!" Honestly, I've thought about seeing a therapist or councilor, or someone. Not just because of this struggle, but my anxiety and frustration in general. More days than not, I feel like my insides are about to explode.

My work has a really good mental health benefit, and I've talked to one of my co-workers before about it. She's noticed my constant worrying and anxiety, and has also suggested that I talk to someone. So I think that I am going to look into what exactly the benefits are and go from there.

If two separate people tell me I need help.. Maybe I do.

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