Remember Me?

So, its been a while since I've blogged, hasn't it. A little explanation.. It seems like I only feel like writing when I'm sad, and I get tired to reading about my sadness, so I can't imagine that anyone else like reading about it either. When I'm happy, words don't come to mind as easily.. I get creative in other ways.. I've taken up drawing, painting more, using oil and soft pastels, and of course making jewelry.

When last we really spoke (you know what I mean), my husband was fixing his low testosterone, and getting everything checked out. You'll be glad to know that he's all fixed up, and we are on the TTC train again. What does that mean? It means that I'm back to temping, charting, monitoring everything. Metformin and Clomid. Hormones, emotions, stress.. and hope.

Hope?

Scary thing, hope is.

I pray that my hope is not in vain, and it will pay off for me sometime sooner rather than later. I pray that I can keep my sanity (and maybe my sense of humor?) during this length of the journey. I pray that if it does happen for us, that its goes all the way for us, I don't know that I could come back from the depths of despair again. I pray that my friends and family have patience with me, that they try to keep my feelings and past/present situations in mind before judging me for outward reactions to things. I pray for the strength to make it through this. And mostly, I pray that none of my family or friends ever have to pray for these same things for themselves. I don't wish infertility on anyone. Ever. The hard part should be deciding that you're ready to be a parent, not actually becoming one.

I ran across a quote that has stuck with me the past few months..

"The world may be broken, but hope is not crazy." - John Green

One Step Forward..

Two steps back.

Most of last year, I was broken. So deep that I wasn't sure I'd ever feel normal again. I know thats common after loss. It took some time, but I did eventually pull myself out of the hole I was in. I finally got to a point, emotionally and mentally, where I was ready to start trying to conceive again. I made an appointment with my doctor, and went over all of my questions and concerns. He gave me the green light, and told me that he didn't think it would take long. Now that my body knows what is supposed to happen, it might work a little better this time around.

Our plan was to try naturally for 4 cycles. If we weren't pregnant in that time, I would start taking the medication again and try for another 4 cycles. Or if I didn't get a positive OPK in the first 2 cycles, I would start the medicine.

I was feeling good about it. I had a positive outlook, knew that 2012 would be our year to have our little teacup human.

And then my husband came home one day after work and told me that he made a doctor's appointment. "Why", I asked. He tells me that he's been having issues for a little while, and he wants to get them checked out. The doctor tells us that he has an infection, either in the prostate or the bladder. And that he has pretty low testosterone.

Really? Didn't see that coming. He was referred to a urologist, to get some more blood work done. The newest blood work showed that his testosterone was really low, and they can't treat it how they want since we are trying to get knocked up. So they put him on some pills that are supposed to help his body produce more testosterone. And they are going to do a semen analysis. He'll drop off his, erm, stuff, on Tuesday. And then two weeks after that he'll drop off another sample. And then again two weeks after that. So we'll see what that has to tell us. He has to have blood work done in about 4 weeks, to make sure that the medication he's taking isn't doing too much. It takes almost 3 months for the meds to take full effect, so we're on hold until it gets all taken care of.

I'm hoping for good news, because it just feels sometimes like I'm being slapped in the face with all of this. Ya know, I'm almost 29, I'm married to the love of my life, I have a job and a stable life, and I can't get and stay pregnant. And then you have all these skanky crack-whore teenagers getting themselves knocked up and becoming reality TV stars, having their kids taken away. It just doesn't seem right.

I asked him what it was that he was taking..

Clomid. (hahaha).

The Post In Which I Apologize

As I get closer to what was my estimated due date, I can't help but think about what I should be doing right now.. What I should be feeling. Today, November 6th, I should be 39 weeks and 2 days. Almost to the end of the forty week journey. My cookie should almost be done.

I'm sure I'd be on the wrong side of comfortable. I'd be wondering if every twitch and twang was the "it". I'd have my bag packed and plan of attacked written and posted. Maybe I'd be making any finishing touches on the nursery. And probably refolding blankets and stuff.

But I'm not.

For the most part, I've made peace with the situation. It sucks, bad. But it is what it is.. Sure, I have moments of weakness, and I still have some "why" moments, but who wouldn't?

I see all the casino and car sales commercials boasting how 11/11/11 will be a great day for a sale and the luckiest day of the year. For me, its the date that should have been the happiest day of my life. Now its just a constant reminder of what I don't have to look forward to.

My feelings and emotions have hurt others in the past, so I do try my hardest to keep them in check. I'm taking this time to apologize in advance. This week could be hard on me, and while I'll try my best to keep myself under control, I can't make any promises. It'd be awesome if no one held my feelings and reactions against me. Just bear with me, I won't always be this way.

The Post Where I Sound Really Whiney and Selfish..

So you're forewarned, no bitching about it later.

Apparently, at some point, I did something to really piss the universe off. Maybe I called its mom a whore, maybe I cut it off in morning traffic. I'm not sure of the action, but I'm damn sure of the result.

The universe is shitting on me. Since April, its just felt like a non-stop shit storm.

Sounds pleasant, huh?

First we lost our baby. It took a toll. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Add on daily severe migraines, which leads to not having any money. Always worrying when I get sick if its going to keep us from being able to pay our bills just makes things worse. And its a constant worry.

I rescheduled my sinus surgery to get rid of the chronic staph infection. The surgery went well, it hurt, a lot, but things were looking good.

Until the third, and what was supposed to be final, post-op visit. They were going to go in, make sure it was a clean and shiny in there. And it was.. And then she says to the PA student shadowing her "Come over here and take a look at this. See that right there? That shouldn't be there." Cue the panic. Turns out, that in the two weeks since my previous visit, I've managed to grow a cyst/polyp almost the size of a golf ball in my sphenoid sinus cavity. The very same cavity that they just surgeried.

What. The. Frick.

Seriously. How does something grow from nothing to a golf ball in two weeks? And WHY is anything growing in there, they JUST cleaned it all out, scraped and drilled and cleaned!

Treatment for now: MORE antibiotics and MORE steroids. I have to get an allergy scratch test done in a couple weeks. Its a long shot, but theres a chance that even though I don't get allergy symptoms like runny nose and sneezing, maybe I have a lot of allergies, causing more mucus and inflammation way up in there. Maybe. Then I will see the doctor and hope that its gone down in size (or away!). Who knows.

So I've been dealing with that. And the mega non-migraine headaches that go along with it. Just waiting.

Waiting for things to get better, or to get worse.

And then they got worse.

I was in a car wreck, while driving my mom's car back to her house. It wasn't my fault, the other guy hit me in the side. He's okay. I'm okay. Physically. I'm in a LOT of pain, where my seat belt held me in my seat. And my neck hurts.

Mentally and emotionally, I'm a mess. I feel beaten down and broken. I don't know how to pull myself up out of this hole I'm in. I need a break from the bad. I need the universe to pick on someone else for a while.

Please?

Life Part 2: Who I Want to Be

I've been thinking a lot about who I want to be. Sometimes, I'm so tired of being me that it brings me to tears. And then I'm mad at myself for crying over something so silly, ya know?

I want to be strong. Emotionally, Mentally, and Physically.

I want to be smarter. I want to be smart enough to know what people mean, instead of just what they say.

I want to be a mom. So bad, it hurts. Daily.

I want to have thicker skin. I don't want to feel every single wound, whether it was done purposely or not.

I want to be able to express myself accurately, without so much emotion. I want people to understand why I feel the way I feel, then maybe they would think twice in the future.

I want to be able to use my creativity in everything I do.

I want to be motivated, and have the determination to finish everything that I start.

Mostly, I want to be the best wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, grand-daughter, friend, co-worker and mom that I can be.

Life Part 1: Who I Am

This morning I woke up, after having a semi-broken heart for the past few days. I didn't get out of bed right away, I just laid there. Thinking about life. Thats not really new to me, I think all the time. I think too much. I'm inside my head too much.

Life Part 1: Who I Am

I'm a wife, a daughter, a big sister, an aunt, a cousin, a niece, a grand-daughter, a best friend, a co-worker, an almost mom.

I'm a migraine warrior.

I have a lack of fertility.

I'm a feeler. I feel things too deeply sometimes. I take things too much to heart. But that happens because I put my all into everything that I do.

I'm thoughtful. Sometimes to my own detriment, as most people are not as thoughtful towards me as I am. I end up with hurt feelings most of the time.

I'm an artist.

I'm a music lover. Music speaks directly to my heart and soul. Music can perfectly match my mood, it can bring me out of a funk, it can help me relax.

I'm a dweller. I dwell on the past. Whether its ancient history, or a hurt I felt yesterday. I have a hard time healing from wounds.

I'm friendly. To a fault. I don't always remember that not everyone is like me. So I've picked the wrong people to befriend more than a few times, and I've ended up burned.

I'm funny, a good cook, an awesome laugher, and I'm great at hanging out.

These are all the things that I know that I am.

But, I've recently learned that I am something that I never wanted to be. I'm apparently such a mess, that everyone has to walk on eggshells around me. People are afraid to say things, either to me, or where I might see them, because of how I might react. I don't recall ever going completely insane over something that someone said. Sure, I've had hurt feelings, but doesn't everybody?  I've never wanted anyone to have to censor themselves because of me, and to find out that they all have to.. well. It hurts.

I don't think that they should have to do that. I never asked them to. In fact, I've said it more than a few times that I don't want that. They do it on their own, and then blame me for it. Say what you want to say. I want you to be you. I want you to be able to say anything. And if I do get upset, let me get upset. I'll be over it soon. Have respect for my feelings, let me feel them for as long as I need to. And just as I want you to express your opinion, I want you to want me to express mine. Just because they might differ doens't mean we can't still be friends.

Ewwe

In two weeks I'm having surgery.

Again.

On my sinuses.

Again.

If the first doctor had done it right the first time, I wouldn't have to go through it again. All I can really remember from my first sinus surgery is throwing up blood, bleeding from my tear ducts (My friend Angela's favorite story..) and the pain.

Oh, the pain.

This new doctor is really nice. He says that he doesn't pack noses. I'm SO thankful for that, because I remember the packing, two huge Teflon coated gauze ropes in each side of my nose. I don't even know how they both fit up there. I just remember him ripping them out, and I was sure he pulled some of my brain out with them. I have asked my doctor specifically about the packing, several times. So, if I wake up with a packed nose, I will not be a happy patient.

I'm hopeful.

But, I'm trying to not put all my hopes on this surgery. Right now, I'm running around with a chronic sinus infection. Chronic staph infection. BY MY BRAIN. This cannot be a good thing. We are hoping that getting rid of that infection, and opening up the sinus cavity so it won't get infected again will help with my migraines. At this point, a 1% improvement would be welcome.

He also has to saw out a bone up there. Did you know that when bones are exposed to chronic infection, they get thicker? I was not aware. I have a bone somewhere up there that is like 10-15% thicker than it should be, and he has to saw that out. He is also going to straighten my septum, which is crooked like a Z.

This does not sound like fun.

But, it will be worth it in the long run.

And after this surgery? We are back to trying to make a baby..

Today

Sometimes it takes me by surprise how suddenly the grief and sadness pops back into the forefront of my mind. Its always in the background, the little twinge that threatens to send me into tears. I've managed to keep them hanging back there most days.

Today is apparently not one of those days.

Today the tears are very much at the edge of my tear ducts ready to fall. I wish I could say what triggered them, but I'm not really sure. I woke up this way.

Today, I should be 22 weeks pregnant. Maybe I should forget that, but I can't. I'm sad about all the stuff I am missing out on. I'm sad about all the stuff I didn't get to see, hear, feel. I'm sad that this is such a common occurrence for people.

Today, I just hurt.

Back in the Saddle

And I'm holdin' the reigns..

Well, those are song lyrics. An old country song I used to listen to. Good ole Blackhawk. They had this one song about a "big red goodbye in lipstick on the wall", that was my favorite growing up. Anyway, I got sidetracked..

I miss blogging.

I used to be good at it, ya know. Well, good in my opinion. Hopefully I will get good at it again, start writing stuff that people actually want to read. Maybe increase my readers. Become a famous blogger (Dooce style!). Be a guest on a talk show. Get my own sit-com. Be this generation's Lucille Ball..

Oh, to dream..

But for real, I do want to blog more. So what am I going to do about it? I'm going to get my Google on. I'm going to find one of those 30 days of blog topic thingies. Maybe just getting in the habit of doing it daily will help. And I'm going to find my 101 in 1001 goal list, and see what I can do, write about, and cross off.

Basically, I'm going to get my ass in gear and get to blogging. Because, I've missed ya'll!

What Have I Been Up To?

Well, since I've had a couple months off from temping and checking CM (if don't know, don't ask, cuz you don't want to know), you might think I've just been hanging out, doing nothing. But you'd be wrong. I've kept myself really busy with various projects. Mostly to keep my mind occupied, so I can avoid those not fun thoughts of recent events.

I've started couponing. I wouldn't dare say I am "extreme" but, I'm so far I like it. I saved $16 off my last grocery trip with coupons! I'm still learning and building up my coupon stock piles and organization system. I'm going to go to a coupon class this month too. Its been a good distraction, and it saves me money!

But what I've reeeeeeally been up to the past month or so, is making jewelry. I've always thought it would be fun, and my mom is still finding Lisa Frank beads around from when I make necklaces and bracelets as a kid (gals, you know what I'm talkin about..). This time around, its real beads and wire and designs. I'm completely in love with it. I've already had my first commissioned designs, my friend bought all the beads she wanted and left me to create her some treasures. These are what I've made so far:

These ones were made for my friend Jennifer.

I made two of these, a matching set for my friend Tami and her daughter.

I think that it would be awesome to eventually be able to sell them.. Some extra pocket money :)

Two Months

Two months ago, I got the call. The call that I’m pretty sure stopped my heart for a few minutes. The call that I was terrified I would get. I’m not going to go on about what happened and how it happened because I’ve already done that. It was a sucky day that lead to a sucky weekend that’s lead me through a sucky two months.


Two months and a day ago, I was so filled with joy and hope. I was looking forward to my future as a mom, to our future as parents. My husband picked me up from work that Thursday, we went to the compound pharmacy to pick up some progesterone. My sister called it “Vag Candy”, my husband and I laughed about it while we were waiting. Then we went to dinner. I was telling him that I was excited about my shirt, because the way it fit, I’d be able to wear it pretty far into the pregnancy. We were trying to think of relatives that had blue eyes, to see if maybe there was a chance we’d have a blue eyed angel. On the drive home I told him how happy I was that I would get to celebrate Mother’s Day this year, and that he’d get to do the same for Father’s Day. We talked about how we liked the bigger two bedroom apartments, even though the pantry was smaller. He said his brother would help us move so that I didn’t have to do any lifting, I could just direct. I was thinking of holiday traditions we’d get to continue on and start new this year.

I was planning ahead, planning our future.

And then the next day, none of that mattered.

I spent the next two months looking at the past. The contrast in my train of thoughts is so different, it scares me. I still worry that I won’t be able to get back to who I was. Yes, I’ve been getting better slowly, day by day. But I would be lying if I told you that I was as okay and happy as I act. I’m not. I don’t want to be confronted about how I feel. I don’t want to be told that someone is worried or thinks that I am too depressed. I don’t want people to worry about me; people have enough things to worry about without adding me to their list. So I fake it, sometimes I can fake it so well I think that I might be that okay. But I’m not.

I am still a mess. A mess that no quicker picker upper can clean up.

The past haunts me, and the future escapes me.

Mother's Day

Its been a rough week for me, I'm sure its because its been leading up to Mother's Day. When I found out I was pregnant, I was so excited to be able to celebrate this specific holiday. Like I'd been waiting in line to get awesome concert tickets but never made it to the ticket window, and then finally, I was there. And I got front row tickets.

And then those tickets were stolen.

My blood work on Thursday showed that my hcg numbers were down to zero. There are no more pregnancy hormones. My first pregnancy lasted less than two months from beginning to very end. Sad.

A friend of mine sent me a poem that describes so perfectly how I've been feeling. When I read it yesterday, I couldn't stop the tears, which turned into sobs. Here is the poem..

People don't understand...

why I miss you so much...

they've never had a baby...

they could not touch.

I never got to hear you cry...

dry the tears from your face...

or watch mommy dress you up...

in clothes made from lace.

To hold you once...

on my chest while you sleep...

I long for that moment...

it's hard not to weep.

To hear your giggle...

count your fingers and toes...

do up your hair...

with ribbons and bows.

Oh the longing at times...

is selfish I know...

people wonder about me...

when there is nothing to show.

But we know you're there...

awaiting the day...

when God brings us home...

forever we'll stay.

We miss you...you see...

the reason for this...

just thought you should know...

we send up a kiss.

Until then God promised to keep you...

safe and warm in his lap...

then it's forever...

on my chest you will nap...

Music In My Soul

Thanks to a lovely woman, friend and co-worker, I have the new Bowling For Soup album (Fishin' For Woos). I've been a huge fan for a long time, I love their music.. This song took me by surprise. It hit me and then I was in tears. It applies so directly to my life, its so beautiful it hurts.

"Turbulence"

It's so hard to figure out

Which way to turn

There's no going back now

All your bridges burned

The stars are gonna shine on you

If you can get through the day

Storm clouds all around you

But a blue skies on the way.

And we're all just passengers tonight

And we're all just traveling through our lives

We will reach our destination

So just hang on for the ride

Say a prayer and close your eyes

It's just a little turbulence.

Take a look around you

Look how far you've come

Your whole life in front of you

You've only just begun

We've all got our problems

But they're just bumps in the road

If you only keep on fighting

There's no where you can't go.

And we're all just passengers tonight

And we're all just traveling through our lives

We will reach our destination

So just hang on for the ride

So say a prayer and close your eyes

Its just a little turbulence.

This life can be so crazy

Can spin out of control

But I hope that all your dreams come true

Cause you know that you're amazing

And no matter where you go

I'll be there for you

We can make it through.

And we're all just passengers tonight

And we're all just traveling through our lives

We will reach our destination

So just hang on for the ride

Say a prayer and close your eyes

Its just a little turbulence.

And we're all just passengers tonight

And we're all just traveling through our lives

We will reach our destination

So just hang on for the ride

Say a prayer and close your eyes

Its just a little turbulence.

 

Weeks

Yesterday afternoon was the three week mark from the phone call from the nurse. Who was just so calm in telling me that my pregnancy wasn't viable and I needed to go to the hospital immediately. There was a millisecond when I thought (or hoped) that it was an April Fool's joke. But nobody is that cruel. Ya know, I didn't even really tell anyone that day because I thought they might think for a minute that I was joking.

It feels like its been months, not a few weeks. I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last three weeks. My heart doesn't ache any less than it did that afternoon. The physical pain is mostly gone, and I am thankful for that.

I get the feeling that some people think that I should be over it by now. No one has really said it, but I can tell by some of their looks. Not from any of the people that matter. My people are awesome. My people don't expect me to be back to my happy bubbly self all the time already. My people let me feel how I am feeling. My people don't pretend to know or pretend to care how I feel. My people know that while Baby Angel wasn't technically a baby in the medical terms, in my terms it was my child. And my people wouldn't expect anyone who has lost a child to be over it in just three weeks.

I've had a hard time not being able to be there for my people lately. I'm usually there to listen to them when they are upset, or to offer suggestions, maybe even just a hug. And my people are sad about this too, this wasn't just my baby, this was their grandbaby, their niece/nephew, etc. and they are mourning as well. But I don't have the capacity to be there for them. I wish I did, I'm good at that. I can't help them feel better about this, because I still feel broken. I can look at the bright sides all day long, but compared to the black hole of sadness and anger I feel, the brights seem really dim. To my people - I'm sorry I wasn't able, and am not able, to help you all through this. I do know that you're mourning too.

Emotionally I'm a little better. I don't break down nearly as often has I was. I still cry daily, but I can usually keep it together until I'm at home or at least not in the middle of a conversation. Mentally I'm a mess. I feel like I'm always a mess mentally, and this has really just added to the anxiety, stress, and fear that goes on in my head on a daily basis. What if I'm not strong enough to try again? What if I find the strength to try again, and this happens again? What if I find the strength to try again only to find out that this was my only time to be pregnant, I was only meant to experience it once? What if I can't come back from this and be ME again? I know that its useless to play "what if". I just feel like I have no control. No control over whats going on, no control over how I feel, no control over what I want to do.

Physically, I'm playing the waiting game. I prayed so hard that my hcg numbers would double and they didn't. Now it seems like I'm praying they will go back down to zero so I can be done making trips to the doctor every week. The pain in my arm from needle sticks is a constant reminder that I'm in the middle of a nightmare. I'm sleeping a little better, but my dreams are still bad. I'm pretty sure that my hair and skin can feel the effects of how I feel, because they are blah as well.

Lost

I want to apologize for any woman I've known who has gone through a miscarriage. Whether it was a sudden surprise miscarriage, or an induced miscarriage like mine. I have felt so bad for my friends who have gone through it, but I don't think I felt bad enough. There was no way I could have felt bad enough without knowing the pain that they were going through. And no one should ever have to go through this pain.

The physical pain is excruciating. It doesn't let up. My doctor gave me some pain meds, and that helps somewhat, but at the end of the day, I can barely walk to bed it hurts so bad. And this is where I sort of contradict myself.. In a way, the physical pain, as horrible as it is, is kind of comforting. It lets me focus on something other than my broken heart. It lets me know that there was actually something living and trying to grow inside me. There was a life in there. I know, that's kind of weird.

The emotional pain is not describable. I haven't felt this sad and depressed since my Poppy died. My Poppy was the most important man in my life and when he left, I was lost. Today I feel lost.

Lost.
Mad.
Confused.
Sad.
Hurt.
Broken.

I don't blame God. I don't hate God. I'm not even mad at God. I'm confused by God. I know He has a plan, and for whatever reason, this is part of it. I just wish I knew why. I know that in the long run, this will make me a stronger person. But honestly, I feel like I've gone through more than enough obstacles in my life, I don't need to be stronger.

Through this whole nightmare that has been the past 9 days or so, my friends and family have been so supportive. Checking on me, making sure I am okay, taking me to the doctor when I need to go, picking up medicine for me when I can't. Even just letting me be upset and cry and whine and even not talk to them. And I know that they are hurting too, and I feel bad that I can't be there to support them.

I love them.

Euphemisms

For pooping. Courtesy of my husband.

Dropping a deuce.

Unloading some timber.

Plop some goodies.

Feed the toilet.

Dropping dirty bombs.

Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl.

Dropping the kids off at the pool.

And his pride and joy.. his most favorite..

Take a Gary Deucy.

You're welcome.

Peace Out 27

Well, as of today, 27 is in the history books. Twenty-eight is laid out before me. Hopefully its like the yellow brick road that will lead me to the Wizard who will grant my deepest wishes. It better not be like the red brick road, I'm pretty sure that leads to the witch's castle with all the flying monkey/men with furry hats. and I'm not down with that.

I'm not gonna lie, 27 kinda sucked. It was a year of heartache for me. But its not like me to only focus on the bad, I am naturally an optimistic person. So here I am going to be a little glass half full.

Reasons Why 27 DIDN'T Blow:

1. I made it through alive. Sure, you may take this for granted, but there are times when I don't think I'll physically survive the day.

2. I got back in touch with some old friends (I'm talkin' about you Julie (both), Matt, Shanna, Amber, Noni, and so many more!).

3. My two oldest friends had babies (Cheers to you Diana and Melissa!).

4. I became an aunt to possibly the coolest baby ever (for now anyway..).

5. Everyone else had babies (Yay Tami and Chrissy!).

6. I got cool stuff: Kindle, the penguin night light from my grandparents, DVR, my new Evo.

7. I had the constant love and support of my husband, family, and friends, for all the yucko things I was dealing with. Best part of it all.

I Know A Keeper When I Meet One

I don't have the longest or most sordid dating past. I was shy and the chubby girl, not a great combo together. That didn't stop me from telling the few people I liked that I had a crush on them. And as any shy girl knows, that's not an easy task. Not that all my efforts lead to anything but a few tears. It was really after high school that I started to date. While I may not have dated THAT many people, the few that I did go out with were, well, special. Not in a good way. I seemed to have the knack of picking the complete wrong kind of guy, or the exact right kind of guy but it wasn't mutual.

Dude 1. Called me by the wrong name most of the date.

Dude 2. He was a nice guy, a friend of the guy I was pretty sure I was gonna marry (pretty impressive for being 18 LOL). He brought me flowers, and we went to dinner and a movie. I shouldn't have gone out with him since I was so hung up on the other guy.. but he knew I was (I was totally called out at Denny's the night before). I didn't kiss him and he didn't call back.

Dude 3. By far my worst choice. I had to meet him at restaurant called Pickles so I could follow him to his house. Then I had to meet his parents. After dinner, we went back to his house and watched something on TV. I did kiss him. And right after that he said "I've been told I'm a good kisser." No, for real. He said that. He walked me out to my car and I was saying good night and then he got in my car. Surprised me. After a little more kissing, he said the strangest thing anyone has every been said to me. Ever. He goes (and I'm embarrassed writing this!), "How about a foot job?" Um, what? "You just put your bare feet together like this, and then I'll.." OH! A FOOT JOB! WTF! I politely declined saying I had to get home, it was work night after all. And then the next day he called and told me he met someone else and they were now a couple.

Dude 4. Typical date, dinner and then just driving around. I kissed him (that really makes me feel like slooty!), and seriously, after just a few minutes, he penis was out of his pants. He was so quick I didn't even see it happen, all of a sudden it was BAM! PENIS! How do you politely react to that? I'm sure I stammered and was like, oh look its time for me to go!

Luckily, my first date with Dallas was MUCH better. We met at the movie theater, we watched Hollywoodland, which if you've seen it, you know its pretty long. About five minutes before the movie ended, he asked if he could hold my hand. So sweet right? Then I went to his house, he lived with his dad at the time. On our way, he goes "I'm not going to introduce you to my dad yet, I don't want to make things weird" and wouldn't ya know, when we pulled up to his house, his dad was standing outside, so I had to meet his dad. Then we watched Ice Age. It was late when I got home, he called me about half an hour after I left to make sure I made it home alright. He's a keeper.

The Months, They Don't Matter, Its the Days I Can't Take

Day 5 of 2011.

Day 3 of this headache.

Day 1 of this cycle.

Could this Wednesday suck any more? Jeez.

The good news about all this? Since its cycle day 1, I can take whatever medicine I need to help with the migraine without worrying. Bring on the Advil, too late for triptans though..

And this afternoon, I have to go get pictures of my nose. Seems strange? Yah, I thought so too. I'm supposed to have surgery on my sinuses this month. The doctor is going to go in and open up my sphenoid cavity completely. There's a bone in there that is like 10 times the size it should be due to chronic infection. Gross. Want to know something even more gross? (Too bad, I'm telling you anyway.) I have a constant river of puss in that cavity. Gag much. And staph infection. Double gag. So we had the surgery all scheduled, and then I get a call from my health insurance saying that it needs to be predetermined. My doctor has to send up the CT pictures, his report, and then actual pictures of my nose (hopefully just outside) to the insurance company. They have to make sure the surgery is based on cosmetic ground.

My nose isn't crooked.

So this shouldn't be a problem.

But you know me, I will worry until they say its all good. Because I can't afford the surgery without it being covered, and I need the surgery, because I can't run around with a staph infection all the time. Especially so close to my brain.

And maybe getting all this fixed will help with some of my migraines.

New Year

Well, in a little less than eight hours, 2010 will be in the history books. Honestly, I'm glad to be through with it, and am trying to keep my hope that 2011 will be much better. Filled with much less heartbreak, and a lot more peace.

Really, I don't know if I am strong enough for 2011, because 2010 almost broke me. I pray for guidance and strength as we welcome in the new year, I pray that I can be as strong as my friends and family think I am. But I just don't know. If they were with me all the time, and knew how often I just sit and cry, I think their perception of my strength would change a little bit. If they knew how afraid I am inside, how much I want to run and hide from everyone and everything, I doubt strong would be a word used to describe me.

I worry that my heart is so broken, that it will never be whole again.

With mixed emotions I've read facebook updates and pictures of "Baby's first Christmas". I'm thrilled that my friends and family are getting to experience these exciting moments, and getting to have these gorgeous memories forever. I want those experiences and memories for myself. So bad that it hurts my already hurting heart.

I wish I could say that through this year, I've come out stronger and happier. What I can say this year has given me is the knowledge that I have a great family and friends. And as much as they can support me, they do.

I know everyone wants to tell me to just be thankful for what I do have, but please don't. I am thankful for every blessing given to me.