Sunday, June 19, 2016

A True Story About a Very Fake Story

Kind of long, but totally worth it.


Okay, so the other evening, I watched the first seven minutes of Walker: Texas Ranger.



I know what you're thinking.. "What the what? That show is still on?!" The answer is no, and yes. No, it’s not STILL on.. Yes, reruns play apparently on some channel I have. 


It starts out with a car chase, obvs. Two rusty old cop cars chasing a bank robber proceed to crash into each other, and the cars immediately explode. Then a big pick-up truck chasing an older Trans-Am. Walker to the rescue. 


The camera pans over to more cops who have put up a crude road block. One cop explains the sitch, the other cop says something to the effect of "Lets catch him!" and then first cop says "We may not get the chance, there’s some Texas Ranger after him". (Lets discuss that in our brains for a second.. we may not get the CHANCE.. not we may not have to, or we have help from another side of law enforcement.. No, it’s like they are upset that they may not get to crack some skulls. Hold on to the thought of how arrogant this one cop is, it'll come in handy in a minute.)


The Trans-Am comes barreling through the two cop cars, they are at least six feet apart, they both get clipped, like barely, and they both instantly explode. The cops are okay, they ran out of the way.


Pan over to a field just past the cars where we have two hot air balloons. The bank robber jumps out of his car, and highjacks one of the balloons. So in that balloon there is the bank robber, the balloon driver, and a lady who is scared to be in a balloon on the first place.


So here comes Walker, he hops out of his giant truck and runs over to the second balloon, because obviously, a balloon chase HAS TO HAPPEN. The arrogant cop from before comes running after like “oh heck no, you’re not catching this guy without my help!” (As if Walker needs his help, I mean, c’mon, has he never seen the show?!). After the cop is in the balloon, he freaks out, because as it turns out, he’s afraid of heights. He’s a brilliant decision maker, this guy. 


Balloon chase is on!


The bank robber is trying to shoot the cops, but he’s a terrible shot (he clearly went to the Storm Trooper school of target practice), and then Walker gets his winning idea. They maneuver their balloon over the other one. And he prepares to jump. The cop goes “YOU’RE GONNA JUMP?!” and Walker’s genius response is “Any other ideas?”. AND NO ONE STOPS HIM. No one is likeuh, yah, there are literally a zillion better ideas than jumping from a hot air balloon while it’s in the air.


Walker proceeds to jump from his hot air balloon, to the top of the other balloon. I’m going to let that sink in for a second. Then, he slid down the side of the balloon, like holding on to the balloon fabric, and the bank robber had no clue.  I’ve illustrated how it worked for you:


 Then he jumps into the small basket that already has three people in it, and gets into a fist fight with the bank robber. And naturally, Walker: Texas Ranger, won the argument. 


Cut to the opening credits, including the theme song that CHUCK NORRIS SINGS!


This really happened in my life. I watched all of this. And I laughed so hard. I didn’t finish the episode. It obviously couldn’t have gotten any better than that. This was majestic.


  1. Watching the episode now on Inspire channel. I watch it every night for the comic relief. And can you believe it had like a 9 year run or something. Remember the Walker Lever on Conan? If not please go on YouTube immediately.

  2. Comment about the Walker Lever is mine. Has me Unknown. If you see this please respond so we can laugh about it together

  3. Oh yeah. Don't laugh at my last name. No relation. Lol


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