My Heart Hurts

Well, anyone who knows me knows that I don't have the best relationship with my grandmother anymore, which hurts me so much I can't even put it in words. I have stressed, and worried, and cried over it. I guess that technically, the reason that our relationship is so strained is my fault, but I feel like I was justified in my actions. I lived with my Poppy and Gramma for a couple of years, and it was all good until I got a steady boyfriend that wasn't a dickface. When we first got together, she told me I'd probably break up with him because he was a nice guy, and I didn't want a nice guy. But I didn't, and then my having a boyfriend turned into a problem. She was snarky with me for not being home as much, for staying out later than usual, for smiling more often. I was growing up, and moving on with my life, and she wasn't happy about it. We got into a lot of arguments about me moving out, she was making me so miserable that I didn't even want to go home ever. So Dallas and I found an apartment and were going to move in July of 2007. She went on vacation right before that, so I had to stay and house/dog sit for her. And when she called and I was excited about getting all packed up and ready to move, she told me that she extended her vacation and would be another week. That was so frustrating.

She told me that I owed her, whenever she needed someone to stay at her house, it was my job. And between July and New Years, I house sat for her 4 times. And so you all know, when my Gramma goes on vacation, it's not like, a few days, or a week. Its WEEKS at a time, like 3+ weeks at time. Meanwhile, we were paying rent at our apartment, and still had to go there to get our mail and make sure everything was okay. And it was a hassle. We had just moved in together, making our home, and she just thought that it was a vacation for us to uproot our lives and stay at her house. It was causing issues with Dallas and me, I couldn't say no to her, I was afraid she would hate me. Turns out I was right..

So in February of 2008, she emailed me and told me she needed me to housesit again for her, she would be gone a few weeks, blah blah blah, same story. And I told her that I couldn't. I told her it cost us too much in Gas and it was a hassle to have to do all that. And she offered to give me like ten dollars a day or something like that, and then said "or is it just that you don't want to". I told her honestly. "I don't want to, it's the 5th time since July, and its a hassle" and explained everything to her.

She didn't email me back. She didnt call or anything. Since that day, she has talked to me exactly 3 times: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my wedding day. She doesn't respond to my emails, she doesn't call me back.

I'm having a Celebrating Home party in a few weeks, and I sent her an e-vite, and she checked "No", without giving an explanation. And even though I was expecting her to not go, it hurt my feelings.  I know that I should just let her be, because obviously she doesn't want to talk to me. But I know that she is lonely and depressed since my Poppy died, but she shuts me out. It's like I'm part of the family that she is embarrassed to have. Sad.

But, I can't control what other people's actions, only my own. That doesn't make it any better.