Monday, January 4, 2010

Happy Heart

No, I'm not talking about Clinique's Happy Heart perfume, though that is the kind I wear, when I wear it.

The past few days have been particularly rough for me, emotionally, which has extended into them being rough physically. My sister is pregnant, and the extreme joy and happiness I have for her is only equal to the extreme sadness and frustration that I have for me. It has me questioning everything from God's fairness to my doctor's answers. I hope that is normal. And before anyone starts preaching, please note that I'm not blaming anything on God or thinking that He has it in for me. I know that He has a plan, and no matter how much I try, I will only be given a baby when He decides its the right time for me. That doesn't help the frustration and the sadness. The feeling of failure. The feeling that I am letting everyone down by not being pregnant yet. The feeling of frustration when people ask me if I am pregnant yet, or when they tell me that I need to try harder. And to be fair, my sister doesn't have any problems like I do, so of course it happened a little easier for me. I have part of an ovary. And I don't know if when they sliced into that ovary if the eggs were damaged.

The worst part is people telling me they understand how I feel. I'm not saying that no one in the world gets it, I'm just saying that most people don't know how I am feeling. Unless you have gone through it, you don't know. Just like I would never assume to know how someone who has experienced a miscarriage feels. And I would never tell them I understand. My best friend knows how I am feeling, but she is about to give birth to her first child. And when I say about it, I mean like she's being induced tonight. Not that I think that she wouldn't want to talk to me about it, but I don't want to take away from the beautiful experience she is going through right now.

And all of this leads me to the TTC Happy Hour. I follow some people on Twitter, and I'd seen them mention it a few times, and last night I finally decided to see what its about. Its amazing. Its a chat dedicated to us that are trying to conceive. All of these girls know what I am going through, they are going through it too! Just knowing that brings a sense of peace. I'm not the only one feeling the frustration, the sadness, the questioning. I spent about an hour just chatting with these lovely ladies, and when I logged off I was actually smiling. A genuine smile. Not the smile of a girl who is humoring people. It was just so great to find a place to express my actual feelings about whats going on to people that know what I am talking about.

I'm sure there will be more about all of this a little later on. Today I made an appointment with my OB/GYN for the beginning of February, along with my newest list of concerns. Like my husband says, I don't want him to guanrantee if will happen if there is a chance that it won't.

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