My Little Boyfriend

Today my mom took three of her four foster kids to the Shriner's Circus, and I stayed and watched Tristan, the baby. He will be a year old in a couple of weeks. Because the first 9 or so months of this life were just one stressful thing after another, he doesn't look or act like he is a year old. But he is getting bigger, and his hair is starting to grow. This poor little guy has had a tough life so far, and it breaks my heart. Hopefully while he and his brother are with my mom, their parents are getting whatever help they need so that these kids have a chance at a happy healthy life. I don't think that I could be a foster parent, I get too attached, and to have to give this kids back not knowing for sure how they will fare afterwards kills me, and I'm just the foster sister.

My little Tristan is the second love of my life right now, and when I get to take care of him (even though he is a handful and a half!) makes my heart ache for my own little munchkin for me to love and teach and mold into a person. Holding him, and feeding him, and playing with him, just everything makes me feel like this really is what I am meant to do. My calling is to be a mom, and I know that I will be a good one. I can't say that I've always known I wanted to be a mom, because it wasn't until I met my husband that I knew. Before that, I didn't think I wanted any kids. I wanted to be free and all that nonsense forever. I'm sure the realization comes with age and maturity. I also think that I was subconsciously protecting myself, because we didn't know if I'd be able to have kids with my history of ovary problems. When you tell a 17 year old that, it doesn't really matter, because at 17, you're still just a kid. Now I have an amazing person in my life to share his gifts with a baby as well. Now it consumes my every day, and almost every thought.

I feel bad for Tristan, because he can't be with his family on his first birthday. I know that he won't remember it, but eventually he'll want to know how it was, or see some pictures. So I am going to throw him a small birthday party, with a cake and some hats and stuff. And some presents for him (and well probably for my mom to keep after he is gone or grows out of some stuff..). I think its important that he knows that just because we are not his family by blood, we care about him and love him just the same.