TTC Monday

I feel like I'm at the lowest point I've been at in my whole baby making journey. It seems like the stork is against me. Every time I feel like I'm on a path that might actually lead me to being the awesome mom I know that I'll be, I get derailed.

I finally ovulate and have 2 normal 28 day cycles, only to not have one at all the next month. Two weeks of taking more hormones that an already emotional girl should be taking has produced nothing more than more tears and a face resembling a map of the planet's active volcanoes. What it hasn't produced was a period. That makes this cycle day 180,452. No really, its cycle day 62.

Um, I know that I'm not really happy when I get my period, because it means that I'm not pregnant, and the cramps, moodiness, all that jazz. But since I'm NOT pregnant, I kinda need the period so I can try again. I can't do anything until it decides to make an appearance.

I always have pain in my ovary area, I just figure it comes with the territory, its had a lot of trauma in the past. I'm always acutely aware of what things feel like, and when the pain is worse that normal, or different, I know something is up. Somethings been up. I called my doctor last week, explained the pain, my history of large cysts that don't want to go away on their own. He scheduled me for an ultrasound last Thursday, which I wasn't excited about, but I know that its how I have to roll. I felt like the tech took a lot more pictures than usual, but when I asked him if he saw anything, he told me he couldn't tell me. I know the techs aren't supposed to tell you, but still, a yes or no head nod would have sufficed. I went all weekend not knowing if there was something there, or if I was just crazy.. Torture.

Then today, the nurse calls me and says that the doctor needs me to come into to see him to discuss my ultrasound results. I was like, um, was there something there? Then my doctor got on the phone and told me that he was pretty sure its a polyp, and I needed to come in so he could explain what he thinks needs to be done about it. But it not cancer.

Cancer? Who invited the thought of cancer into this conversation? It never even crossed my mind. Ever.

So. That's where I'm at. In pain. I have no idea what a polyp even is, or if it can cause damage, or what has to be done about it. I'm back to waiting. I go into his office this Thursday afternoon, hopefully my mom can go with me. A less emotional brain would probably be a good thing.

Always getting knocked down. Should I be taking these as signs that maybe I should just try to adopt? Maybe I'm not meant to have my own baby.

Or maybe I should just wait and see what the plan is.

*sigh*