I Hate Dreaming of People From My Past

I know that I'm not the only one that has things in my past that I regret. Right?.... RIGHT? Whew! Okay, good! I had a dream last night about someone from my past.. and my past is not all that busy. It reminded me of our whole non-relationship, and how I never got real closure.. This could get long..

In high school, I had a crush. Crush, future husband, obsession, call it what you want, just so long as you know what I'm talking about. I was very used to having crushes on guys who had no clue that I even breathed the same air they did. This crush was different. Somehow, and I only vaguely remember how it happened, we became friends. Pretty good friends. Thinking back, wow, I was such a.. well.. loser is probably the only word. I'm the same person I used to be, but I've learned to own it and make it my own.

I was new to the school, moving after 9th grade to a brand new town where I knew exactly zero people. He was dating a new "friend" of mine, I put it in " because it turns out she wasn't my friend at all, and its probably a good thing I learned it in high school instead of really investing in the friendship. She was cheating on him. As much as you can cheat on a high school boyfriend. I don't know the particulars of their relationship, and I don't care to. Since I was more her friend at the time, and he was just an acquaintance, I didn't tell him about it. It wasn't my place, yada yada yada.

After they broke up, and then she and I "broke up", he and I were friends. Kind of. I'm not sure how it happened. He wasn't like, super popular, he wasn't the football star, or anything like that. He was a normal guy, funny, and insanely good looking. I mean, in-fricking-sanely good looking. Classic good looks, he didn't try to be trendy, he was just himself. And his-self was awesome. We talked and hung out at school, all that jazz.

Our senior year, we got closer. We had a class together, and we sat next to each other. He teased me about the music I liked, he smiled at me. You know, all the normal signs that we were meant to be together. When I got sick my senior year, and had to have my whole stomach sliced open, I wasn't allowed to carry anything over 5 lbs for a month or so after I got back to school. And he offered to carry my books to my classes for me. Sure, he probably only did it because it meant we got to get out of our other classes 5 minutes early so that I wouldn't be bumped by anyone else. (Seriously, all my stomach muscles were sliced through, I had layers of internal stitches to worry about.)

And then I told him I liked him one night. And he said something to the effect of "You know I have a girlfriend." I knew he did. I don't even know why I told him. I was not an outgoing person like that. I kept my crushes secret! Then he and his girlfriend broke up a while later. I asked him if he wanted to go to prom with me, as friends, just so we'd have dates, ya know? He said that prom wasn't really his thing. So I went, alone. Well, with friends. But its never the same with friends who all have dates. I was like, the 7th wheel. We hung out at graduation rehearsal, and the all night function after graduation, he even let me win some games I played against him. After graduation, he invited me to hang out with him and his friends and play pool, where he basically set me up with his friend. His friend and I went on one date, and he called me as I was getting ready to leave, and said "How come you never go on dates with me?" SERIOUSLY. THAT HAPPENED! I hope I said it because he never asked, but I don't remember what my reply was.

A few years went by, we stayed friends, hanging out, talking and whatnot. Then, while I was with my best friend at her brothers graduation, I texted him to ask a question that I really didn't need to ask, I just wanted an excuse to text him.  (Remember those days? ::sigh::) Somehow, this text conversation turned into a "why don't you come over and we can hook up" conversation. I don't even know how it happened. And then I did the thing was so much unlike me, and said yes. So, I did. Not that night or anything, one day after work. At the time, I was like, excited. This was the guy that I had spent the last 6 years in serious like with. And there I was, at his apartment, watching Pardon The Interruption on ESPN, nervous as hell, fixin' to get it on with this hunk, who was also one of my closest friends. 

I'm sure you can all see where I went wrong here.

It wasn't just one time, there were plenty of others. And then it was like he didn't call or text or anything unless he wanted me to "hang out". I remember texting him at some point and telling him that I loved hanging out, but I'd love it even more if there was more to it. That never happened. I know now that I liked him too much, I couldn't get comfortable enough to really be myself, so of course there was no way that anything more than a semi-case of "friends with a couple benefits" would happen.

And then, he broke my heart for the final time. I called my friend, sobbing, knowing that I was a fool and this was really all my fault. I went to her house, we drank something with gin in it, and burned pictures of him and the first note that he wrote me (of course I kept it all those years!). Then, I moved on. Slowly. He had some new girlfriend and their cutesy pictures were all over Myspace.

I never told him exactly how I felt, and exactly how he made me feel. I felt crushed. Smashed to smitherines, broken. I was angry! During all those years, I would start to pull away from him, I would date someone else, and he would do something to reel me back in. And I just let it happen. I can't put all the blame on him, because I didn't have enough self esteem to stop it, but he knew how I felt. He had to know that every time he said something like "I wish I would have gone to prom with you", which he did, or "we should go on a date", which he did, it made me think that maybe there was a chance that something would spark between us. Unless he was stupid. Which is possible, I guess.

I'm not mad at him, we talk on occasion now, our lives took separate paths obviously. I do regret sleeping with him. But I can't regret it too much, because the whole situation helped me get to a place where I could move on. It helped me realize that we were never going to be an us. It helped me become who I am now, and thats a good thing. I know now that I would never let anything like that happen again, I would never allow myself to be so easy to sway, so easy to fool.

Or just so easy.