TTC Monday

Its no secret that lately I've been having a hard time finding my happy through all this seemingly never-ending heart break. This journey to parenthood has taken more out of me that I thought it ever could. I didn't know that even though I am happy with my life, love my husband, I have a home and a job and a family that cares, that part of me would feel so empty. I love my family, and their support and encouragement means the world to me (I count all my best friends as family too).

-Side Note- Sister, please don't read this if there's a chance that you're going to get hurt feelings because its not my intention.


Its also no secret that I am nervous about this upcoming holiday season. I don't know how I'll be able to handle the mix of emotions that will be bubbling inside of me. My grandparents are coming out to visit for Thanksgiving, and I am excited to see them, but nervous how I'm going to handle all the "oohs" and "ahs" and the "oh she's so perfect" and the "our first great grandchild from this side of the family". That is hard for me. I will be the only adult family member at my mom's house without a child. Its like a club that I'm not going to be a member of. Stop - Please don't think that I am wanting a child just to be part of a club, its just a comparison. Thanks. I'm excited for my sister for it being her first Thanksgiving as a mom, and for my niece's first Thanksgiving as a person, and my mom's first Thanksgiving as a grandmother, and my first Thanksgiving an aunt. But at the same time, I am mad. I'm mad that I don't get to have this experience this year. And that I don't know WHEN I'll get to have this experience. Mad, Sad, Excited, Tired, blah.

I saw a therapist. And he told me that all of these feelings are normal. And that yes, it sucks, and its uncomfortable to feel this way, but its completely normal.

I'm worried that I'm going to come across rude or stand-offish when all I'm really trying to do is avoid bawling like a baby in front of my extended family. Maybe I should hand out a little pamphlet on how to deal with me this holiday. I think the most important thing for everyone to understand is that just because I say "no", doesn't mean I'm mad at you, or that I don't love my niece, or whatever else awful it can be construed as. It just means that I don't want to right then. And yes, I know that its not my niece's fault that I'm struggling, and maybe not holding her right then, or feeding her right then makes her feel like I am blaming her, but I'm not. And she's 3 months, so she doesn't think its her fault. And yes, I know that its not my sister's fault that I'm struggling, and maybe not holding her daughter right then, or feeding her right then makes her feel like its her fault. But thats' NOT what its about.

Its about self preservation.

Its about not having a breakdown.

Its about survival.