Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year

Well, in a little less than eight hours, 2010 will be in the history books. Honestly, I'm glad to be through with it, and am trying to keep my hope that 2011 will be much better. Filled with much less heartbreak, and a lot more peace.

Really, I don't know if I am strong enough for 2011, because 2010 almost broke me. I pray for guidance and strength as we welcome in the new year, I pray that I can be as strong as my friends and family think I am. But I just don't know. If they were with me all the time, and knew how often I just sit and cry, I think their perception of my strength would change a little bit. If they knew how afraid I am inside, how much I want to run and hide from everyone and everything, I doubt strong would be a word used to describe me.

I worry that my heart is so broken, that it will never be whole again.

With mixed emotions I've read facebook updates and pictures of "Baby's first Christmas". I'm thrilled that my friends and family are getting to experience these exciting moments, and getting to have these gorgeous memories forever. I want those experiences and memories for myself. So bad that it hurts my already hurting heart.

I wish I could say that through this year, I've come out stronger and happier. What I can say this year has given me is the knowledge that I have a great family and friends. And as much as they can support me, they do.

I know everyone wants to tell me to just be thankful for what I do have, but please don't. I am thankful for every blessing given to me.

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