Sunday, February 27, 2011

Zero Progress

I'll be 28 in less than a week.

And honestly, it feels like I might as well 30.

Last year at this time, I was so filled with hope that by the time my next birthday came, I'd be a mom. Or I'd be pregnant. But I'd be there in some way.

And this birthday is hurtling at me, and I'm no closer than I was a year ago. My body is exhausted, my heart is broken, and it feels like my head is spinning out of control.

How is it possible that in one whole year, we've made no progress on this front? How is it possible that in 2 1/2 years, in 30 months, I'm not closer than I used to be.

At what point do I have to accept the fact that maybe this isn't going to work for us. Maybe we are going to have to go an alternate route.

Perhaps losing my left ovary and part of my right ovary ten years ago was a sign.

Eh.

The end of my Two Week Wait is Friday, but I won't test that day. I never test that day. I wait and wait. Starting my period hurts less than seeing a negative pregnancy test. Meanwhile, I'm praying for guidance and peace, because right now I feel like I'm about to fizzle out.

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2 comments:

  1. I totally know how you feel. Every birthday I have is one big fat disappointment. I had my whole life planned out when I was younger. I wanted to be married out of college, a baby by the time I turned 25 or 26, a house by the time I'm 30.
    It's funny how life turns on us and kicks us in our butts.
    I'm praying for you!
    *Hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sorry you're going through this rough patch. I understand it. I'm quickly approaching the big 3-0, and am having similar feelings. It's amazing to me how easily our perceptions of ourselves can be shifted. You're not alone though. = )

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