Lost

I want to apologize for any woman I've known who has gone through a miscarriage. Whether it was a sudden surprise miscarriage, or an induced miscarriage like mine. I have felt so bad for my friends who have gone through it, but I don't think I felt bad enough. There was no way I could have felt bad enough without knowing the pain that they were going through. And no one should ever have to go through this pain.

The physical pain is excruciating. It doesn't let up. My doctor gave me some pain meds, and that helps somewhat, but at the end of the day, I can barely walk to bed it hurts so bad. And this is where I sort of contradict myself.. In a way, the physical pain, as horrible as it is, is kind of comforting. It lets me focus on something other than my broken heart. It lets me know that there was actually something living and trying to grow inside me. There was a life in there. I know, that's kind of weird.

The emotional pain is not describable. I haven't felt this sad and depressed since my Poppy died. My Poppy was the most important man in my life and when he left, I was lost. Today I feel lost.

Lost.
Mad.
Confused.
Sad.
Hurt.
Broken.

I don't blame God. I don't hate God. I'm not even mad at God. I'm confused by God. I know He has a plan, and for whatever reason, this is part of it. I just wish I knew why. I know that in the long run, this will make me a stronger person. But honestly, I feel like I've gone through more than enough obstacles in my life, I don't need to be stronger.

Through this whole nightmare that has been the past 9 days or so, my friends and family have been so supportive. Checking on me, making sure I am okay, taking me to the doctor when I need to go, picking up medicine for me when I can't. Even just letting me be upset and cry and whine and even not talk to them. And I know that they are hurting too, and I feel bad that I can't be there to support them.

I love them.