Friday, November 12, 2010

Where I Am

I'm sorry that I can't be as happy and as enthusiastic about your pregnancy/baby as I want to be, and as you think I should be. You see, my heart is broken. Try to think back to a time when you're heart was broken for whatever reason, were you able to be happy all the time? If you were, then I envy you, and you're obviously stronger than I am.

I wish I was able to turn off the sad emotions and just feel the happy ones, but it doesn't work that way. For now, I am going to focus on me. Selfish, I know. But I've pushed myself for so long to make everyone else happy, or to keep everyone else from having hurt feelings, at my own expense. Right now, my insides are one big knot, and it has me unable to function normally. Its a sucky feeling, and I don't like it. I guess the good news in this is that I've had someone trained to know tell me that I'm normal. It's normal for me to be miserable right now, because everything I'm going through is just that. Its miserable.

My plan of action right now is to make a plan of action. To take back control of my life. To sit down with my husband and talk about our goals, the options, a time frame, and know that in the end, no matter how we get there, we will be parents (damn good ones, too). I've been told that I am strong. And at times, I feel anything but strong, I know that they are right. I just have to have more faith in myself. I've been through a lot in my life, and I know that I will eventually get past this, and add it to my "I conquered that" list. But I'm not there yet.

Right now, I'm sad and angry. This will be the last month that we try to conceive on the road that we're on right now. I won't put myself or my husband, or my family through another month of this. I will talk to the doctor about what the next steps are, what reasonable time frames are for them, and how to get to there from here.

What this means is that I am NOT giving up. I'm just changing directions a little bit. I am past the point of "stop trying and it will happen", and I'm way past the point of "just don't think about it" and "don't worry". I zipped by those points a long time ago. I'm going to take the time with Dallas to get us centered again, release some of the tension I know we're both feeling, and find my zest for life again. I really, really, REALLY, appreciate everyone's support and love, I may not express the gratitude often, but it does mean a lot.

I just want to be myself again.

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4 comments:

  1. YAY for Normal!!! You go girl! Tears are normal, angry is normal and yelling at the top of your lungs that life can just plain suck at times... is normal! I had someone tell me once that it wasn't... SCREW THEM!

    You are strong! Shifting gears, changing directions or altering a course are still moving forward to that goal of being a kick ass mom!

    You will be yourself again!

    *hugs*
    MaritimeGypsy

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  2. And YOU BET you'll be good parents! I cannot say how proud I am of you. You GO GIRL and take good care of YOU! <3

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  3. Good for you!
    It's important that you take time for yourself to make sure YOU are happy.
    What good are you if you're bitter all of the time trying to make everyone else happy...it's not possible!
    I hope the best for you and hope you can find yourself again!
    *Big hugs*

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  4. I just found your blog! So glad that I did. I have no idea how I got here but I'm staying and following you! I can completely appreciate what you are saying. IF sucks TTC can be fun but if it doesn't work out the way you want it to, then it sucks too! I guess we can't all be as fertile as the Duggers...ugh. Good Luck to you! This is your year coming up!!!

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